Afraid To Post This, But Here It Goes

I really don't want to post this. I know what I did was wrong, but I keep questioning myself. I think I am trying to subconsciously remove blame from myself. Maybe if I can get someone else to tell me what I did was wrong I can finally except my punishment.

First of all, I am a pedophile. I am currently 22 years old.

1. When I was younger, I would spend the summer with my aunt and uncle. My aunt was a teacher and taught summer school for young children, which was basically a daycare. She would make me go with her.

One day, the school had a pool party. The teachers bought a couple of wadding pools for the kids to play in. At the end of they day, my aunt took her students back to the classroom to change into their dry clothes. We had a bathroom in the classroom, and the children would go in one at a time, dry off and change.

After a few minutes, my aunt had to leave the room, and told me to watch the kids. After she left, a boy walked out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles. He walked up to me and said he couldn't pull them up, and asked me to help. I kneeled down and grabbed his pants, and pulled them up. As I was doing this, my hand touch his butt.

2. Also while at my aunt and uncle's, while I was staying with other family. I was lying on the couch late at night, everyone else asleep, when I heard my 1 year old cousin crying in his room. I went to check on him, and he was standing up in his crib, crying. One of his toys had turned on by itself and scared him. I took him out of his crib and brought him into the kitchen. Then, I got him something to drink (his face was red and felt hot...I thought he might have had a fever) and waited for him to calm down. I carried him back to his room and laid him down in his crib, asleep. As I turned off the lights, the toy that had scared him turned on again and woke him up. He started crying, and after unsuccessfully trying to locate it, decided to let him sleep on the couch with me. Once we went into the living and laid down, he stopped crying and went to sleep, but while I was laying next to him I got an erection.

3. Not as specific as the other two, but when I was younger and would go to the bathroom at school, I would sometimes look at the other boys' penises. Once, I even exposed myself to some of them.

Please, I am just looking for honest replies. I don't want to be told that I can change. It's too late for that now. But I promise nothing like this will ever happen from me again.

I think that you are brave to post and that I can see you are struggling with feeling like this and with what has happened in the past. Yes what happened was bad but you are remorseful about it and you have said it is never going to happen again. Do you believe you are a risk to children? And are you having any professional help to talk through what you did as I think this would help you tho I can appreciate if you are scared to do this. You sound like you think you should be punished - what do you think your punishment should be?

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote: Yes what happened was bad

Thank you. As much as it hurts to know that, I am glad you were honest with me. I have asked about this on another forum and they told me it was nothing to worry about, but I knew that wasn't true.

CrackedGirl wrote: Do you believe you are a risk to children?

I am a pedophile. I think that speaks for itself. But if you are asking if I am going to abuse anyone else, no. I will make sure it can never happen.

CrackedGirl wrote: And are you having any professional help to talk through what you did as I think this would help you tho I can appreciate if you are scared to do this.

I am not seeing anyone about it and I never will. They can't help me. They can't change what I've done, or what I am.

CrackedGirl wrote: You sound like you think you should be punished - what do you think your punishment should be?

I should, and will, be punished. I hope that one day soon I get the courage to die so that my family does not have to know about this. And I don't know if Hell is real, but if so I have a one-way ticket.

I dont believe you have to die. I am sorry you feel that way as I really dont believe it is true. I disagree with you that a therapist wont be able to help you. They may not be able to change the fact you are a paedophile but they will be able to help you come to terms with who you are as a person and the remorse you feel over what you did. Please keep safe.

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote: I disagree with you that a therapist wont be able to help you.

If I go to a therapist, they will have to report for me what I did. I will go to prison, where I will most likely be killed anyway. In there, it will be 1000 times worse than anything I do to myself. At least if I do it myself, I can make it as quick as possible, and my family won't have to be shamed.

I am sorry you are feeling like you need to end your life. I agree with you that you must not touch children and doing so is very bad but it is possible to live as a paedophile and not do that. I also believe it is possible for you to move on from your past actions. Have you visited the paraphilias forum at all? It might help you.

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote: Have you visited the paraphilias forum at all? It might help you.

I have before, and I'd rather not go back.



I would like to ask you a question. Would all the things I mentioned in my first post still be considered abuse if I was not a pedophile?

I think touching the child would yes, I dont believe that you abused the baby who you got an erection next to.

Cracked

What about looking at the other boys' penises and exposing myself to them?


Why do you say that the erection would not be abuse but the other one would be?

You did not do anything to the baby from what I understood of your post. Yes you got an erection near them but you did not act on how you were feeling therefore I dont think this can qualify as abuse. I think that exposing yourself could count as abuse yes. How old were you when you did these things?

Cracked