Is this molestation?? My god i wanna die

Sorry if this is long but please i need help. Also i dont know if i post it to the right place. I will start saying that my family is very close with my uncle/aunt family and i love them very much, i love my uncle like my own father and my cousins like my own sister and brother. Nick is 12 and Mary is just 6 and a half, im 18 years old. Our houses are very near and i visit them almost every day. One day before 4-5 months we were watching TV with my cousins and i was knee bouncing Mary and she was doing the "awawa" thing that kids do when you shake them. i didnt pay much attention at all. One other day we were doing the same thing and then i noticed that she was enjoying this in a sexual way (i guess because my knee was pressing against her genitals), i immediately told her to get down from my lap because she is heavy, because i didnt want her to feel ashamed or anything. Also, i noticed that sometimes when she was in front of me to tell me something she would push her genitals against my knee for a while. Sometimes when i had her in my arms and gave her a big hug she would push her genitals against my stomach or my chest. This situation was really embarrassing for me. So i just stopped knee bouncing and the problem solved, she didnt acted again "sexually" in front of me. Because sometimes i joke with her of being kinda fat i tickle or rub her tummy. So 2 months ago she was on the couch and i was rubbing her tummy for a while, she laughed and told me that she feels like "yoga" (i dont even know where she heard that) and she wanted me to do it faster, i tried it and she was doing the same "awawa" thing that she did from knee bouncing, i stopped but she told me to continue, i told her no and she said "come on", i told her again no and she said "ok". The next day she asked me again to rub her tummy and i told her that she is a big girl now and she is not a baby and she just said ok. Thanks god from that day she never again acted "sexually" in front of me and i see her almost every day, i take her to my lap (without bouncing her) and shes is acting very normal. Its like nothing ever happened. Actually she always was/is a very happy and normal kid who likes to be with her friends and cousins and she is enjoying her childhood very much, we have never noticed any sign of depression or anything . So the time passed and i almost forgot of it. 6 days ago i read some child molestation stories that got me really upset and for some reason i remembered when i was knee bouncing my little cousin and i got really upset with myself because i think that i introduced her to sexual feelings (even though i have seen her before touch her privates which i think is very normal for kids). From that day i feel so disgust with my self, i feel guilty, anxious, nervous and my heart hurts like im in panic. I want to eat but i cant cause i feel like im full in my stomach. i go to sleep in 9 o'clock cause im so tired without eating and i wake up in 12 o'clock with panic attack without seeing any nightmares and i cant sleep till early in the morning and when i wake up i feel like a corpse. I feel like i am inside a horror movie the feeling of anxious, panic, fear wont go all day my family and my uncle/aunt are very worried about me, my friends call me for going out but i dont want, i try to pass as much time as possible with my cousin to be sure that she is ok but when i go home, the feeling of guilt comes back. I feel like im in hell, but thanks god she is a completely normal kid and that is what really matters and she probably doesnt even knew what she was feeling. Even now that im like that when i see her playing with toys and singing with her friends i smile and i feel better. I love her so much and she is like my little princess, 2 days ago i told her that i love her very much and whenever she needs me i will be there to protect her, and if anything ever bothers her or she wants to say anything she must never be afraid or ashamed and tell it immidately to her parents or me, she laughed and say ok. I know that she loves me and trust me very much and many times she asks for my help. Also she told me that she wished i was her brother like Nick and i almost cried. Last, i want to say that im not a pedophile and i have been always attracted to girls of my age, i dont get aroused when i see a naked kid or anything and the last thing in the world that i want is to create a emotional trauma to a kid. So guys is this a molestation situation or i am being paranoid??

From what you have described, no that is not molestation. You have no need to worry. You have done nothing to harm your cousin. You haven't done anything sexual or inappropriate. And you clearly didn't intend for anything you did to be viewed in a sexual context either.

Often young children with touch or rub their own genitals because they haven't learnt that it isn't socially acceptable and they like the way it feels. This is probably what was happening when she was enjoying you bouncing her on your knee or when she was pressing herself into you. I think you did the right thing by not encouraging anything that might lead to something inappropriate. You didn't molest her or do anything inappropriate from what you have described.

She is obviously very fond of you (in an appropriate way) so try not to withdraw your affections from her for fear of it being misconstrued for something else.

I agree, please dont worry. You have done nothing wrong. This is not molestation, she had a sexual reaction by the sounds of it that was accidently induced and she had not yet learnt that it is not appropriate to be so public in showing that. You did not act in a willfully sexual way towards her and you are not a molester or from what you say a paedophile. What you did by telling her she could always speak to you is a good thing. Please dont worry about this.

Cracked

I agree with the others. You've done nothing wrong at all.

Do not feel guilty, as you've done nothing wrong. I've been masturbating at least since I was 3.5 - it's normal for kids to have sexual feelings. The reason that things like molestation are problems is because the child lacks social context for these things (they just know that some things feel good, and it can take awhile before they have established socially appropriate boundaries) and adults have more power than they do, so it is wrong to exploit that power differential. You did not do such a thing - it's not as though you touched her sexually, and you set boundaries once you realized that her understanding of the boundaries was blurry, instead of using that information to manipulate her.

Molestation is a problem for many more reasons than the one you mention.

Cracked

Thanks for all the replies, yes i start to feel much better, i eat again and i am not nervous, anxious and the panic attack have gone, i feel again normal but sometimes during the day the feeling of guilt will come for awhile and go again...anyway thanks for your help!!

You are welcome, I really hope things improve for you.

Cracked

This is not molestation, ^ apparently. I've had my niese do the same to me, I had to put a stop to this as well, I think alot of people are un-aware of the exitement being arousal. I had no idea this affected people soo badly, even if you where attracted to children, dosent mean your evil. Some people are very cruel, and hurt children with molestation, but not every one! attracted to children hurt them, most stay away if the personal limitations are exceeded, such as making sure an adult is around. Many with an attraction issue to children beat them selves up, and some may say well they should thats good, but in reality it's very bad, it's better for that person to be happy with them selves, and know there limitations, being in pain all the time is no way to live. Take care John46.

youve gotten your answer, but im sure one more opinion will help reinforce it. No you did nothing wrong. You stopped when you realized something was going wrong. people arnt born with what is acceptable and what is not. You are taught that. She hasnt learned it yet, so she feels there is nothing wrong in whats happening. You however know the difference and stopped when you thought things were bad.

You did a good job. You did nothing wrong.