guilty mind...wanting to let go

I am a female aged 21 years old and have 6 younger siblings (but have a different dad than them )who i want to have the best life but feel a burden on my shoulders of what I have done to two of them and I have a story to share that has haunted me and I have never told anyone this before. So... This is a bit hard to say but when I was 9-11 I made my two younger brothers (who are now 16 and 19) do sexual stuff with me. At first it started off playing pretend games and getting naked but then it grew into more than that like make them touch me in inappropriate places.It really hurts me that I did this and that it went on for so long..I wish I knew why I did this but I have know idea why and often try to think of reasons why i could have done such things because surely an innocent 9 year old girl doesn't just come up with these things by herself.So i have done much thinking about this and here are some things I feel may have contributed to this 1. While going to sleep at night id constantly hear arguing or sexual noises coming from my parents bedroom. 2. Around this time is when a girl at school had introduced me to masturbation and said she did inappropriate things with her nephew also a year later my other friend and her brother showed me their private areas. 3. Also around the same time (although i dont know if i knew it then) my cousin(s) had been raped by my uncle and possibly granddad. Im not too sure of the details and am unsure if i seen it but i do know that I was at the house it happened the day that it happened.I sometimes get flashbacks but not of anything bad that happened that day just of the people around and the environment. 4.(this I have no clue when it happened) my mother told me that my uncle had rapped her and I found out that there was a history of rape and incest. She didnt grow up with them and got put in a foster home at the age of 2.....So those are the things i came up with for why i may have done what i did but i am not entirely sure.Aside from why i did it i feel a huge responsibility on my siblings life. As the oldest i feel like i should be the best role model i can for them but feel i have already ruined that for my 2 brothers.I know that one of them knows as a few years back he got angry at me and called me rapist i was so shocked that i just walked away and pretended i hadnt heard him.The other day i wrote him an email saying sorry for hurting him but i didn't say exactly what had happened.. I felt a huge release of tension from that but also know that its not going to make the past change and anytime he is struggling in life i feel a huge responsibility and feel like it is all my fault..My other brother i havent told as he hasnt got an email or phone but when i do see him next i will try my hardest to apologize..I wish I could take all the pain away because even though they may not hurt now i feel as though i have caused them huge trauma for the future which i soooo do not want them to have. I want them to succeed in life and be the happiest they can be. I want them to set good examples for my other siblings and make my mum proud...more than anything i want them all to be safe..just letting you guys know about this i feel like i have taken a step..I want to talk to someone about this but I am way to afraid to look them in the eye and am way to ashamed.I have consider talking over the phone to someone about it but when i went to i couldn't get through.I really just want to let this go but i feel i cant knowing that i may have traumatized my brothers. This is one of the only things that is really holding me back in life. Ive tried to just forget it but then it randomly pops up and i know i have to deal with it...any thoughts welcome....id love to hear what you think about this and what i should do to help my brothers.

Hi and welcome to the forum. I have moved your post to the remorse forum, I hope that is OK. I think it sounds like you have some reasons for why this happened and you are brave to post about what you did. It sounds like there is anger there between you and your siblings from the name you were called and this will need to be addressed but I think that the first thing that needs to be addressed is you. Before you can help others you need to help yourself. I would suggest you look for a therapist to work this through with - they may also be able to give you help on how to deal with your siblings as well. Please keep posting and thank you for being so honest.

Cracked

I commend you on being honest. That takes a lot.

As always, Cracked has some great advice. I second therapy to work through everything you've mentioned.

There is a little anger there but we still get on good which I am so thankful for.I am really ashamed to talk to someone in person about this.Do you have any suggestions? Like a free phone line I can talk to a therapist on or emailing them? I live in NZ so let me know..I would love to fix this issue I feel that it is truely the only thing holding me back in life

It is generally better to do therapy ftf, tho some therapists do offer it via Skype, so you could look into this. But I would recommend you trying to get the courage to see someone ftf. Thinking of you.

Cracked

I have a fear of the therapist judging me if i see them walking down the street. I also fear that my secrets will be told and my name will have a bad reputation

Wondering what your therapist would think of you in a real life setting and how you would deal with that is a valid thought and fear but in reality they would prob acknowledge you subtlely and move on with their day. You could discuss this with a therapist to have a plan in place - I did. As for anything getting out it would not. Therapists are bound by a strict code of ethics and they would not tell anyone except perhaps their supervisor who is a therapist they have to have who is also bound by confidentiality. The only exception to this is if you are judged to be a serious danger to yourself or others.

Cracked