I need help (can't afford a theropist)

I have been feeling so horrible lately, and need to tell someone about this. When I was around 13-16, my nieces and I would sleep in the same bed as me when they would come over from jacksonville (the parents knew), and when they would, I was turned on by anything that they did like touch me and things. I would maybe brush my leg up against theirs or something, or maybe we would play footsie or I would touch them and maybe rub their arm, but honestly I don't remember if there was rubbing, but I would get them to rub my back, and maybe get them to go a little too low (not touch my butt or anything). We would also spank each other sometimes, but what I mean is like a game. Meaning we would do it in front of their parents like they would spank me really hard, and I would chase them down and do the same, but the problem is that I liked it in a different ways sometimes. When I was older (around 18), and they would spank me, I would tell them to stop until they finally learned that I didn't do that anymore. Also, one time I masturbated while I was in the same bed as them. I never touched them in private areas or anything, but I still feel horrible! I feel like I deserve death. I don't know if what I did was molestation or what. Should I turn myself in and go to jail? Do I deserve death? I really don't want to tell them because I am pretty much positive that they don't have a clue that it sometimes felt good when they touched me. I feel that would do more harm than good. Please help me! Someone! I'm in tears because I don't want to loose my family. I stopped it years ago, but one day I remembered and nearly want to kill myself.

I dont think you deserve to be dead for this and I dont think that you deserve to be in jail. You made some unwise decisions when you were young and your hormones are all over the place. Whilst you interpreted the feelings sexually it does not sounds like you made abusive unwanted sexual advances to them specifically. Whether you talk to them about it is up to you, but I certainly dont think that you deserve to die or be in jail for this. It is a shame you cannot see a therapist - perhaps in the future you will be able to afford one and I think it would be helpful then to start seeing one to talk this through and work on it.

Cracked

Same thing brother... I feel a lot what you feel especially the shame and self hate...the feeling of guilt and conscience bugging you is a heavy burden... I don't think you deserve death since IDK because you didn't touch or anything... I know how it feels to be burdened by a terrible mistake from the past... I remembered mine just last november and I've been depressed ever since... I don't know how it was brought up...It feels horrible do think that we could have done this or that and the sad thing is that we enjoyed it at those moments... And sometimes evil thoughts come back when I see pre-pubescent to tween girls... do you feel the same? You don't deserve death if anyone deserves death I think I do because I did uhhmm worse... damn... I don't want to go to details because the memories kill me inside... I have been regretting my mistake for a long time now... well it was only 4 years ago and I was around 14 also... sighs... Yeah theraphy is expensive... I don't know how it will fit into my school allowance so I haven't got help ever since the thoughts came back... Good thing the people here are very helpful... some forums ban their members for asking for help about pedophilia... this forum helps but a theraphist might be better I think... stay strong dude... we might find a way out of this mess...

Thanks guys for the replys. Do you guys think it's not bad because I didn't touch at all because I did. I rubbed there legs with mine and did touch areas of their body, just not in any private area except for the spanking thing, and I don't think I ever grabbed their butt, but it kills me not remembering everything. I just know that I never tried to really do anything weird like going up on them or anything. I just feel so bad! They were so much younger than me.

Also, I feel ya the unknown. I was thinking about how if I ever told them (they are too young now, and I'm only 21), I would accept whatever punishment they decided to give me, but the idea of going to jail scares the crap out of me! I truly don't want to because I always tried to do what was right, I just really screwed up here. Also, I have ocd, so it really makes things worse.

You won't go to jail easily because of that... AGHH!!! as I was reading what you "did" I also remember the things I "did" damn!!! Mine was more horrible... and I'm starting to feel a little uneasy right now... but there are people who really did so much worse than what any of us could uhhm possibly do... so its not like were top-level monsters but the thought is really something that is bothersome...Don't tell them yet... best leave it be because it will make a rift between your family... I won't tell mine.. my secret goes to my grave because if I tell them then... I mean I couldn't even look at my sister now... the point is don't tell it to anyone if you yourself haven't really found a way to cure / control it...

