Afraid of saying weird or disturbing things subconsciously

I've told my story here before so here's the quick version: I was born into a family with a lot of mental illness and a history of sex abuse. As a child I was exposed to my father's porn and had an instance of child on child sexual abuse between me and a neighbor. This might have been because of me and as a result of my dad's porn collection. I also had a grandfather who acted strange towards me (I slept in the same bed with him from ages five to 12 but I don't recall any abuse). He tried to abuse me at age 9 but it never went beyond that. My uncle did the same thing. The result is that I grew up sexually warped and without a sense of boundaries. This led to the abuse of my younger half-sister and half-cousin by my hands (and no, being "half" doesn't make it any less disturbing). I diddled my sister when she was asleep and she did the same to me when I was awake. It started when I was 14 and ended when I was 16.

I have never been in a real relationship. I live with my grandparents because I have nowhere else to go. I am afraid of going out. I have very few friends and I am absolutely horrified of being read by people. That they'll see my past.

I'm afraid that I give off vibes or say things without my realizing it. It's rare that I have a sense of humor so I don't do good in social situations. I'm seeing a therapist right now but I've asked her what I can do to make everything right. She doesn't really have an answer.

All I want to do is fix what I did and live in an apartment with me and my friend and be in peace. No sex, porn, or anything else to remind me of my past. Just a peaceful fantasyland away from reality.

But that can't happen. I'm going to need to make a living somehow. The economy is brutal. I still need to graduate college in order to get my degree. I'm 27 and I haven't worked much at all. I'm afraid of being homeless almost as much as I am being out in the world. And the reason why I'm afraid of the world is because I know people can see right through me. They can read me. This even applies to my family. Both sides of my family (one side is much more normal in comparison to the other) are not that close to me for obvious reasons. I feel like I am always the elephant in the room and I am making things worse just by being around them. But I am truly sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it but I know I won't do it again. Won't even have sex again. I just want to find someone I can be comfortable with at all times and live in peace. I want the same for those I abused.

Please give me advice. I don't know what to do at this point.

dont take this as a professional opinion and if you find this to be foolish please forgive me, but i think your problem socially can be fixed by more social action. when lone survivors of shipwrecks have been rescued after living alone or with 1 or even 2 people, the survivors social skills are shot. after just one month of being emotional and not talking to anyone i personally was skewed. IF this is the case then the way to get better is to get a close group of friends and get back out there. i can not help with your fears or anything else but i hope this much helps you

You sound very perturbed. I'd see a therapist if you're so concerned about what happened.