Made a fake Facebook profile... then it got out of control

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for it... but "remorse" is a good way to put how I am feeling right now.

I violated an innocent person's trust and broke their heart yesterday, and I don't know what to do about it.

It started off as an innocent experiment. It was not meant to snowball the way it did, and I never meant to hurt anybody.

I live in a city and work in an industry where looks matter -- A LOT. I am not ugly, but I am not a 10, or a 9, or an 8. I'm average, I'm forgettable. But I am surrounded by friends who have brains + perfect 10 looks. It seems like everything in life gets handed to them simply because they are extremely easy on the eyes. They get jobs without necessarily having the qualifications, they date rich, famous men, they get to experience a lot of really cool things in life and from everything I've observed, being super attractive is all one needs to make it in life. Anyone who is the ugly duckling in a sea of beautiful creatures knows what I am talking about because they've observed the same double-standards and unfair inconsistencies in life.

I've had a lot of free time this summer, and instead of finding a hobby and being productive with my life, I decided to conduct a little "experiment". Human behavior fascinates me to the point that I should've been a psychologist or anthropologist. I decided to see how different things would be for me if I presented a different "face" to the world. So I made a fake Facebook profile that was very convincing. I even made a few "sock puppet" accounts to make it look like I had real friends. I used pictures of a girl who physically represented everything I wish I could be- she was everything I WOULD be if I had the motivation and the confidence to wear whatever I wanted to. She was beautiful but had a unique sense of style. Not a plastic barbie doll-type, but still a head-turner. I used this person's pictures with my personality (because deep down, I think I am an interesting person... but my insecurity about my physicality sometimes keeps my personality locked up).

It started off really fun, actually. I was getting random requests from really impressive people. Everyone was intrigued by me, everyone wanted to get to know me. I was getting invites to all sorts of private events (that I had to turn down, obviously). I was still "me" in that I still had the same interests, the same sense of humor, the same personality that I normally have, but with this person's picture splashed over "me", I was suddenly the girl that EVERYONE in my city wanted to know.

I ended up getting over 300 friends. It quickly started snowballing out of control and it went from being a curious little experiment to something that I was investing serious chunks of time in. I started spending a good chunk of my free time on this- more "dummy" accounts, more fake pictures. I stopped using my real facebook and dropped off the radar in my real life. I became engulfed in this fantasy life. It was more fun because I could still be myself, uncensored, but as long as there was a gorgeous face attached to my personality, I had a captive, adoring audience. I figured this must be what it must be like to be one of "them".

So here's where the story gets bad: I ended up becoming close friends with a girl on there. It started off with talking through FB, then with phone conversations. We had so many similarities, from our hobbies to our turbulent childhoods. It was very creepy how similar we were and how we suddenly ended up best friends. Neither of us had EVER made such a close connection with people in our outside lives before. I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't keep the charade up forever, and that I should back out of it before I get exposed or we get too attached to each other's friendship. But it felt so good to have a friend who understood me, who completed my thoughts, someone to talk to when I'm lonely. Even though this was all under a fake name and face, I was very happy to have found her.

Apparently she had told someone in her life about me and probably showed them my profile or picture, because yesterday I got a very shocked message from her that said, "WHO ARE YOU? I feel like an idiot!". The person's pictures that I had been using is someone that her friend knew, or knew of. It completely caught me off guard. She went on to send me a dozen more texts and calling my phone like crazy. I felt physically ill and was not prepared to face the music, so I deleted all her texts without reading them and changed my phone number. I deleted my profile. This was all yesterday.

