Former abuser

First of all, I am very sorry for those who have been victim of sexual abuse. I have been reading posts in this forum and I understand more about your pain and suffering. I wish you will be able to find peace in your life.

I am a 17 your old male and I have been developing my morality lately. And now, I am seeing through my faults in the past. I was once massively addicted to pornography and had a lot of immoral thoughts. They lasted for 4-5 years before I have driven them away thanks to my faith. I am utterly disguisted of what I have been and I promised to myself and the Lord that I will never return to what I was before. It was a success for me because I have a strong morality. At the moment, I am trying to clean my past so that I could start my hopes of using my abilities to help other people in the future. As I cleaned my past I realized that there is something that I have done extremely wrong and have not realized it until now.

It happened when I was 14 or 15 years old at the time. I have done something very wrong to my sister who was 11 or 12 years old at the time. I have memory of the things while she was sleeping. It happened three times. I am very ashamed and disguisted of what I did. She doesnt know about it because she was asleep. To me, it was utterly disrespectful. I have not realized how terrible it was until I started seeing through my own faults. Upon discovering, I completely became ashamed and guilty for what I did. It hurts deep down to see myself at that time. I would literally keep thinking every hour about it. I cried many times and wished to have prevented what I did. It is very heavy in my chest and sometimes I was forced to lie when asked if I am ok because I keep i hidden for now. I hate lying because my conscience attacks me.It is very painful for me. I started to feel suicidal but I couldn't because that is a coward's way to ease the pain and it is against my faith.

Recently, I have watched a TV show which depicted second chances in life. I confessed my faults to the Lord and asked for forgiveness. I believe He has forgiven me, although I sometimes doubt about it. I have also forgiven myself and look forward to move on. I want to take responsibilty for my actions and seek to ask forgiveness from my parents and sister. It doesnt matter for me if I will get really punished for what I did. I would accept it if I am sent in jail. I will accept the pain because I truly deserve it. I want to reveal my actions to parents and my sister. However, I fear the consequences that might happen to my family, especially my sister. I am full of remorse and will accept whatever punishment will be given to me. But I fear that this revelation may ruin her life forever.

I have not been a good brother to my sister and son to my parents. It isnt their fault why it happened. I am the one who is disfunctional and I regret the fact that I failed to protect my sister and be a good person. However, I want it to change from here. Will it be right for me tell my parents and sister about what I did in the past or keep it to myself?

Thank you for your honesty and I am glad your faith is helping you. It is a difficult question as to whether you should bring it up with your family. First of all I would suggest seeking some professional help in order for you to work throught this, why you did it and how you feel about it. They may also be able to help you with making the decision about your family.

Cracked

refreshed wrote:Will it be right for me tell my parents and sister about what I did in the past or keep it to myself?

If I may offer perhaps an interesting perspective on a slightly different topic, there's a difference between honesty as a virtue and honesty as a principle.

Honesty as a virtue compels you to speak the truth - even when not asked for.
Honesty as a principle admits the truth - if asked for.

I understand hiding from your family and hating yourself for lying to them I have hid cutting from them for six and a half years. My faith has helped me a great deal. The grace of God is great and thankfully we can not run it out. If you made your life square with God and square with yourself you are forgiven. The feelings come up but ignore them your past is as far as the east is from the west. I also understand the feeling that suicide is the best option I have trident twice and it will haunt you forever. for yourself do not try for the chance that you fail.
God bless

I believe you need to tell your parents about what you did. You need counseling in order to make sure you do not reoffend. I personally don't think your sister should be told because it will not only ruin your relationship with her but she will be traumatized by it. It's a good sign that you are regretful over what happened and you have to work hard to make sure you do not turn into a man who abuses young girls. Stay away from pornography at all costs. If you tell no one about what you did it will eat away at you and cause you to do harm to yourself. Please get the help you need. Cynthia

Oh, and check out the post by a victim of molestation I found online. Please get help for yourself
Edited by mod ads on page and contains material that may be inflammatory

It takes a lot to be honest with yourself, to look into your past and admit where you went wrong, and then to decide to change it. It also takes a lot of courage to confess to other people the things you've done wrong. Good on you, it's great to see that you value your future more then trying to keep your past covered.

I agree with the posters who have already mentioned therapy. You might find that for you, the best therapist could be found through your church.

