Guilt; Not sure what i am looking for you all to tell me

I am not Nicholas Olegovich Shields. This is a name i drew from my life experience. I am not using my personal email but one i made for the purpose of posting on this forum. Any names i use through out this thread are made up. same with any places i name. the only exception will be somewhere i affectionately call my home and the only female i felt romantic attatchment too.

I am however 17 year old male, yes i lied in signing up and i leave the action to be taken up to the admins, I live in the southeast united states, and am currently a junior in high school (2012.)

I have never done this before so i am just going to wing it. I have no guilt. i do have a conscience, i know right from wrong, at least i think. but i do not feel guilt. i always thought i did but now that i think of it, it was simply fear of being caught and punished. My father, whom i will refer to as Oleg, was a drunk when i was small. so punishment would be inevitable. I have researched possible causes (ODD, Sociopathy etc) but have not turned up anything head turning. and i do not think it would change anything if i did. the quandary i am on whatever diagnosis if there is one is that i received emotional trauma at the same age that i would be showing signs of said diseases.

I grew up in a bad neighborhood in a southern state. being the only white kid it was very brutal. i was stabbed once but it never got worse than that. i disfigured two others my age in self defense. my father was a drunkard and beat me and my younger brothers until he finally sobered up, and a mother with diagnosed Munchhausen. when i moved for the first time i met Kila but we did not date for awhile as we were still young. i love her to this day. she commited suicide shortly before my birthday. her uncle sexually abused her. that is when i got my only true taste of guilt. i should have done something. said something. anything. well i guess i have felt guilt but you understand my point.

i no longer believe in god but am open to his possibility. i date girls for fun, have had sex with two girls and once a guy, i date often, have many people who consider me a friend but few i trust. i respect the hell out of my father and wish to follow his line of work and enlist in the Marine Corps although i do despise my mother. i am for all intensive purposes a normal 17 year old albeit slightly depressed.

i do not know why i am telling this i have only told one other person and i will refer to her as Angela. well just post your comments suggestions spiritual advice or anything else i just felt the need to get some type of perspective so here i am. thank you

Do you feel guilt about Kila? If so then this is not your fault. The fault lies with the abuser, not with you. I am sorry you went through this.

Cracked

@cracked

yes i do feel guilt for kila. i am sorry i if i was unclear. ironicly her death is the only reason i have anything to compare my feelings to.
i honestly believe i loved her. i wish i could believe it isnt my fault

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad about this. Please try to tell yourself that you are not the one to blame here. I know it is tough but it is not your fault.

Cracked

i wish i could. i pride myself on reading people on knowing peoples intentions and i did that. i saw everything. i knew it was there. and i did nothing. i could have called her father. i knew his private line on the ship. i know it is my fault. at least partly
the bad part is i do not want to. i hate this feeling but with the way things are going i may never feel this way again.