Today, I'm numb. I want to cry but I can't. It's all locked up inside. I think I'm still in shock at how quickly everything unfolded. I'm devastated that I've lost an amazing friend, but even more upset that I hurt her. She has been hurt by so many people in her life, and I'm just another one in a long line. I am sick to my stomach that I did this to someone. Even worse, my cowardice and running off without an explanation has probably left her thinking that I faked everything about my personality and that I never cared at all. I was a *real* person, I only had fake pictures. I can't even describe how horrible this feels. Even though I've hidden the problem and don't ever have to face anyone about what I did if I don't want to, it's still right in my face. I deserve all the bad karma in the world, but I can't believe I am putting someone else through this. I am so ashamed and I don't think this will ever be okay. This was not supposed to happen. No one was supposed to get hurt, this was only supposed to be an experiment. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

Please try not to beat yourself up too much about this. It sounds like it started as an experiment that jsut got out of control. Two things I can think of. Firstly do you think you could get in contact with this friend you made and explain to them everything being totally honest. Second thing is considering therapy to work on your self esteem because it sounds like things have got to a fairly extreme level for you wrt this. These are proactive things you can do to fix what has happened as best as you can. Thinking of you.

Cracked

Thank you for your response. I know deep down that the right thing to do is to come clean. Maybe the shock is still too fresh, but right now I can't even bring myself to do that. I can't even look at other people. I am so so ashamed. It took a lot for me to even put it in here. I am really hoping this feeling subsides because I do want to give her some sort of explanation, but right now I just can't. I am a coward. I know I would want an explanation if I was in her shoes. I can't imagine how confused she must be right now that I've completely disappeared.

Hey anon11.
I understand how you feel shocked and despairing in this situation. Please don't take it too hard on yourself, as you and Cracked have said, it was an experiment that just got out of control.

Please don't give up now. Even if you don't feel up to it now, you should still try to contact your friend, even if it's to say you're sorry. You're no coward. Even posting this up shows that you have some courage. You are a decent person, even if you feel guilty and afraid right now. Deep down, your friend knows you're a decent person, but you need to prove to her.

I'm with Cracked on the therapy theme. You need to seek professional help to deal with any other problems you have, now or later.
Hope this helps. Thinking of you.

Give it some time for the dust to settle then, and then consider an explanation. I think there are reasons why you did what you did and hopefully they will understand that. Well done for posting.

Cracked

Thanks. I'm hoping I can get over this paralyzing fear of showing my real self to her, just long enough to offer an explanation and apologize. She deserves at least that much. I don't expect, or even want a friendship now- the embarrassment of the situation is too much for me to be reminded of every day. But I do want her to know that I'm sorry and it was never my intent to hurt, much less befriend anybody. I'm not religious, but it almost feels like I was being tested, or punished the way this happened. We were so similar that it was OBVIOUS to both of us that we were supposed to be friends. All either of us had ever wanted was the friendship that we found in each other. It was very surreal. Why couldn't this happen in my real life? Why did it have to happen with this, and why did it have to be ripped away? The whole thing just feels like an awful dream.

It did happen in your real life just in a weird part of it that was not part of your everyday life. It does nto take away the connection you had. Please consider therapy as well as apologising.

Cracked

I'm sure you will eventually. If you can tell us, you can tell her when you can. Don't give up hope completely though. I'm sure you never meant to hurt anyone. She might still feel the same way about your friendship, that you were meant to be friends. I'm sure she'd understand if you explain it to her the way you have on this forum.

Hey Anon, wondering if time has brought you any comfort or perhaps even the courage to take action on the matter you brought to us.

Best wishes.

I hear ya.. I am sorta in the same boat. Basically I made a fake xanga (remember those?) about a girl who reported me to the social worker in high school. This xanga was like REALLY mean, though. And she only wanted to help me; I know her intentions were good. But I made this horrible fake xanga account. Almost 10 years ago. But still, I sometimes see her parents when I go for a walk and ugh. Way beyond awkward. I can't even make eye contact. I know (for the most part) where you're coming from.

How understanding did your friend on facebook seem? You could always take a risk and show her this thread... You have been very honest in here and it is obvious you do have a lot of regret. I agree with others here-- you got caught up in an expirement out of control. You are not a bad person. Anyway, what do you think would happen if you showed her this thread? has she seen your real picture ever? Maybe try and build a relationship with her outside of this ordeal...if she's understanding enough to get over your mistake. Good luck!

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 2:07 am --

ok I posted this a few weeks too late.. but I hope that person still reads and gives us an update