As another believer, I also think that you should pray about talking to your parents and sister. I personally think it's almost always best to get everything out in the open. Regardless of if your sister does or doesn't remember, there's a good chance that she is being effected by it. I recently started re-reading old journal entries I made years ago, and in one of them I wrote 'What is wrong with me? It's not like I was abused or anything like that!" Two months later I finally got my first memories back and understood many of the issues I was having.

Perhaps you could consider telling a parent first, or both parents, and then when you tell your sister they've had a chance to get past the shock so they can be there for her.

Imagine yourself as the victim. I think you would not want to find out, right? If you tell, it will probably have devastating effects on your sister and your parents. You might have the fantasy now that once they know, they will forgive you, and your remorse will be absolved. You cannot undo what you have done. You will always feel remorse for it. It may fade as years go by, but you can't uproot it by telling. Instead, you will compound your remorse by seeing how your family is hurt by the revelation. I think the most honorable thing you can do is to accept the remorse yourself and let your family live in blissful ignorance, rather than make them share it. Telling them, in the hope that it will relieve you, would be selfish.

There may be an alternative. Be the best brother you can be. If she needs someone to talk to and you are busy, stop what you're doing and listen. Put her needs ahead of your own. Don't make it so obvious that she gets suspicious, but be loyal. If she says that you are a great brother, you might feel like a fraud, but try to think of it mathematically. Infinite positive plus infinite negative equals zero. In other words, breaking even. You will never feel like you have completely undone the damage, but any good thing you do will tip the balance at least a little. At times you may feel like nothing you do can be enough: you would be right, the guilt is permanent. It might fade as time goes by, and you can help it do that by using your time the best you can to grow.

I would be wary about using your church for counseling. They personally know your family! They may be judgmental, and I assume they're used to hearing about grief over lost loved ones, remorse over little things, worry about finances or health, nothing like this. I wouldn't go to anybody in your family's community. A professional therapist might be a good idea, since they are bound by professional ethics, and if they violate your trust you can sue them and request that their license be revoked.

You do need to do something. Study Tai Chi or some other meditation, whatever it takes to keep you calm, and make you appear healthy, to get you by for now. If your family see you in distress, it will trouble them, and make it hard to keep secret. It might reach the point where you no longer have a choice and the truth comes out. Try to get a grip on yourself now, and make it through the next few years. Later you can get older, move out, pay your own bills, and see a therapist (or church counselor farther from home) without your family knowing.

My2cents wrote:Imagine yourself as the victim. I think you would not want to find out, right?

I personally would prefer to know what happened to me. Just before I started regaining memories, I hated myself because of the pain I was going through when I could find no source for it.

My2cents wrote:If you tell, it will probably have devastating effects on your sister and your parents.

Of course it will devastate them. But it might be something your sister needs to understand herself and heal, in which case it would be better for her (long-term) to know. I don't know for sure whats best in your situation.

My2cents wrote:You cannot undo what you have done. You will always feel remorse for it. It may fade as years go by, but you can't uproot it by telling. Instead, you will compound your remorse by seeing how your family is hurt by the revelation.

Very true, the pain your family will go through will hurt you too. The pain of not telling will also hurt you.

I think the first step is to seek therapy. Find someone unbiased, outside of the situation who you can be honest and open with regularly, and who can help you through this.

My2cents wrote:I would be wary about using your church for counseling. They personally know your family! They may be judgmental, and I assume they're used to hearing about grief over lost loved ones, remorse over little things, worry about finances or health, nothing like this. I wouldn't go to anybody in your family's community. A professional therapist might be a good idea, since they are bound by professional ethics, and if they violate your trust you can sue them and request that their license be revoked.

There are professional therapists in churches. Pastors are bound by a code of ethics. But My2cents has a good point about how someone in your family's church may not be the best person to go to. I simply suggested it because a lot of churches offer free therapy, and that's often a reason people do not get into therapy.

pheonixrise wrote:Find someone unbiased, outside of the situation who you can be honest and open with regularly, and who can help you through this.

A person who is suffering from a cognitive dysfunction is hardly the best advisor, and if he on top of it all has personal motivations from making you feel like there is something wrong with you that cannot be fixed but that you have to continually focus on, making you feel like a sinner who's only way out of eternal torture is to talk to an invisible friend who never answers because he doesn't exist...

pheonixrise wrote:I simply suggested it because a lot of churches offer free therapy, and that's often a reason people do not get into therapy.

Yes. No hidden motives there.
You go to a church, you seek out their professional, ethics-bound therapy, and casually drop that you're a muslim or atheist.

Let's not turn this into a debate about religion guys please.

Thanks.

Cracked