How to get over this.

Many of you will think I am a monster, but it’s time to confront my past. As long as I can remember I have had a fetish toward violent sex. Never had I acted on these in any real way, but the invention of the internet totally compounded the problem.
I probably first looking at porn when I was in my early 20’s, I would go on binges. I stopped for a couple of years due to the inability to access it, but when available would repeat. At first it was normal porn, but it escalated to violent porn, then everything else. I looked at the most disgusting illegal things on the internet. Ok fast forward to my thirties, I would go on my binges maybe once every month and a half. Never paid for anything, never saved anything but I found a torrent site they gave it away free. Pretty sure you know what I looked at, not sure how something so horrible is so readily available. I would hate myself for like 4 days, then force it out of my mind, then repeat a month or two later. Let me also stress that my fantast NEVER turned into reality.
Ok one I just stopped, last Jan. to be exact. I am coming up on a year of no binges of the illegal disgusting crap. I have no urge to look at it; in fact I pretty much gave up all porn. It’s like I am not trying, just don’t find it interesting. I tossed my old computer, this one is porn free just want to get on with my life. Problem is I got into a new relationship, for some reason a month and a half ago I was staring at her, and the realization of what I did came into my head. I was a monster, I did terrible things, I am not that person anymore, but I can’t forgive myself. I am actually no longer in that relationship, but I can’t stop thinking about what I did. It is in every thought, when I wake up when I sleep. I feel like I will never be happy again. How can I forgive myself for what I did? Do I deserve to be forgiven?

Hi jake

Well done for posting. I think that it is brave of you. Do you know why you felt like you needed to view these things? I wonder if talking to someone about that and also about the guilt you feel and the questions you have about whether you deserve to be forgiven would help you. They would not judge you and I think would help you come to terms with yourself. What do you think?

Cracked

I think "need" is the wrong word. It was like something that snuck up on me. I would start looking at one thing and just keep going. At first it was one link to the next, was like there is always something a litle worse that i have to see...then i discovered the torrents which showed me the worst of the worst. Was exicted and disgusted, pretty much at the same time.

As far as talking to someone, i wouldn't know who to talk to. Honestly i just want to forget that part of my life. I don't know if it is possible to forget a memory, but i was able to get it out of my head before. Not sure why now after so long it is eating me up, but it literally is. I deserve it, what i was looking at was horrible. I personally never hurt anyone, but if anyone found out I can never convince people I wasnt a monster. Funny i really can't remember any of the actual things, just that i did it.
Really don't trust anyone enough to tell them, here noone knows who I am. Also if i forget somehow it is gone, since noone else knows. I want to be able to forget it and move on with my life. Before I was obsessing about this I was confident, now I feel like i can hardly function.

It's hard to forget things we are ashamed of. There are many things in my life that I want to forget, but they still lurk under the surface, ready to remind how bad I was when I'm really down.
You say that you know you're not that person any more. Build on that. It's not always easy, but keep trying to remember why you feel good about leaving it behind and why you feel better. You may feel like you can't function now, but if you remember why you quit and look on how far you've come, it might help to ease the pain.
In fact, talking about here shows how brave you are and can be a step in helping you feel better.

I can understand why you don't want to talk to people. Do try and talk to someone you trust. It may seem wrong or hard, but talking it over with someone you trust can help you. They can offer support, help to ease the inner hurt.
What do you think?

Take care of yourself.
DJM19

You do know what I looked at? I can't get myself to write it, but like i said it was the most horrible thing on the internet. i did it more than once. Its appreciated that you are being supportive, but i guess I dont feel I deserve it.
Maybe I can put this behind me, although it was aweful and disgustin what I did, at least I nver directly did anything to anyone. Not like i wanted to, but thank god I didn't.

Thank you for listening (or reading) its helped. I will never do anything remotly like that again. There is noone in the world that i would trust with this info, so i cant speak to anyone. Just need to put time between what i did and now. i do have have good days and bad, I deserve to feel this pain and guilt.

May contact this board again on my bad days. Thnks again

Post whenever you want to

Cracked