Any advice? I feel awful.

Okay, this is a serious question and I feel like a piece of trash writing it. I am 22. Between the ages of maybe 13-17 or 18 there would be times when I would spank my cousins. Twice is was when I was babysitting them and I felt like they deserved it. The other times would be like "playful" I'm gonna spank you joking around kind of things and then I would "play spank" them. I didn't understand the significance of it at the time but I would get aroused at these times. I never really had a good education as far as sexual things growing up. As I got into late high school and college I began to understand the significance of what I did and the arousal. I also became a strong Christian and I understand that God has forgiven me. I still feel awful. I feel like I molested them. There was no other inappropriate touching other than on their bottoms and that was only a few times but I still feel awful. To make it worse, there would be times I would masturbate and those thoughts of me doing that would spontaneously pop into my head. I again felt like a piece of trash. I am not attracted to children but I feel like a pervert. And to make things even worse, I am in school to become a counselor. I have moved on from those thoughts and problems and no longer get aroused at those thoughts. There are times when I get aroused when the topic of spanking is brought up which I find very strange. I reiterate I am not some child molesting pervert but I feel absolutely terrible. I feel like I molested them without knowing it. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is? What should I do?

Hi and welcome

You are brave to post - I know that would have taken guts. The thing I would say is this needs to be discussed in therapy, not necessarily the part about still being aroused by spanking perse, although that is possibly relevant, but what happened. As you are training to be a counsellor do you have supervision? If so perhaps you could bring this up there. I think it would help you a lot.

Cracked

Thanks for the response. Do you think therapy is necessary? I do have supervision in my program but I don't think I would be comfortable going to him as I would be worried it would change his view of me. I also am pretty broke and really can't afford to go pay for counseling somewhere. Do you think it's wrong of me to just not say anything about it and live with it? The way I look at it now is that my cousins didn't get hurt and I'm guessing they don't know the difference. Since it was years ago I doubt they even remember it. I feel like I'm the one making a big deal out of a weird thing. Does that make sense? So do you think it's necessary to get counseling or do you think it's something I can just learn to forgive myself for and move on? Like I said in the original post, it isn't a recurring thing.

-- Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:29 pm --

Also do you think I should view myself as an abuser or pedofile? Like I mentioned, I really had no idea what I was doing at the time. I have no intention or desire to ever do anything like that again but I still feel like a terrible person.

The reason I think therapy is necessary is because the answers to the questions you ask are complex and difficult. Not ones that can be solved without the help of a trained professional. Plus I think that truly good counsellors and therapists have worked fully on their demons too and this includes disclosing the really bad dark secrets we think we hold. This is just my opinion tho, feel free to ignore it.

Cracked

Hi,

I think that cracked maybe has a point, but I don't really think what you did was that bad. People used to spank my bottom as a child, when I was at a friends house their mum used play a game when we were going for a bath where we would run up the stairs for the bath and she'd chase us and play spank our bottoms. And In my house when we go up the stairs we all play spank everyone's bottoms,chasing them up the stairs. I think it's completely innocent.

I don't think I've been affected by it I'm a little messed up, but I don't think this is the reason at all. You said you got aroused but you didn't act upon it, and I do not think you abused them.

Like cracked said about speaking to a professional, I think it might help you get over your guilt.

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.