I think I traumatized myself...

So I'm a guy, 17 years old, and I live with my great aunt's first husband (it's a complicated situation). I'm not related to him, nor his most recent ex wife by blood. So he was asking me for help on his computer a few weeks ago, he wanted to move a video to his phone but didn't know how. I helped him move it, but he said I wasn't allowed to watch it no matter what. He kept laughing so I figured it was something dirty. I laughed about it but then a few weeks later he left his account signed in one day, and I could hear from my room that the computer was making noises like from an instant messenger. I was home alone, and so I went to turn it off. Out of curiosity, I looked for the video and when I found it, I watched some. It turned out to be a sex tape, but I didn't recognize the woman. As it went on, I did recognize her. It was his ex wife, whom I look at as a aunt, even though I'm not really related to either of them. What's worse? I got off on it. Yep, I masturbated to the damn thing. Now, I wasn't looking at him, I was looking at her. When I was done, the guilt set in. I felt disgusting because I realized who they were, and despite not even paying mind to my 'uncle', it still happened. I saw them like that and I know they'd kill me if they knew. I swear though, it started out of pure curiosity, and now I can't stop thinking that I'm a freak for it.

You are not a freak, you are not related by blood to these people, so you basically watched a sex video and it turned you on. You sound pretty normal to me.
Don't worry about it.

I dont think you are a freak. Given the psychological links you have with these people it might be less confusing for you to avoid a similar incident in the future - but I dont think you are a freak. As Greatexpectations said, you watched a sex tape and it turned you on. That is a normal reaction. I think because you view these ppl psychologically as relatives that is why you are confused and I why I suggest not doing it again. But please try not to get too hung up about this.

Cracked

After reading some of the other posts on the Remorse forum...it brought back a somewhat suppressed memory. I say suppressed because I'm not even sure it happened, or to what extent, but let me explain. When I was around 12-13, I lost everything. My home, my grandfather (who was more my father), and nearly everything personal belonging to me. I then had to live with my distant family in a really bad neighborhood with my drug addicted grandmother, cousin, and some others. To say the least, it was all a nightmare. Through the years it got worse, ultimately ending in myself becoming homeless and ending up in a 'crack house' in an unfamiliar neighborhood. To say I probably need therapy for all of that is inevitable I guess, but that's not why I'm posting. You see, around the beginning of this I shared a small room and bed with my baby sister and mom. I also discovered masturbation around this time. Now when I was much younger I accidentally walked in on a passed out family member naked and noticed her unshaven genitalia. My sister's hair at this age reminded me of that, and me being all experimental in masturbating got an idea. I'm shaking as I type this because I cringe at the thought of that now. I didn't go through with it after initially having the thought, just thinking to myself, "What's wrong with me?". One night, however, changed it all. I guess I was really having an urge that night because I was about to go through with it. I say about because what happens next I can't remember. To clarify, the initial thought was to see what it would feel like brushing my bare penis against the surface of her head, nothing more. From what I remember, I do think I went through with it, but stopped just before making contact because I realized what the hell I was doing. She was asleep. I remember feeling freaked out at myself afterwards but feeling secure because I didn't actually do it. I then turned away and fell asleep. My mom wasn't in the room, she had actually abandoned us both at that point, it was very complicated. So not before long I forgot all about it, and it wasn't until coming on to here to post my previous issue that I remembered this even happened. I really wish I could remember it in full detail, because it's really nerve racking not knowing what I actually did. But I really really cringe at the thought of this possibly being considered molestation. I never intended for it to be like that, but that doesn't make it right. I was at an age where I knew right from wrong, even though I didn't realize the severity of what I was actually doing... like I said, I'm not sure if I made contact, but I came damn near close, and that freaks me out. Please understand, I'm not a pedophile, I've babysat and even had to partially raise my little sister for some time, which meant being alone with her for hours and all of that. Plus, I babysit all the time for my cousin's girlfriend, and I have no sick thoughts like that, I would never! Still...I feel like I should have never read the other posts on here, because it brought back this memory and I just can't even believe that happened....

I am really sorry you are struggling with this. I would say not to beat yourself up too much about it tho - yes it was not a good idea and it could have ended badly but you stopped yourself from what you said in your post. It sounds like you did not have a lot of moral guidance growing up and no one seemed to show you what was right from wrong. I would guess this meant your boundaries were not well developed as no one was teaching you how to develop them. I really think therapy would help you work through all of this including the issues you have brought to this forum.

Cracked