im an abuser, ammendment

Update: And again i get the same feeling. Christmas time is coming up. Our family will all gather, and i'm going to feel out of place. I will feel like i'm supposed to be in psychiatric care, or prison. I'll feel like i'm faking a normal human being in front of them, the normal grandson, nephew, cousin but actually couldn't control himself and did odd things with his sister years ago. Its getting harder to even want to reconnect with my sister, as she is constantly reclusive, defiant, and hostile towards my mother and father. Completely silent towards me. It is illogical that I caused this cycle, as we were close even after the game sessions back two years ago, but i seem to subconciously take the blame anyway. But she will one day remember the young and stupid me politely asking that she remove her shirt to avoid getting "hot". I will forget what its was like to have a decent relationship with a sibling. So i have demoted my life. I might as well be a mentally, or physically disabled person. At least they are not at fault, and can't hide their deficiencies. I can, and always do, and i'm sick of it.

Reserval, do you know this movie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freaks ? It could cheer you up. I accept you one of us! Christmas is the high season of mental desaster. Hey, you know it all by yourself already, subconsciously taking the blame! Let us struggle through and show them a big time out sign three times a day

You need to start treatment for your OCD. You are having an unreasonable guilt/fear/anxiety response to something that hardly qualifies as abuse. Your sister said no and you accepted that.

You also need to be brave and confront your sister. Tell her how you feel about this. Tell your sister you miss spending time with her like you used too. That you feel like you don't know her anymore and you want to get to know her better. What is she going to say to that? She must have a heart deep down somewhere. Girls like to talk about there emotions- if you want to approach her, that might be the way to do it.

Until you do both of these things your situation is not going to change. This is the same problem I face- I get too anxious to confront my fears like I am supposed to.

This overwhelming guilt you are feeling is definitely a part of your OCD. Please consider treatment. It is the only way you will feel better.

horsegal, I agree with you on the first point, not sure about the second. She is 12 years old and her message is "leave me alone". I respect messages from 12 year old girls. We have little information and we are fellows, not experts. I am afraid to talk reserval into an escalation, not knowing how the responsible adults will react. I, for one, do not want a catastrophy on my record. Honestly, Remis.

Remis Fargo wrote:Reserval, do you know this movie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freaks ? It could cheer you up. I accept you one of us! Christmas is the high season of mental desaster. Hey, you know it all by yourself already, subconsciously taking the blame! Let us struggle through and show them a big time out sign three times a day

With all due respect, how can you accept me as one of you? Look at the Sexual abuse and incest forum. Everyone's either prosecuting their deviant family member, avoiding them for life, or just waiting for them to die. Quite a few of those people have probably read over this multiple times- how many do you think have amended their assaultant? What's my excuse going to be when my sister (hopefully) gets out of her wretched, hermit attitude and starts to reflect about the incidents? It's not like i didn't know what i was doing, i was thirteen. How am i going to condemn these acts by other people in good conscience?

I read the movie description on the wikipedia. The one major difference is that i'm not a midget, but my self esteem is.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

That is simple to answer. I am taking for granted you posted the truth here, a general complete confession. You stopped 2 years ago when you were about 13. Here where I live people become accountable at the age of 13. You stopped. Now you are 16 and you feel remorse. It makes you sick. You seek redemption. You wish it would have never happened. You want to make it right. That is a good attitude.

We all make mistakes. But you seem to be not ready to confront your sister because you are not yet prepared. You are stuck, possibly obsessive and there might be something wrong with your self-perception. You are alone with it, and you are afraid of your sister.

Your excuse is that you were a child. You have seen weird porn stuff on the net. Children play games to process their input esp if they are overcharged. This is why there is protection for children and young persons. In my opinion someone has failed to protect you, and someone is failing to support you right now. This happens all the time btw. It is not about blaming your parents. It is about how to solve problems. You have your problems, I have mine. You are not a monster. You are still overcharged, and I feel with you. I know very well what remorse is. But you have a responsibility towards yourself as well. There is no advantage in making yourself sick or staying sick to punish yourself.

Reserval, I got the impression you are avoiding to discuss your options concerning treatment. What is the problem?

Merry Christmas

Ok, remis. Here is an example to one of my biggest anxieties. If you've the time, look up a post by magnoliawash from november 6, on the s.a. & incest forum. This user was a victim by her older brother. He was about my age, and argueably similiar acts. This girl now hates his guts. I can't say whether she is right or wrong to do so. She says herself she can't stand to see him live a happy life. Now, i don't want my sister striving to take me down in the future like this story here. So, i can't stand to see myself living a happy life.

Treatment? Well, im still afriad to go, to be honest. Ive neve done it before. It could be an impotent waste of time, or it could be a drama that could get my folks involved. That's why.

