im an abuser

Long post: im sixteen years of age and a boy with a bit of a cloud on my head. It came to me, all at once a few months ago that i borderline abused my younger sister, who is three and a half years younger than me. Now, weve always been kind of an isolated family, and ive always been quite impulsive. I have (and have been trying to avoid) a thing for kinky stuff (whips, girls tied up) and so ever since along time ago, about nine years old, i would implement these "games" almost always in the summer. I would make a lasso with a rope and catch my sister, and she laughed and play along. To this day, that was fun, harmless childhood, fun. As i got older i had more access to the internet. I immediatly would take time to look up bondage once in awhile. when i was about twelve i showed my sister a couple pictures when our parents were not around, these were pretty tame; it was a cartoon drawing of a few fictional anime women in skimpy clothing bound and gagged. She didnt have to much an opinion of it at the time, but i would ask to tie her up, she agreed. Then i'd ask her something else; Do you want to be tied up in your bra and underwear. I look back now discusted, especially when i knew at the time she wasnt even wearing bras. She lead out a slightly disgruntled "no!" and that was the end of that, and i am glad now that she refused. Maybe the same summer when the parents were away after that we would play the same game (i was the bandit or whatever) and before id tie her up id ask her to remove her shirt so she wouldnt get "hot". Again, she refused, mildly nonchalantly. I swear one time that i was tied up, while she taunted me, i could tell my sister was turned on by this. Around the same time we would wrestle around once and while, and i pin her, and conviently have both my hands on her breasts. She never commentedAnd it still makes my skin crawl today. When i was thirteen or fourteen we would still take an oportunity to play this; she was almost eager to play this "game" by this time. One time i tied her and then i , turned her on her stomach and spanked her a few times. Right, provacative. Yet around the same time i would try to watch her undress for the shower from a dark room across her bedroom. I could of swore she caught me one time, but she didnt bother to come in, or shout anything so...who knows. During these years my sister never seemed to hold this against me (Although she did contront me about the bra and underwear request about a year after. She said something close to 'i dont know where you get these ideas'." That was at least two years ago ago now. Now we dont even talk. And she constantly verbally abuses my dad, so mcuh that they dont carry on a civil conservation. I suspect this just twelve year old development stages, or that were sort of a weird family anyway, but my anxiety problem points to me. Know one knows about it except my sister but i wonder what she thinks of me now or if she remembers that. I am aware that this is relativily mild compared to other cases on this site and it was a marginalized thing me and my sister did compared with our whole childhood but this eats at me. The sudden realization started just a few months ago. I dont want to be the freakish perverted brother and later on i dont want to be the freakish perverted uncle. Now whenever i see Dateline's to catch a predator it makes my stomach turn, because i believe i am no better that those sickos. Kids at school may make a completely unserious comment to shoot the breeze like 'that jacket makes you look like a pedophile' i laugh on the outside and kick myself on the inside. Since my sister is completely silent towards me nowadays, it would be too awkward making apologies out of nowhere. i just feel like i've tainted my existence, and hers. advice...

I think that it is brave of you to post this. I wanted to ask you something that might be triggering. Do you believe anything happened to you as you seem to have been aware of quite unusual sexual stuff at a young age and I wonder if you were acting out?

I know you are young so this may not be possible esp if you have not told but I think therapy would be really useful for you if you could get it as it would help you figure this out more.

Cracked

Thank you for responding. Well, the only source of that could possibly be considered abuse in my childhood would be my dad. For a long span, we used to wrestle, and when he would pin me, he would pump his open hand onto my chest area, because i was and still am ridicously ticklish there. And a few times we would describe it as a vampire bat or feasting, which added to the grossed out feel. This was not a "secret' or anything. My mom could be right in the room, would only say 'well, fight yourself out' at me, or maybe to my dad 'oh dennis, stop it'. Now, i wouldnt consider that abuse other than the fact that i parelelled that with my sister a couple times. The main thing my dad would do, which was slightly juvenile, is irritate us to death. One summer i got a buzzed hiarcut, and he would comment on my head that it 'looked like a summer peach'. Sometimes he would catch me unaware and kiss my head quickly, and then run with me pursuing, and not in a playful way. Other times he would peak beside a doorway of a room and reveal half his face, then slowly retract and reveal half again. He would do this crap until he got a reaction out of us; rage, chase him, he didnt care. After a couple years worth of doing this i would begin to hit my dad in response to this, which was also was no secret. He woudlnt fight back he would double up and take it and then carry on some other time. And i know that was wrong,striking him, but its a lot harder to repent of that considering the tormented state of mind i would be in about that time. I feel sort of bad revealing this on the internet, because i dont know if this is a sort of parent-child bonding, but then again, me and my sister, never felt any closer to dad when he would pull this stuff. But throughout all those years he would actually act like a father the other half of the time. Thats history now, about 3 years ago,at the earliest. I think this is why my sister may not talk to hm currently or respond to him insolently when he says at all to her, ANYTHING. Im trying to parellel my feelings about the much more frequent and the much longer incidents with my dad with the feelings of my sister about my 'games'. My thoughts: I talk to my dad now freqently joke around with him. Although those memories still make me enraged inside, i dont consider him a monster. My sister might take it this way towards me?

