I NEED ADVICE AND HELP... my life is ruined

Hi im ryan, 18 years old, and in the deepest **** i could have possibly ever been in. I have never been interested in kids, and especially not younger kids, ever. And i want to make that clear, the thought of a pedophile absolutely sickens me. However saying that makes me sound 100% hypocritical because i have taken advantage of someone, but not to a far extent and just read through this before you begin to make your assumptions.
I work at an after school day care job right when i get home from school, where i watch and play with kids. I have never had any sexual thoughts about ANY of them, i do it because i love working with kids and i want to make my career possibly a teacher.
I have a second family of sorts that ive been very close to for years now, and there are 3 in the family. 2 boys and a girl. And i violated the boy who is 7 years old. It wasn't because i was interested in little boys, or little kids, it was my hormones out of control looking for different ways to get off. I never forced him or touched him to touch me or anything like that, it was just that he was a little kid and i was talking to him about this stuff like sex, and i wanted to try something. I never wished for it to get out of hand but i NEVER put anything inside of him or make him touch me, it was just an easy and fun new way of getting off i guess. I dont condone it, and even after the first time, i literally felt sick that i did it. But even telling myself i never should do that again there was nothing i could do that made me feel better getting off than what i did to him.
Stay with me, i want to explain everything so you can get a better understanding of the whole situation, but i would just have him lay down on his stomach and just hump him. I feel sick writing this now, but everything in my power couldnt stop me just because i had the freedom to be able to do this. We were best friends and he was like the brother i never had. I never loved him like a pedophile, or looked at him through a pedophiles eyes, its just this thing happened one time, and it was just so easy i couldn't stop no matter how hard i tried.
The other night his mom found out and we talked for a long time, and she told me about her brother who was a pedophile and i literally got sick because now her and her husband, basically my dad and mom, now see me as something im not, and there is nothing i can do to change that. It was always innocent even when it started, i never planned on dragging this out or turn into a more than one time thing, but my curiosity overrided my compelling nature to force myself to stay away. I was 17 when this started, and even now my hormones are so crazy i do masturbate all the time. I love the feeling of it, and i always looked for new ways to do it. And i made one mistake that turned into a huge problem that will affect my life forever, and the 7 year old as well.
So please, i need to get talked through this, i know seeing a doctor is probably the only option, but i dont want to be labelled like this when my thoughts really aren't like that, but thats the only way i will be seen from now on... HELPPPP

I'm sure I may get scolded for being negitive, but I would murder you if you did this to my child reguardless of your remorse. And IF you are TRUELY sorry you would have terminate your job at the daycare immediately, and don't even think about of being a teacher. You are only asking for trouble by putting youself in situations around children, like a alcoholic working in a liquer store. you really need to get help/ turn yourself in.... You just ruined a child's life DAMMIT!!! I would crush you with my bare hands!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE SEEK Professional help!!!!!!!! for the sake of the children around you and yourself!!!!!!






Sorry MODS I could not let this fly without my .02

It is good that the child's parents are aware of what happened. It is not good that you did it. I think that it is hugely important that you talk to a professional as well as removing yourself from situations where you have access to kids. This means the daycare centre and becoming a teacher. I think that the abive are both extremely important in order for you to work through this. I also think that whilst it is the parents' decision as to what they do for their son you might want to encourage them to sort out therapy for him too.

Cracked

Agree with the above posters.

You're lucky that they only talked with you. Now it's time to get therapy, and to change your job to something that does not involve care of children.