i sexually abused and i want to die

I'm curious to know what culture you and your cousin have grown up with, if you don't mind sharing.

sexualabuser wrote:But at the same time, what haunts me is the fact that I cant do anything to make my cousin's life better.

You need to let go. You're making nobody's life better the way things stand.

I have been trying to let it go, but I have not been able to do so. I forget it for a few days and out of nowhere those bad memories start cropping up again.

sexualabuser wrote:I have been trying to let it go, but I have not been able to do so. I forget it for a few days and out of nowhere those bad memories start cropping up again.

That's why I suggested looking for help. I mean that in the most constructive way, because after all you cannot change the past by ruminating endlessly on it. We all have to learn to live with the legacy we have inherited from our past behaviour. Given that you can't change it, you can either let it eat you up or deal with it positively. Personally I would recommend the latter. Negativity, stress and worry are responses to situations - you can train yourself (through therapy, meditation, NLP, or force of habit) to respond in a more positive way to this and other challenges.

I think you didn´t sexually abuse your cousin. She was not a child, you were 19 and she was 17, your age difference is only two years. From what you wrote I comprehend that you touched her on the tummy and breasts. That´s not such a big deal, although I understand it was a shock for her. But you didn´t assault her or something. Yes, you shoudln´t have done it but sometimes such things happen between young people even if they are cousins. There´s no need to kill yourself for it. Let your cousin know you are sorry. I know that´s what you have already done. Hopefully, maybe one day she will forgive you. She knows how much you are sorry, doesn´t she? Just be careful not to do it again.

I think maybe she is overexaggerating a little. You touched her tummy, and attempted to touch further up.. Yes, this could be counted as 'sexual abuse' but you are definately not a sexual abuser, nor is this anything more than mild sexual abuse because it was an unwanted touch.
This is coming from someone who was sexually abused by their father so I do know what I am talking about, but I think maybe she's just more freaked out about how else to be with you, so maybe her being angry is her way of in her eyes protecting herself because having you think she's furious at you, hates you etc means you won't be able to get close again and have that cuddly friendly relationship you had before, which maybe she thinks will lead to what happened, happening again.

Also, I definately disagree that the best revenge is to be good to someone who was bad to you. Say you were advising me, my whole life I was emotionally/physically/sexually abused by my father, do you really think as revenge I should be good to him? No way. It's different for each situation, but in an abusive one I certainly would not say that's the best revenge, just saying!...

Finally, I don't think you have depression or anything, but you need to someway or another address the fact that you are living with a ton of shame and guilt. Yes, you might not be depressed, but this can be enough for therapy alone. My best friend killed herself and I held so so much guilt for it, and having that much guilt is not healthy for you and you need to find a way to release it so you can live normally again!

@Ginasmith. I will try meditation and let you know if there is a change. thanks fr taking the time to reply.

@Rainbow_Sunshine. I hope things be fine after a while. I don't know if she knows how sorry because I did not speak to her for nearly three years as she does not want to talk to me.

@carpediem46. I am sorry to hear what your father did you. My phrase was more like a general case. For what you have gone through, you cannot obviously be good to your dad. Also, my cousin has every right to be angry, but I would not even dare hold her again, let alone repeat what I did. I feel guilty, I still do not know why I did that to her. I never would want to do anything that would hurt her. I sort of felt like an evil force that I could not control for a few minutes and that resulted in a disaster. Noway am I justifying what I did for it was wrong, but I am just trying to explain how it all happend.

I have just sent her a sms (after years) telling her how sorry/guilty I am and asking her if things are fine with her. I hope she replies, but the chances are that she wont. I also hope that someone in our family does not read that text even by accident.

I will keep you all posted. Thanks to all of you for your valuable suggestions. I feel a bit relaxed now after getting this off my chest after 3 years but more stressed now thinking what if she doesn't reply. If she does not reply, then I guess I have screwed it up more..

Fingers crossed.

That's okay, I was just making the point that in abuse situations, I wouldn't say it's the best revenge. Not for me or your cousin most likely! She does have a right to be angry, as I can see how it would be confusing for her, but what I'm saying is from her point of view, her anger is a way of keeping distance because she may not know how is okay to act with you now if you see what I mean. Even if you never would, she won't know that for sure.
I hope she replies and you're able to sort this out, it would be a shame if she could not forgive you.. Let us know

@carpediem46..hhmm..i understand now why my cousin would still not talk to me. As for the text, she hasnt replied and I dont think she will. it just tells me that she is still angry about what happened 3 years ago. I guess I will just have to leave her alone for she will never forgive me! I will only talk to my family/cousins once in a while just to make sure everything is fine back home. As far as returning to my home, I dont think I would ever go back home. I am not sad or depressed. I am just being practical because that seems to be the only way I can help my cousin.