It sounds like both of you have a complicated relationship with your father for sure. Do you have a school counsellor you think you could talk to - I am not necessarily saying bring up the stuff with your sister straight out but you could talk about your Dad and then if they seem like a reasonable person bring up your worries about your sister. I and others are of course happy to talk to you on the internet but I also think you would benefit from talking to some one IRL.

Cracked

Yes, i think it would give me some relief to talk to someone one on one. But, i dont think it will be a school counselor ill be talking to, because i'll most likely graduate before that happens. I might also be getting treatment for mild ocd and anxiety in the near future (my father has these conditions and takes medication regularly). For now, i am content to reveal my plights semi-anonymously on the internet. Again, thank you for your time .

No problem and let me know how you get on.

Cracked

Have you considered apologizing to your sister? And asking her why the two of you don't talk anymore?

I think some of this has to do with your OCD. You are feeling guilty about something that has already passed. It doesn't sound like you did her very much harm. As long as you always stopped when she said "no". The thing about predators is they do not stop, no matter how much the victim wants them to. This might be considered borderline abuse, but it doesn't sound like you did any real harm.

You seem to have learned from your mistakes. As long as you have no intention of repeating this behavior with anyone else, I don't think you should be beating yourself up about it. You aren't a predator or a pedophile. OCD loves to magnify guilty and turn a small concern into a much larger one.

Why don't you talk to your sister? It might clear things up and make you feel a little better?
Have you thought of asking your sister how she feels about your father?

It almost sounds like the problem lies with your father. His behavior seems strange to me... Although I don't have much to base it on. My father is a very distant person who does not share very much about himself.

@ 4horsegal. I can't apologize to her until we start talking again. I am still ashamed of what i've done, and, as you pointed out, I most likely have OCD. We just never had a formal daignosis because it cost too much at the time. The main problem is not that i dwell on it, its that there will always be triggers in life that will remind me about it. My father used to do strange things, but i don't think i need anymore condemnation of anyone else at the moment. Even if i could talk with my sister, how do you form a verbal apology, without sounding like a remorseful psycho? Thanks for writing.

Have you tried writing to her or sending her an email? Maybe you need to take the first step forward and approach her? Maybe ask her why she doesn't want to talk to you?

It sounds like she does expect an apology of some sort. I've seen this with my friends. If a guy does something to upset them, I've seen them pull away and not talk to the other person until that person says they are sorry for .....(what ever the case may be). Think back and try to figure out when she stopped talking and what was going on at that point. Did you say something or do something to upset her? It could be anything. The problem with this sort of situation, is most girls just expect the guy to know what they did wrong.

Or maybe she just pulled away because she has other interests, is busy, or has other friends. It might not have anything to do with you.

Is she refusing to speak with you at all? Or does she at least acknowledge you?

The only way to resolve this is to talk to her. Ignoring this issue can damage your future relationship. If/when you do talk to her, be sure to include your feelings. I know most guys don't like to talk about feelings, but it is definitely something she will relate to.

@horsegal. I do want this resolved dont get me wrong, but sending a email to my sister is a lot easier said then done. I may have a warped perspective, but she is very intimidating to approach. Ever since a year ago and up until now, she is very hostile towards my dad (No creative insults or profanity, just a top-lung SHUT-UP or a LEAVE ME ALONE sometimes up to 30 times per day, but daily nontheless).She is usually very rude to my mother and does not aknowledge me in any way. So, in short our family is in need of serious help in general, but since ive remembered what i did with my sister ive been writhing with guilt, and is one of my top priorities to uh...fix. (I dearly apologize if this is morphing into a sob story). Maybe i need an ocd prescription? Although, I have heard that medication can mentally damage children and teens.