Ok, magnoliawash and jasmin's answer, good. 
post639936.html
I would not touch her brother with a glove and pincers if he posted here. It is a different case. You say you acted agueably similar. That is not my reading. I say have this discussion with your therapist! 
If you were like magnoliawashe's brother you would know that you are perfectly save. That is the problem: this type is taking advantage and getting away. That is the pattern you do not fit into. 
He decided to forget it and live a happy life. You are about to decide to have an unhappy, unhealthy life. 
Jasmin told magnoliawash it could be helpful to have it out in the open. She said her brother was responsible for his actions. Now, tell me, how can you help your sister to speak her mind if you are sick? How can you take on your responsibility if you are sick? Help yourself first, then try to support your sister. Get a treatment. 
A waste of time, hm? Or just a little too much asked? I trust you to do the right thing. I read it between your lines. It has happened. I suggest you stop glaring at the snake and deal with it. 

-- Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:12 am --

That said, Reserval, in a gentle low voice, I would like to share a little. I know it is not my turn, excuse me being bold.

I told you I hated my sister. She was the dark empress of my world when I was eight. Cruel, destructive, nasty hypocritical blackmailer. I broke a thermometer, knowing the quicksilver fumes being toxic in the long run, and hid it in her desk drawer. I was looking forward to watch her headaches and all the other symptoms and enjoy a little time of undisturbed playing while she would be weakened at least. If not... ok, tomorrow is another day... She found it in the evening (of course) and showed the crime scene to my mother immediately. I thought this would be the end, but my mother did not get it. I watched my sister's face while my mother blathered and I knew we both were alone in this. We are fine by now, I told you.

But another thing: when I was ten, I played a game with the neighbors' daughter who was about 6. It ended up in the bathroom us both undressed kissing each others butt one time. That is what I called crossing the red line. I knew it was wrong because of the imbalance, and I was afraid she would tell her parents. Nothing happened. Really? Now that I had this little conversation with you I would like to ask her what she thinks about it today.

And something else: when I was 14... oh, ok, I have to write a letter to him. At once. I will tell you later on.

What now? If you decide to start treatment, you do not have to tell everything at once. If you are pondering, it is enough to tell that as a starter. If you have anxieties, tell just that. If you have questions about the limits of confidentiality, ask. You could try to establish a relation of trust as a prerequisite to open up. Any technical difficulties?

But you don't know what mognolia's brother thinks. He might just be unrepentent, or he might just hide his guilt, like i do everyday. This place is the only locale ive ever communicated about it, so if anyone close ever found out, they would grill me as expected because they would be oblivious to these writings.

I don't think my sister is ever going to try and kill me, in fact i have a better chance of doing that myself (i think my mentioned that before). I guess that is pretty dysfuntional, even by my standards. How did you manage to mend that relationship? (I bet youre going to say- Therapy.)

I don't know what to say about this one with the neighbor's daughter. I would feel forever violated by doing something like that. Just curious, are these experiences how you aquired schizophrenia?

Reserval wrote:But you don't know what mognolia's brother thinks. He might just be unrepentent, or he might just hide his guilt, like i do everyday.

I have been abused and I have been abusive, it is like a chain. Responsibility breaks the chain, it forces us to confront it and have it out in the open, be it an accusation or a confession. 
I guess he does not confront it, unsufficient level of suffering. You confront it almost every day, but you do not know how to get out. You need to move on, Reserval, there is no way back and you can't stay at the threshold, this would harm you in the long run.

Reserval wrote:This place is the only locale ive ever communicated about it, so if anyone close ever found out, they would grill me as expected because they would be oblivious to these writings.

I agree. It is not pointless what we do here, but it is preparation only. This is why I push you to therapy, I admit it. I would be incredibly relieved if you started one. 

Reserval wrote:I don't think my sister is ever going to try and kill me, in fact i have a better chance of doing that myself (i think my mentioned that before). I guess that is pretty dysfuntional, even by my standards. How did you manage to mend that relationship? (I bet youre going to say- Therapy.)

You bet, you lost My sister left home, and in a way she left what we both shared before, I would describe it as a silent battlefield of scorched earth. I came to her like a refugee, for some timeouts, and we did the little things, cooking, eating, dressing up and going out. Her friends became my friends. We went back to an innocent state when we were just sister and brother. We both longed for it. We were not ready to confront it. Later on she made the first move and we talked.

Reserval wrote:I don't know what to say about this one with the neighbor's daughter. I would feel forever violated by doing something like that.

You would? Aren't you? This is a minor fault to me. I would like to know what she thinks about it, but I have done something worse to my cousin when I was 14. I have sent him a mail, this is a work in progress now.

Reserval wrote:Just curious, are these experiences how you aquired schizophrenia?

I am schizoaffective, that is a little different. I had an episode 3 years ago after losing my job, home and partner, going through a depression and failing to reboot because I went manic with circumstances I was not able to change. There is some permanent damage with my brain chemistry rendering me disabled by 50%. That is the top of the iceberg. I can deal.
But some childhood experiences may have added to my HPD, and this is the iceberg itself. I am going to work on it in 2012. You are worrying about your sister, right? 

I want to stop to put pressure on you, just asking: are you going to address your OCD?