i sexually abused and i want to die

@GinaSmith. I honestly do not have any issues in my life nor I am depressed. I am just unhappy and sad about what I did, and seriously want to do something that will give her so much happiness in her life that she forgets everything that she ever went through. The fact that the I was so close to her and she used to trust me the most hurts me more. Trust me, I am not a depressed person. I behave very normal. Its just the guilt that kills me from inside.

@Lonelyrider. No matter what you call it, what i did was wrong. Agreed that I am someone's brother, someone's son, someone's friend, but abused someone sexually too. I have always been a very good person all my life and I cannot believe what I did and that is making me feel sad. I cant get over the fact that i sexually abused her till I see my cousin being really happy.

@pheonixrise
""you could go back and see your family and ask one of them how she's doing""
I spoke to my cousin's sister a few months ago and she asked me if I knew why my cousin was so disturbed and depressed (as far as i know,everyone in our family thinks that we still are very close and they don't know anything that happened between us). She also told me that my cousin would get angry if my name ever cropped up in their conversation.

"" If people give her a hard time about it, then you can tell them not to, if they want to know why you can either tell them or you can say it's her choice to tell them""
Unfortunately, we both come from a family that are very closed minded. If they knew what happened between us, they would start cursing my cousin asking why she was so close to me(In our society, a girl is always considered to be at fault). I dont want this to happen for I have already given her so many troubles and do not want to add more sorrow to her life.

""As far as your family goes, I bet they are missing you heaps""
They must be missing me, but in the last 3 years, I have sort of, made them feel that I was selfish and would only care about myself. I have helped my siblings, family whenever they needed any, but I had never let them know that I was doing anything for them(I would always say that my friend or my brother did it, but would not accept that I did it). They have started thinking that I am very busy making my own career that I hardly have time for anyone and therefore they do not talk to me often.

All I want is my cousin's happiness, her well being and want to do every bit to make sure that it happens.

Yes it was wrong. But you should never define yourself as a sexual abuser. If you were a sexual abuser, you would sexual abuse someone all the time, every day.

I hope you understand why it is important to define yourself based on what you really are.

You say that you always have been a nice person. What does that tell you? It tells me that you are a very nice person. Your conscience also confirms that.

How many percent of your life have you done bad things to others, and how many percent have you been good? Is it 90% good, and 10% bad? 95% good or 5% bad?

Everyone makes mistakes!

I do not know how many times I have been good or bad in terms of mere percentage. But I have always tried to be good to every one. Even the ones that are bad to me. Because I believe that being good to someone who is bad to you is the best revenge you can take, as nothing humiliates them more..

I do not know the definition of a sexual abuser, but after the night of the incident, my cousin told me that I was nothing less than a sexual abuser and a rapist. She also told me that it was not just that night that she felt that she was being sexually abused but I had done that for a while(I did not do anything to her that I think was sexual unless you think holding your sister's hand or giving a friendly hug is a sexual abuse).

I have done nothing to her with any bad intentions and I would think million times before I would do anything that would hurt her. Its been 3 years and I have yet not figured out why that incident ever occured. If I touch any of my friends who are female, I get scared thinking that I may be sexually abusing them and try keeping a distance from them.

I know that everyone makes mistakes but a crime is not a mistake!

sexualabuser wrote:I believe that being good to someone who is bad to you is the best revenge you can take, as nothing humiliates them more..

That's a pitiful attitude to take. I think even being violent towards someone is better than this. You should learn the art of forgiveness, which ultimately is much healthier for all concerned. Then turn that forgiveness in on yourself. I can't pretend to understand your situation in full, but it sounds to me like it's forgiveness that is missing from your life. (I say that as an atheist, by the way.)

sexualabuser wrote:I do not know the definition of a sexual abuser, but after the night of the incident, my cousin told me that I was nothing less than a sexual abuser and a rapist. She also told me that it was not just that night that she felt that she was being sexually abused but I had done that for a while(I did not do anything to her that I think was sexual unless you think holding your sister's hand or giving a friendly hug is a sexual abuse).

So is she your cousin or your sister?

I did a quick calculation. Out of your whole life, you've messed up sexually once. That means you've messed up for 0.01% of your life, and been good the remaining 99.9%

A sexual abuser is someone who abuses their power over someone else, sexually. A rapist is someone who inserts parts of their body into someone else's. You didn't do either. What you did was inappropriate, but you know that already and have since the night you did it.

@pheonixrise.Exactly, I did something inappropriate and am being punished for it. I have no qualms about it. What I want to know, was apart from the already given suggestions, are there ampny others, that i could work on to bring happiness in my cousin's life. All I want is to make everything alright for her.
Put it this way, till I confirm that my cousin is living a happy and normal life, I cannot move on.

@ginasmith. You sort of took my phrase in a wrong way. All I meant was, you do good to everyone which is basically forgiving them even if they were bad to you. I remind myself of that phrase, if my mind ever tells me to do something bad just because the other person has been bad to me. I am very peaceful person and I do believe in forgiveness. I cannot forgive myself for what I did because what I did was a crime, rather than a mistake.

I'm giving you a little bit of a hard time, so I apologise for that. I do think how you mend things with your cousin depends a lot on her. If she feels the best thing you can do is leave her alone, then that might be the thing to do. Not an ideal solution for you, but it's a two-way process.

Still, I do feel you're beating yourself up about it a lot, and as long as you do so you won't be giving off vibes of peace, and people pick up on that. She'll be a lot less likely to want to resume contact with you if you exude negativity. I would take this time while she's still not talking to you to give her the space she needs and work on forgiving yourself and moving forward, so that if and when she's ready to make peace with you everybody will be in a much calmer place about the whole issue. Does that make sense?

@Gina Smith. I am not really worried if my cousin wants to talk to me anymore or not. I am more worried about her happiness. Her future, her behavior, her being normal. Because I would assume that after that incident, she may lose trust in every one, she may have hard time getting along with my other cousins(she may suspect that every one bad).

I just want her to have great life and if that means that I never get to see her or any of my family members, so be it. But I am unsure whether or not ignoring my family would make any difference to her!

sometimes we do bad things to people, does not make us a bad person for the rest of out lives. As human we live and grow everyday, we are not the same persons we were when young. I have been hurt in the past and I have hurt others in the past. That is just life.
I would just leave your cousin alone, your probably more worried about it than she is, it is not like you beat and raped her. When I was young with a couple of cousins we showed each other what we look like naked, It is just part of growing up as kids.
There are things we do that haunt us all our lives, but so what. Instead of killing yourself as punishment go out and do some good in the world, donate to victoms of abuse organization, volunteer at a homeless shelter, turn something bad into something good instead of sitting there in self pity.

@Jeffrey, I have been donating on and off. I do not get time to volunteer as I have to study and work, but I would be volunteering once I finish my studies. I have been helping every one(the good and the bad) ever since that incident thinking that although I cant undo what I did, I can help making other people's lives better. But at the same time, what haunts me is the fact that I cant do anything to make my cousin's life better.