Feelings of sorrow, fear, guilt, shame

I got involved with a man briefly last year. He turned around and lied to me with empty promises. Getting my hopes up and turning around and letting me by not following through. When I aired my feelings to him he didn't care and he continued to lie to me leaving me with a dose of paranoia. His words were empty and his lack of actions said this.

Anyways I went in what I think was depression. Which I'm just coming out from now. I was never at the doctor with it so I wasn't diagnosed but I think what I went through was depression. There were a couple of months when in my spare time outside of work I felt awful with all the usual symptoms of depression. I'm unsure about going to the doctor for now because I'm coming out from that spell in my own way and doing a lot better.

During some low periods of that depressive spell, I transmitted it back at him in the form of nasty messages and emails. It was crazy stuff. I do not believe in revenge or anything like so I don't know what came over me.

I'm left with huge feelings of guilt, shame, sorrow and fear. I genuinely am sorry for how I behaved because I believe walking is the best in this situation. Fear because I have probably created a bunny boiler name for myself. We're both involved in the fetish and bdsm scene and our country but I am just new and now I fear I have shot myself in the foot as to exploring this side of myself.

-- Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:03 pm --

I was unbelievably, crazily nasty to that man. I've been riddled with so much guilt since and am genuinely sorry for what I did and how I behaved because I know turning and walking from someone who treats you badly is the only thing to do in a bad situation. Instead I used time and energy transmitting all the depression back at him. I don't even believe in revenge. It's nasty and vicious.

Why am I feeling so bad? Why am I feeling so bad over someone who treated me badly and showed no consideration or respect for me?

Even if you dont think your depressed anymore, seeing a therapist is never too late. You feel guilty because your a good person and your not used to acting like that im guessing. If its really getting to you that bad you could try to apologize and even if he doesn't reply then you can stop feeling guilty because you will know you did the right thing. The other option is to just let it go, i mean he might have had it coming if he was treating you badly!? But I would try and see a therapist for the depression and for you to have someone to talk to and discuss these things with.

I am really sorry to hear you are struggling with this. What I would say is to try to give yourself a break. It sounds like you are really blaming yourself for how you behaved when in fact this person may well have deserved it. When it comes to the "bunny boiler" side of things remember that it is their word against yours and no one has to necessairly believe them over you.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. They were the one who behaved unacceptably by the soudns of things, not you.

Cracked

Although it was only casual between us the man lied to me with empty promises. The biggest one that I took offence to is that he asked for my address to send on a gift. He didn't send it. Excuses followed like I was busy, I didn't get around to sending it, so on an so fourth, eventually telling me he lost it. But also kinda leaving it open like if I find it. There was so much time for him and he was just so insenitive and insecere about it all. There wasn't even an apology for losing it.

I do not know what his lies were for, were they on purpose to annoy me in the hope that I will just get tired of him or
Were they to keep me sweet and in anticipation waiting for him.

I do not know.

I held out hope that maybe he would be genuine and he'd find it or perhaps since it was so important that he offered it (just to not send it and lose it) that maybe he would replace it for upsetting me.

I held out hope that he was genuine. It were those lies that fcuked me in that I was only worthy of lies and hook ups. It was that hope that he was genuine and follow through that drove me insane.

Whenever people do wrong on me I usually take it in my stride. So no matter what kind of a head wreck he was, what I did almost harassing the man was unacceptable.

I apologised to him anyways for my behaviour. He ignored the email. Which I would prefer he's just going to insult me further by denying his lies.

You have apologised which is good and I hope you can see you have done all the right things now and if he wants to be an arse then that is up to him. You have behaved in the right way by apologising for what you did and he is the one in the wrong.

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:I am really sorry to hear you are struggling with this. What I would say is to try to give yourself a break. It sounds like you are really blaming yourself for how you behaved when in fact this person may well have deserved it. When it comes to the "bunny boiler" side of things remember that it is their word against yours and no one has to necessairly believe them over you.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. They were the one who behaved unacceptably by the soudns of things, not you.

Cracked

So, do you think I should deny my outgoing behaviour?

Or would it be best to be open and honest?

-- Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:03 pm --

shooting_star wrote:Even if you dont think your depressed anymore, seeing a therapist is never too late. You feel guilty because your a good person and your not used to acting like that im guessing. If its really getting to you that bad you could try to apologize and even if he doesn't reply then you can stop feeling guilty because you will know you did the right thing. The other option is to just let it go, i mean he might have had it coming if he was treating you badly!? But I would try and see a therapist for the depression and for you to have someone to talk to and discuss these things with.

I was looking into CBT and I think I would benefit hugely from it. It will change my way of thinking. It was my own mind that tortured myself mainly here, which brought about by dick-headish behaviour.

Now, to bite the bullet and take the next step forward.

If it was me in a scene I was not too familiar with yet with ppl I did not know well yet and was not sure who was trustworthy and who wasnt, then I would err on the side of saying nothing and neither confirming nor denying my behaviour. I think this is the mature thing to do rather than talking about whether or not it is true or false. Perhaps with time you may want to share with some ppl what happened but it is none of their business unless you want to make it so. You may also find that he has a reputation himself for bad behaviour.

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:If it was me in a scene I was not too familiar with yet with ppl I did not know well yet and was not sure who was trustworthy and who wasnt, then I would err on the side of saying nothing and neither confirming nor denying my behaviour. I think this is the mature thing to do rather than talking about whether or not it is true or false. Perhaps with time you may want to share with some ppl what happened but it is none of their business unless you want to make it so. You may also find that he has a reputation himself for bad behaviour.

Cracked

I'll put my head down and lie low for a while. I'm surely going to be confronted about it at some stage though but I'll deal with it if it happens and explain what he did and how that impacted on me.

I was so unbelievably crazy - you would not believe how crazy - and what sort of crazy stuff I wrote to him. But do you know what? What he did what utterly unacceptable. Lying to me and lying more with excuses leaving me wondering, confused, further waiting, a dose of paranoia when it would have been just as easy to be honest instead of messing with my mind. He ended up playing this stuff of my mind. I strongly believed what came from him were lies. And he wanted me to believe them and his words. He could have backed it up with actions. He was careless and wreckless with a disregard towards my feelings.


Not even so much as even an apology from him. Spineless!

I'm doing somewhat better today though. I treated myself to a hot stone body massage today and got all the stress and tension rubbed out of my body. It was wonderful and badly needed.

He sounds like he treated you really badly. Keeping your head down sounds like a good idea to me.

The hot stone massage sounds lovely.

I hope that things improve for you

Cracked

He dismissed the apology.