Abused? to abuser?

When i was on 2nd grade the gay brother of my grandpa (yes he is that old) went to my room and kissed me... I said I don't want that kind of kiss... he kissed me on the mouth with his tongue... he did it twice in one day... I felt it was wrong so I cried and I told my parents about it... He apologized... nothing was done to me after that... I still do however feel very ashamed of it... It might not be a sexual thing but that left a mark on me... That experience deprived me of having close friends because I have something so shameful done to me...

a few years later... (when I was 14)

I really hate myself and really want to commit suicide because I almost turned out to be like him - an abuser... I almost took advantage of my own sleeping sister... I however stopped thank God... i havent done anything but my conscience wont stop bugging me...I am now haunted by these thoughts...

I know I am wrong and I deserve to be punished... My depression is well justified because I have done bad things... To those who maybe triggered... I'm sorry I do not want to be a reminder of an abusive relative...

Can I forget these things? I want to live a normal life... Everything is behind me now but the memories are always there... I really hate myself...

I am really sorry you had the experience you did, you did not deserve it and I think it probably distorted your boundaries. I know you feel bad about what you almost did but the point is you didnt, you stopped yourself and that is a big deal. Have you ever talked about this to anyone professional - both the abuse you suffered and the thoughts you had? I think it would help you. I have moved your post to the Remorse Forum. You have done nothing wrong tho it is just more appropriate there.

Keep talking

Cracked

I have never talked to anyone about it except on the internet... it is very shameful to admit... I don't have a face to show if I do that... I haven't even talked to anyone about it but yet I already feel all the negative emotions... I however talked to my parents about what happened to me... I told them the day after I felt abused... After that it was never brought up back again... What I tried to do however is still a secret... If I tell that to my parents then there will be a rift in my family... My sister doesn't know because she was asleep... I feel so awful, it was not only once but I tried a few times the good thing thought is that I have stopped in all of those instances but still... Up to now, I felt like my pedophilia is growing but I have controlled it... The thoughts still linger though... Because of these events I have developed other internal issues such as social anxiety, self-hate , etc...

I really think seeing a therapist would help you with figuring out what is going on for you and how to process your thoughts and guilt about the past. They would not judge you and would be supportive in helping you. Please think about it.

Cracked

I'm supposed to go earlier today but scheds won't fit... I will try next week... I think it will be a long road back to being a "normal" person (if I was even normal at one point)... The root which is my pedophilia experiences have branched out to many other problems especially about my personality... SIGHS... By theraphist do you mean psychiatrist or psychologist? There are only psychiatrist on my area and I've been to a psychiatrist before... she was too "scientific", instead of destroying the root she was just destroying the effects like depression... part of it was also my fault because I did not tell her everything...

I mean someone who will do talk therapy with you who could be either but commonly is a psychologist - at least in the UK. Please try to go as it would help you a lot I think

Cracked

So can a psychiatrist help me then? I will just receive some medication which I could clearly use to OD myself... Anyways the doctors here in the Philippines have a neurology + psychiatry title which makes them more scary... Maybe they'll treat me like some sort of mentally ill guy which is not true because I'm more of emotionally ill.. Pastors can't help becuase they will justify everything thru the Bible which is good but there are some things that is needed to be treated in a more uhhmmm (practical?) way... School counsellors wont help because... what do they know???!!! My former school counsellor told me that it was supposed to be confidential that I went to a psychiatrist before but it spread... My parents can't help on this... The only psychologist that I saw on the internet was some sort of clebrity life coach... I can't afford that... my allowance wont make it...

Do you think you could see your Dr and say you have some issues you need to talk about in therapy and could they refer you to someone?

Cracked

My former doctor is out of the country... don't know when she'll come back... I will do try to talk to a counsellor but I will not expose any serious details... I will only ask for recommendation on who should I see...

That sounds like a good idea - and please dont beat yourself up in the interim.

Cracked