im an abuser, ammendment

So ive been thinking about getting my past abuse off of my chest, and ive remembered something (see post- im an abuser). A long time ago, a couple years maybe, my mom was watching/listening to a sexual abuse case on tv, what she said to me was so casual yet so serious- "If you ever did that, i would kill you myself". So ive gotten this sudden anxiety again (right after i seemed to be simmering down too) If this secret is ever let out, my relationship with my family and friends might well be over. A second reason i started this second post is because im getting distraught with all these posts from sexual abuse victims. I know you should be beyond angry at someone who violated you, but seldom are there posts of amending their abuser and dropping things that happened in the past. I am remorseful over my actions from over two years ago, but if i were to confess the secret to my parents or bring it up to my sister, how would i be able to say that before they....i dont know... snap, like most people would do upon hearing that you took advantage of your sibling? I feel quite alone, again.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. Do you think it would help you to read your other thread and see the responses of support you got? I have moved your post to remorse. Please keep posting to talk this out.

Cracked

Reserval, I really think the best thing you can do is talk to your sister about what happened, and apologize. Even if you aren't really talking to each other now, it may help open the door so to speak. Maybe just say Remember some of those weird games we played as kids? I'm really sorry about that.I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything.

I think some of this guilt you are feeling/ and fear that you are going to turn into a predator is in part due to your OCD. I'm not even sure how much what happened qualifies as abuse since you did stop when she said "no". Abusers do not stop. It is what makes them an abuser. As for the playing robbers and bandits, if she didn't trust you, I doubt she would have agreed to play along with the game.

I'm also going to assume that since this is OCD, actually confronting your sister will make you extremely anxious. Unfortunately the only way to reduce this fear is to confront her. Otherwise you are going to have this sitting in the back of your head bothering you.

I think you could benefit from a medication for your OCD/anxiety. You can approach your regular doctor and say that you have been struggling with anxiety for years and would like something that might help.

OCD is great at magnifying fears. what if I hit someone with my car? or what if I'm gay? or what if someone gets killed because of something I did? These sorts of thoughts are very distressing to the person. I think your OCD revolves around "what if I become a predator?".

There is a book called the boy who couldn't stop washing. Try to read some of the stories of others with OCD. I think it will help you understand yourself a little better. The book was really an eye opener for me. I had always felt like I was a freak or something.

@cracked girl- Will do. Thanks

@4horse- we're starting to have the very same conversation. I have a 99% probability of having OCD, correct. But i'm not worried about myself becoming a predator (i was never really 'attracted' to my sister). Im worried about her thinking so, and others if i ever tell them. You control your behavior, but its other people that control your respectability and reputation, if that makes sense. I'm trying not to sound egotistical here, then again i think its not arrogant to not want to be branded an 'abuser'. You must be getting sick of me by now, answering the same guy on the same subject

Don't worry, I don't get sick of people as long as they aren't throwing rocks at me.

Why would you need to tell anyone else about your conversation? or about what happened? I don't think that would be anyone's business except for you and your sister.

What makes you think your sister would think that you might become a predator? Just because you played bandit's as children? I think you aren't giving your sister much credit here. I'm assuming your sister has known you for almost your entire life. I would expect that she knows you better than that, even if you aren't talking to each other much.

Have you considered just telling your sister that you miss spending time with her? And see how she responds to that? Or say you are concerned about her because she has been yelling so much at your dad? Say you are wondering if she is okay?

She may be very defensive/hostile but it doesn't mean she isn't hiding a ton of emotions deep down. Girls like to talk about things on an emotional level. Try to share your feelings with her. Trust me, she will appreciate it, especially if you aren't a person who talks about their feelings.

@4horse. I don't need to tell anybody, matter of fact i dont want to. But the behavior of your average sexual predator is to tell nobody and take it to the grave.

You have to understand 4horse, ive read threads here, from people who were approached by older siblings, sometimes participating in about the same things i've done. I've seen very little forgive and forget stories.

My sister has communication problems with everyone, not just me. She hasn't had a civil talk with my father in over a year now, However that might be from the extreme immaturity and antagonistic mindgames he has put us through all these years. In any case my sister is inexcusably hostile to him and im supposing she will grow out of it. She has basic conversation with my mother, but my sister refuses to tell my mother about ordinary everyday things, like what she likes to do, what she did at school today, ect.

So as you can see this family has a serious communication barrier. The problem is someday my sister will remember, if not already. Nobody forgets someone asking to remove their undergarments or paddling them while roped up. Nobody. It doesn't matter how long you know someone, if they do something sick like that, right?

Reversal, I am sorry that I kind of silenced you in the other thread. If all abusers were like you, this world would be a better place. Sorry, I still do not believe it. You do not fit into the pattern. You deserve help, real help, not online punishment. Please go for it. Time for me to shut up.

Edited by Mod

Remis Fargo wrote:Reversal, I am sorry that I kind of silenced you in the other thread. If all abusers were like you, this world would be a better place. Sorry, I still do not believe it. You do not fit into the pattern. You deserve help, real help, not online punishment. Please go for it. Time for me to shut up.

You did nothing. No need to apologize. About getting 'help'...as in a therapy session? Its not like a pity party is it?

No shame, no pity. Yes, please look for a competent dialogue partner. A person knowing about abuse and, to put it in positive terms, mental health. Tell him/her and ask for a judgement. There are specialized organizations. They are there to help people like you, no matter wether you think you are a culprit or a victim or a witness. My goodness, you are 16! They will not harm you. Don't be afraid to do what a real abuser would never do, that is, stop and tell and look for help. It is your best choice.