strong self-loathing for what I have done

Hello,
I have been reading some people's stories, and I see that there are a lot of people just like me out there. I engaged in an inappropriate physical relationship with my younger cousin when I was about 22. She tried to speak up, but I was the golden boy of the family, and everybody believed my lies. We didn't have sex, but we did touch each other. My older brother caught me one time, and confronted me after which it never happened again. I let everybody think that she was the liar to protect my reputation. For almost 10 years now I have hated myself for doing this, and I know I need to apologize to her. I am still afraid of the consequences, as it could potentially ruin my family. I have also been guilty because I have a porn addiction, and have moved on to some taboo porn. I always loathe myself afterward, and wish that I could take it all back. I have been living in fear and darkness, afraid of success, afraid to make something of myself because of what I may become. I am afraid of how people will view me if they knew the struggles I go through inside my head everyday. They wouldn't let me coach, my wife (a victim of sexual abuse herself) would despise me, I could lose my children. I am lost, and have never spoken any of this to anyone except for God. Thank you for moderating this forum, it is good to get this weight off of my chest.

Have you ever considered therapy to talk this over with someone, it would be in confidence to someone who specialises in sexual abuse?
IMO you need to find out why you did this to your cousin, there are usually reasons why these things happen.
A self absorbed parents for instance, did you feel confident, happy as a child. Why did you seek comfort in this way what's behind it all?
At least you are admitting you have a problem, and you feel guilty which is a start.
The hard core porn you are looking at is not good it will feed your fantasies, do try to keep away from it.
I understand the self loathing you feel after you've watched it. You hate yourself, but then find that you do it again.
Sounds like a cliché but is there a hobby? something you like to do that would occupy your mind & take up any spare time.
You have a lot to lose if you do not control your actions, your wife would be shocked if she found those images on your computer. Bear in mind it is possible for the police to track down people using illegal porn sites and be prosecuted.
You were 22 years, how old was your cousin when this sexual touching took place. Should you apologise? I suppose you should, but how would that impact on your wife and children you need to protect them.
I don't know the best answer to that.
The roots of your need to have touched this cousin and to now watch this porn likely goes back to your young childhood. Maybe you need to examine that and start healing from there.

Hi and thank you for being so honest about what happened in your past. I agree that talking to a professional in 3D would be a helpful thing to do and would also allow you to figure out if you should be talking about with othe people in 3D. I think you have taken a brave step by talking about it here and it shows you are strong enough to talk about it in therapy.

Cracked