I feel ya man. I feel as though I could excuse almost everything except for the spanking thing. I think it started as just goofing around, but sometimes I did it out of sexual pleasure. I know what you mean about it man. I don't know if I have the strength to tell them or ever will. I just want to be at peace, but I don't want to go to jail. It's like I just want to scream. I definitely wish I wouldn't have done it, but I did.

I think telling us here in definitely a start.
In all honesty, it doesn't sound like something you could go to jail for, and you don't deserve to die, either!
You didn't hurt them, and you were able to control yourself, and you didn't touch them, or do anything inappropriate. They should be fine. I'm awfully sorry that you're feeling so low about it, though. I don't think it's necessary to tell them anything, in fact, I don't think it'd be a smart idea anyway. You don't know how they'd react, and they may react negatively, and if they do, I'd assume that would make you feel much worse than you already do.
Maybe writing a letter to them, expressing your feelings and then throwing the letter away, or burning it may help you get all of those emotions out. Or, submitting an anynomous letter to places like, "So There" if you don't mind knowing that it's out there so that they may possibly read it.

I wish there was more that I say that would help you out! I honestly don't think you need to be so hard on yourself. Sure, you made a mistake, but I really think one of the best things to do is forgive yourself, and try to move on from there. I know, it's much easier said than done, but it's worth a try.
Best wishes to you.

I really appreciate the kind reply! I didn't touch them in a private area besides the behind, but I still feel quite bad because I spanked them to receive pleasure even though it may not have started out that way, and I touched them like wherever else and received sexual pleasure out of it. One thing I didn't say is that I also played on day and put ice down their shirts (had to pull their shirts out). The reason I didn't say is because my sister found out, and my mom told me to never do it again. This was much earlier than the other incidents, but I don't think that I was doing it to be bad, but I guess even if I was doing it to see them or something, they found out. This whole thing sucks, but what you said really did healp! Thank you.

-- Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:19 am --

If I went and talked to a psychologist about this, wouldn't they put me in jail. Also, one of the people said it seemed like I didn't touch them, it was when they touched me, but when I touched them with my leg, it wasn't an accident. I just hate myself. I guess I want to hear it isn't that bad. I don't know.

-- Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:24 am --

If I went and talked to a psychologist about this, wouldn't they put me in jail. Also, one of the people said it seemed like I didn't touch them, it was when they touched me, but when I touched them with my leg, it wasn't an accident. I just hate myself. I guess I want to hear it isn't that bad. I don't know.

-- Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:25 am --

CruzingLily wrote:I think telling us here in definitely a start.
In all honesty, it doesn't sound like something you could go to jail for, and you don't deserve to die, either!
You didn't hurt them, and you were able to control yourself, and you didn't touch them, or do anything inappropriate. They should be fine. I'm awfully sorry that you're feeling so low about it, though. I don't think it's necessary to tell them anything, in fact, I don't think it'd be a smart idea anyway. You don't know how they'd react, and they may react negatively, and if they do, I'd assume that would make you feel much worse than you already do.
Maybe writing a letter to them, expressing your feelings and then throwing the letter away, or burning it may help you get all of those emotions out. Or, submitting an anynomous letter to places like, "So There" if you don't mind knowing that it's out there so that they may possibly read it.

I wish there was more that I say that would help you out! I honestly don't think you need to be so hard on yourself. Sure, you made a mistake, but I really think one of the best things to do is forgive yourself, and try to move on from there. I know, it's much easier said than done, but it's worth a try.
Best wishes to you.

You said that I didn't touch them, but I did, and I did it because it felt good like the spanking or touch their leg with mine. Or did you mean innappropriately?

-- Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:41 pm --

Thanks for all the replies guys! I literally didn't do like anything that I had convinced myself I did here. I let my OCD convince me of crap I didn't do, and even if I thought I didn't do it at the time, I had to make sure that even if I didn't do it, just to make sure it's okay in case I did it. My mind was really messed up. lol... Either way, pretty much none of this crap that I said I did, did I actually do, but thank you for all the answers.