The past/ depressed.

I was diagnosed with ocd 10 years ago in the form of hocd i then got over it and 8 years later symtoms of ocd were back this time in the form of pocd but more in the form where i was afraid people thought i was a pedo after a comment joke was made. I then started to dwell on this and think back in my past i then came upon a memory when i was a teenager & was with my female cousin who was 3 i then remember walking with her and carrying her, when i did i think i got an erection. Why?what caused it?i cant really remember cuz this was years ago but i need to know what happened cuz its driving me mad, i ve never thought about this really in years now i cant let it go. I feel so depressed and ashamed. What if i wantrc to carry her to get an erection or was aroused somehow,.I know it couldnt have been anything sexual by the fact that i know ive always had attraction towards women and girls not of children. I know it didnt affect.me then or now but i just cant let it rest why did it happen what was going on in my mind back then. Some input please im so distressed.

It sounds to me like some of this is POCD creeping in. It does not sound like you assaulted her or like you are attracted to children. As for why you gt the erection I am not sure but you were at an age where your hormones are all over the place and it may well be to do with that. Are you seeing a therapist about your OCD? If not then I think it might help you to do so and tell them about this.

Cracked

Yes I recently started seeing a therapist and after 10 years I'm back on meds. Its been week 3 on the meds and I feel like my anxiety has gone a bit, I know how my obsessive my works and I hate it, it had thinking its always twisting everything up to cause me distress, it's my own worse enemy. Thank you for responding

You are welcome for the response and I hope that the OCD gets under control

Hugs

Cracked

Acceptance that this has occurred is one of the things my therapist and others have told me. I've tried this and have been suffering with nothing but guilt, to me this sees like te wrist thing ever and wonder how can I live with this.

I think acceptance comes with time. I think if you tell yourself that you are not at fault here and you did not hurt anyone hopefully with time things will settle down and you will feel better about the situation. Something that might help you when facing up to the reality of a situation is looking into radical acceptance - it might help as a concept.

Cracked

So in your opinion, if I accept that I carried her to feel some sort of pleasure, that does not consitute as some sort of sexual abuse?

From what you said you were carrying her and then happened to get an erection. This does not suggest that you picked her up to get sexual pleasure. Coupled with the fact that you did not act on your erection I think this sounds like POCD type thinking - tho I am not a professional.

Cracked

Now my mind is thinking what if I did do that to feel pleasure, I just can't remember. All I know is that children now or then are and we're never a sexual object to me. I'm so confused.

You have said that children are not sexual objects to you. I think this answers your worries. Nothing that you have said makes me think you did this to abuse a child. Of course I am not you and I cannot say that for certain but nothing you have said seems to me to indicate that.

Cracked