i sexually abused and i want to die

I was 19 and my cousin was 17 then. She was very close to me and would share almost everything with me. I used to stay overseas for my education and would visit my family once a year or two. When I went back home to visit my family and attend a marriage ceremony, I used to stay most of the time with my cousin. I would occasionally hug her(just a brotherly hug) but that was all. I would, most of the times sleep holding her hand as that sort of made me feel good and she did not mind that either. I dont know how, but in a span of around 15 days, I got so close to her that I almost started to think that she wants me. Then one day, while I was asleep holding her hand, I accidentally ended placing my hand on her tummy while she was asleep. I then started rubbing my hand over her tummy and slowly started inclining my hand towards her upper body. She woke up suddenly and started asking me what I was doing and why I was doing it. I had no clue why I ever did that, but all I knew was that I did it and it was wrong. I thought that she knew what was happening as she placed my hand on her tummy, but I was told later that she did not do anything of such sort. I then thought she may have done it by accident. I was to leave back for my studies the next day. I apologised and begged for forgiveness all night, but I knew that what I did is unforgivable. I tried slitting my wrists the next day, but did not have the courage to do it. I spoiled her life and she probably would never trust her siblings(even the good ones). When I was at the airport, I called her up several times, trying to explain her the situation but that did not make any difference. I then called her back after a few days and asked her what could I do to make things alright for her and she said that she wanted me to die. I so wanted to die, but my brother had taken debts for my studies and I promised him that I would repay him. I also lost my father when I was one and thought that it would be unfair and selfish of me to leave my mother all alone.So, I decided to live only until I repay my debts and until my mum is alive. I then decided that while I am alive, I will at least save one life. I decided to consult a doctor/organisation and talk to them about donating a kidney, but I did not have the guts to tell them why I was denying it. I was then told that I could only donate it to a family member or a close friend. So, I had no option but to give up thinking about donating. Its been nearly 3 years since that incident has happened and I never spoke to my cousin since then as she did not want to talk to me at all.I was not religious at all till this incident occurred but since then I would visit the prayer hall very often and would confess for what I have done. I have not been in constant touch with my family and her family since that incident occurred as I wanted her to feel that I am dead and I dont exist. I weep, waking up in the middle of the night and think why I ever did that to such a sweet person. I want to die, but I cant because I need to fulfill my promises and responsibilities. I will kill myself after I do that, but till then, is there anything that I could do that would solace her. I know that she hates me and would hate me forever because I have hurt her, but is there anything that I could do, while I am alive, to make her life normal. If I am feeling so bad and cannot forget the incident even after three years, I can imagine the emotions, the hardship that she must be going through. I am going through hell but I deserve it, but my cousin doesn't.

What should I do?

You need to be in therapy. You've been beating yourself up now for years, and you need to deal with this.

I don't really need therapy as I am not depressed, I am just sad. Furthermore, I am least bothered about what I do in my life. All I want is, bring my cousin's happiness back. Make her feel that this world is just not made of perverts like me. Make her feel happy and confident that I won't escape the punishment I deserve.

Well then find a therapist who can help you work out what the best way of helping your cousin is. I don't know what to suggest for that at all. And anyone who is suicidal needs to be in therapy. Also, before you say that you deserve it - many suicidal people believe they deserve death, that their families deserve to not have to 'put up with' them, that they deserve punishment for all sorts of things.

Thanks for your suggestion. Will see a therapist soon and keep you posted. I want to die, not because I think people don't love me or I am putting any burden on my family. Its in our blood to feel happy about seeing someone suffering who has hurt you in the past.. I am considering dying because it may help my cousin to get out of depresion.

I can almost guarantee you that it won't make her feel much, if at all, happier when you die. The man who caused my husband to be abused died only a year or two ago - doesn't change where my husband is on his road to getting better, doesn't change that he is depressed. You can't undo that action by doing another one. Your cousin is the person who needs to get herself better if she's still having any problems from this.

Well, my cousin was the one who told me that she wanted me to die and only that would make things alright for her. I wish I could call her up now(I didn't speak to her for 3 years) and apologise to her again and ask her what I could do that she would forgive me. As said earlier, it was more of an accident. I never even imagined that I would do anything of this sort to her. I'm not calling her up because it may bring back those bad memories. But, is there a way to find out if she is fine, without calling her up?

I have not seen my family in the last three years and I miss home alot. But I don't want to go back home till she is comfortable with me being home for 2 weeks(my cousin does not stay with my family, but her family lives very close to where we live and the chances are that I will be seeing her if I go back).

Also, there were times a few girls liked me,but I never went out with any of them because I feel that I would be betraying them if i don't tell them what happened and I may not live for too long.
I don't know how but I want to get the answers for all my questions from my cousin because only she knows what she is going through.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people would say they want their abuser to die. Whether she knows it or not, you being dead won't actually make her feel better. It won't speed up her getting better, nor slow it down.

You could send her an email, or you could go back and see your family and ask one of them how she's doing. This is another reason for being in therapy - your therapist can ask you lots of questions that I wouldn't think to ask and help you make your next move in relation to your cousin.

If you do decide to contact her directly, I suggest doing it via email or text message and to do it once and then wait. Allow her to reply if she wants, and not to if she doesn't want to. For that reason, if you do contact her, take a good amount of time to think about what you want to say, and write and re-write until everything you want to say to her and ask her is in there.

As far as your family goes, I bet they are missing you heaps. There's nothing wrong with you going home. If she's not comfortable being in the house with you there, then she can invite people to see her instead of coming over. You could stay in your room when she's around if you wanted to. If people give her a hard time about it, then you can tell them not to, if they want to know why you can either tell them or you can say it's her choice to tell them.

As said earlier, it was more of an accident.

I'm glad that you can see that. You didn't set out to hurt her. You did mess up, and you quite obviously know that. I'm not in any way trying to justify what you did, but in every post in this thread I can see how upset and even horrified you are at yourself. You have punished yourself for 3 years so far, allowing yourself life only to fulfill promises you have made.

Will see a therapist soon and keep you posted.

Glad to read this - both that you are going to get therapy, and that you'll keep me posted. I really hope that your cousin is doing well in life now, and that you can take steps towards a healthier life for yourself.

Hi,

you are NOT a sexual abuser. You did something wrong sexually, but you are not a sexual abuser. I don't know much about you, but you have to think about yourself as a son, as a brother, as a friend, and many other things that you really are.

Stop looking at yourself as a sexual abuser.

From your description I think what you did to your cousin should be the least of your concerns. So you felt her up, so what? She'll get over it. It's not like you raped her or touched her down below. It's natural for her to be angry and she may well hold a grudge, but seriously (and I mean this as constructive): it's all the other stuff you say that worries me. You come across as someone with serious issues, and those issues need addressed. Based purely on what I've read here, your response to what happened seems totally out of proportion to the reality of it. I mean well when I say get yourself some help. Best of luck!