Just want this to go away :(

Hi,

I dont really know why I am posting this, I guess its a last ditch attempt at gaining some hope. And to get some perspective.

Ill try and keep a long story short
You can see my full story on the paraphilias section of this website, if your interested.
When I was around 14/15, (19 now), I saw some awful videos on file sharing programs.
I can remember around 3 or 4 videos. What worries me greatly, is whether I got gratification from them. More simply, whether I watched them in a perverse manor.
I know for one or two videos, I clicked them off straight away.
But there are a couple that I simply cannot remember my thoughts and intentions.
Now, for one of them, I remember watching it for a short while. One minute I feel as though I just watched it to see what was going off. The next, I think that I watched it waiting for something to happen (in a sexual way).
The other video, I simply cannot even picture in my mind. I know that I saw something that definately had something sexual in it. And again, for whatever reason, I ust know deep down that I watched some of it. But because I cant picture the video much, I cant determine whether I watched it in a bad sort of way, if that makes sense. Maybe, I can just remember it, and actually, at the time I might have been sickened by it? I simply cannot remember.

Now I must state a few things. I used to look for things that showed people my age. I admit that. I was just young and trying to get off.
But when this other stuff came up, I dont know what I did.
I have only had this guilt for around 2 months. All these years, I had forgotten about this and led an amazing life. Im at university, and I really wanted to make something of myself and I have been openly critical about people who view this stuff. I am NOT a pedophile. I do not have an attraction to prepubescent kids.
I do find teenagers attractive, I will admit that. I am a teenager myself, and I dont think what I find attractive is any different to any of my friends.
I do have a problem with masturbating that I am trying to combat. I probably masturbate around 1-2 times daily. I know this is bad. It tired me out before this, but now, along with probably depression, Im just an absolute wreck. Making matters worse, I just went on a porn website, and I masturbated to a video. It said on the video that it was a legit company video on a legit website. The girl in the video did look young, but a lot of them do on websites. I read the comments, and people were saying that she wasnt of age. So now I feel even worse.

Simply, I cannot see a way out of this. I feel pretty terrible for watching this stuff even out of curiosity. I feel bad for ever having seen it! How can I ever get anywhere in life now? I just cant see no future for myself.
Whats worse, I live in a small house with both parents. I am an only child. My parents are very intrusive into my life, and I just cant escape to be on my own, like I feel I want to be all the time.

What should I do? Find the nearest bridge? People say I have depression and thats what I need to combat. Thats fair enough, but it doesnt change what I did does it? Its not going to make me feel any better is it? Ive been trying to get out of this by combating depression. Its a waste of time because the thoughts are still there. Where does my life go now?

I just cant help but think of what an amazing life I could have had and now its probably all gone. I live in constant fear. I havent slept right for months and I am getting more tired and tired every single day.

Help

You are at uni, so could you live on campus or house share maybe? I feel you need escape your parents you need some personal space.
Masturbating frequently at your age is not unusual, and born out of frustration with your situation.
You want to grow, mature, get a life of your own your parents are stopping that with their intrusion into your life.
Plan to get out of their house.

I just cant help but think of what an amazing life I could have had and now its probably all gone.

Hey you!! you are 19 years old at uni. You can still have an amazing life!!
Work hard, that is your passport to a new life.
Have you talked to your doctor about your depression, it would be a good idea.
I think you torture yourself with thoughts that you are a paedophile, a sort of self harm??
I really don't think you are one, I really don't.

I promise you that I am not a pedophile. But I live in fear of this getting out one day. Because people wouldnt believe me. Especially as I have seen this stuff, and maybe even watched it perversely!

I cant afford to live away from home though, unfortunately.

I know, Ive worked harder than anyone on my course this year. But ive lost all interest now I cant concentrate at all.

I just feel that I cant look anyone in the eye, if you know what I mean?
Im reluctant to go to the doctors, because I dont want to have inform my parents about this. Its just crushing me.

I have the most amazing girlfriend too. But we are having real problems at the minute. Just because I cant concentrate. I cant be me. Because I am just living in constant, unrelenting fear.

You can go to the doctors without informing your parents, its none of their business.
Your are depressed and losing interest in your school work not good, that is your future. Please go to your doctor and tell him how you feel that you have obsessive thoughts, feel depressed and have lost interest in your studies (or whatever)

Because people wouldnt believe me. Especially as I have seen this stuff, and maybe even watched it perversely!

You are obsessing about this and there is no need.

I am just living in constant, unrelenting fear.

No one will find out, as far as I can tell you have done nothing illegal so why the worry?

What is your girl friends opinion on all this, does she know how you feel?

She is getting angry with me because I am not being me. I am irritable and depressed. I have no enthusiasm for anything, including sex.

I did do something illegal. As I say, I searched for stuff of my age.And when other stuff came up, I think I watched it.

I am obsessing, because to me, its one of the worst crimes out there. And rightly so.

I can go to the doctors yes. But I cant take medication secretly. Plus, I want to avoid that stuff.
If they put me in for councelling, they will send me letters and I will have to make excuses as to where I am going.

Just want to start my life over. I dont wanna be mixed up in all that rubbish. I dont want that baggage. I wish I had never seen this stuff. I wish I hadnt even remembered it. I went all that time without thinking of it, and now Im like this..

-- Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:09 am --

Anyone else have anything to say? I'm starting to lose hope