I hate myself

My wife and I have been married for about a year and a bit. She suffers from depression, anxiety and OCD. The meds she has been perscribed greatly impact her libido. To the point where she can have no interest in sex for over a month at a time. I'm a 'once a day, maybe every two at a push or I start climbing the walls' kinda guy.

She has no issue with me watching porn, so that would always be my release to give her a break and stop making her feel horrible for something she can't help. But porn stopped doing it for me a after a while. I need to feel involved, I need to get something back.

So, I started talking to a girl I know but live in a different city from online. Things quickly turned filthy and although I have no desire to be with her outside of fantasy, I let them continue.

My wife found out and understandably she was distraught and heartbroken. We talked it out and I made a promised to remove her from facebook and block her so I could never speak to her again. We managed to move on from there.

After a while, the girl found me on another website. We were good friends before the filth happened and because of that I accepted her, thinking I'd be able to control it and not allow it to descent into what it had before. It started to a bit and eventually I stopped replying to her.

A while after, my wife found out about this as well. Naturally, she is completely heartbroken. I'm her husband, her carer, her best friend and her safe place. And I totally betrayed that. When she thought she could trust me again, I destroyed it, and left her with nothing.

I hate myself so much for what I've done to her. She doesn't deserve that. She has been nothing but loyal and amazing to me since we first met. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hurt her like that. I feel worthless, pathetic and like scum.

I've tried to explain to her that it was a slip up months ago and that I haven't continued speaking to her, but understandably that doesn't make everything OK. I don't honestly know if she'll ever be able to trust me again, and I completely understand if she doesn't.

I'm usually a level headed person, and can handle stress and depression, but now I feel like I just don't deserve to live any more. I can't be the person who does this to someone I care about so much, and I can't even begin to imagine a life without her.

I've thought about ending it a few times since our last discussion, and was awake for most of the night last night thinking about it. I already have a letter written in my head and a few ideas of how to do it. I have a length of rope and a park near by, and I've been thinking of talking a walk down early one morning before anyone realises I'm gone. Have a bottle of wine and drop myself from a tree.

I also considered the fact that I might bottle it, and have considered drinking de-icer/anti-freeze in said bottle of wine. Either way it'd be away from my friends and family. I don't want any of them having to find me like that.

I think the worst part is that, I don't even care if I die any more. I think people would be better of for it. My friends and family don't even really know me. Like, the real me. And the one person who I thought did, happened upon a preview into who I really am, and now they hate me for it.

I'm not looking to be talked out of it. I've not even decided if I'm going to do it yet. I just wanted to vent.

Sounds like you're devastated by not being the person you/your wife thought you were. Your love for her and desire not to hurt her, although strong, wasn't enough to prevent you from slipping up. Your need for sexual intimacy found an easy outlet on the net. That doesn't mean you're worthless, or scum. It means you're human. It means your relationship wasn't quite where you both thought it was. And I understand that's an incredibly painful realization for both of you, when it's the center of your life. But that doesn't mean you can't get past it, together or individually. It doesn't mean that there's nothing of worth left between you, or nothing left to live for. Most relationships seem to have slip-ups of some sort, although everybody likes to pretend otherwise. Just because you're not the totally selflessly faithful man you thought you were, it doesn't mean you're worthless. The only pain you have caused is through pretending to yourself and your wife that you were stronger than you really were.

I think it might be worth talking all that through with her before you do anything drastic. If you're going to rebuild your relationship and trust then you'll surely need to be totally open with her. You'll both need to understand why you did what you did, and how your relationship can be different in the future to avoid causing more hurt. Might couples counseling/sex therapy offer a way forward? I get that you won't want to hurt her by discussing these things in the open, but imagine how much pain she'll be in if you do end your life, without getting closure on this. Is it not worth taking the chance of being open with her about what triggered your slip-ups, in order to try and find a way to something better?

Hi and I am really sorry you are struggling with this. You dont deserve to die tho hon. And that would not only bad for you but would leave a hole in other ppls' lives. I am concerned that you are considering suicide. I think that one thing that jumps out as a suggestion is you and your wife could look into couples therapy. Hopefully it would help you both work through all the hurt there seems to be as well as looking at ways your relationship can survive through illness and you current sexual incompatibility. It is difficult stuff to sort out which is why I think a therapist could help. In the meantime please keep safe and let us know how you go.

Cracked

Thanks for the replies.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it last night, and I had a good chat with the samaritans. I don't think I do want to end my life. I'm not that guy. Yesterday was just such a dark day for me. I was almost completely without sleep, and having a horrible day at work which added to everything I was going through.

She seems to be a lot better today, and we were interacting a lot more like the couple we used to be. I just really hope this isn't her burying it and putting a brave face on it. It's left me feeling quite uneasy. If she is on the road to being happier though, I don't want to dig everything back up to talk about it. I'd rather sort my goings on by myself. I know that probably isn't healthy, but I'm not just her husband, I'm her best friend and her sole carer. I need to always make sure I put her before myself. Her wellbeing to me, is priority.

I think I'm on the road to being better, I'll just need to play it out and see how it goes.

If I can help at all feel free to shout me

Cracked

i hated myself for 2.5 years after mum died

If you killed yourself you'd leave her and she'd feel like crap for a long time.

I think you resent her for making you go against your own "moral code" and you blame her for your feeling bad - suicide would take you out of the situation and also punish her as well.

Leave her and both of you can start again.

justonemoreperson wrote:If you killed yourself you'd leave her and she'd feel like crap for a long time....Leave her and both of you can start again.

His wife or the other girl? Are you saying he should kill himself or he should leave his wife?

Twentyfive, don't let your marriage end over something like this, especially not in suicide.

Twinkling_Butterfly wrote:

justonemoreperson wrote:If you killed yourself you'd leave her and she'd feel like crap for a long time....Leave her and both of you can start again.

His wife or the other girl? Are you saying he should kill himself or he should leave his wife?

Twentyfive, don't let your marriage end over something like this, especially not in suicide.

I understood what justonemoreperson meant and i think he has a point If 25 was to kill himself he would leave his wife with no real answers, he would just be gone. 25's wife would never be able to get past 25 committing suicide.
I do agree that he should probably just leave her, it sounds to me like the marriage has been damaged and no matter how many times she will say she forgives him she will always bring it up again (as 25 has mentioned).
This didn't just happen once it happened a few times guilt or not in 25's wife's mind it will happen again. I don't understand why people on these forums offer false hope, truth to me is a lot more important as it gives someone the opportunity to see they need to move forward.

CrackersnCheese wrote:I don't understand why people on these forums offer false hope

I would not call it false hope, I would call it different ppl giving different advice and support.

The site was down for some time and it looks like some posts from this thread were lost. Apologies.

Cracked