3 Years Ago (past-abuser) relatively long article

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, a girl invited me into the bathroom with her. I don't recall seeing her genitalia, but I was interested to see the physical differences. Around 7, my little brother discovered my little sister as a tool for practicing CPR. I found it interesting, but some part of me wasn't fully comfortable.

13 years old. I had recently discovered masturbation. I had a girlfriend, but I hadn't even thought of sexually engaging with her. I was watching pornography regularly. My brother was 10 and my sister was 7.

It started when I paid my sister pocket change to undress. I knew it was wrong, but my sexual desire was stronger. For a period of 2-3 months, I would ask my sister to undress. I would then masturbate, and afterward, often feel mild regret. I taught myself to french kiss on my little sister.

During those 2-3 months, I asked my little brother to use my sister in a similar fashion, but I don't think he had any sexual interest. Because my little brother had no libido and would rather play games like tag, I felt pressured not to continue. If I'm correct, it all ended when I pulled out an erection on my sister and asked her to engage like normal. Instead, she ran away, and afraid that she would tell my mother, I stopped abusing her.

One to two months later, my mother asked me to talk. She said that my sister came crying to her, saying that my little brother had asked my sister to sexually engage (as I had showed him). She was angry. I firmly denied that I had done anything, before having to admit. She talked all of us, saying never do anything of the sort again, and to realize it was wrong. Afterward, I came to hate myself for what I had done.

I wanted to start over, to not make that mistake over such a temporary desire. It simply isn't possible. I'm stuck with memories I never wanted to have, memories that repulse me, sometimes outrage me. I wish I was punished for what I did, beyond the memories. I am 16 now, my brother 13, and my sister is 10.

I can rarely look her in the eye, and whenever we talk, it's not long before I'm overridden with feelings of guilt and aversion. I can't tell what she is thinking, but I feel AWFUL. I can't imagine how much her life has been changed. I just went to an interview for counseling, and she and my little brother haven't asked for someone to talk to. I want to know how to make things better, or if I should ever approach her about it. I don't want to make this topic entirely about me, but it's extremely hard to express to people that I did it AND that I wish I hadn't more than anything. I've searched on the internet, and I can't find anyone who has abused and regrets it, or isn't a pedophile. I don't find children sexually appealing, but some thoughts are extremely hard to suppress. I don't expect to ever be understood. I don't ever want to be forgiven.

Please help me out, or tell me how to help my sister.

The first step is one you have made, which is posting here about what you have done and admitting to it and acknowledging it. I am glad you are going to see a counsellor. In time maybe your sister will as well. You have to help yourself before you can do anything else and that means therapy. You are still a kid yourself and need to get this sorted so it does not haunt your whole life.

Cracked

I'm glad you're going to talk to a counselor. You could tell your mother that your brother and sister should talk to someone too, that it's really affecting you and she shouldn't ignore what it might be doing to your siblings.
You can't change the past but you can try to get your sister help now. No, don't approach her about it, I don't know if she's at the right age for that.

Hi,
Maybe an idea would be to tell your mum of your strong feelings of guilt, the way you feel so much remorse towards your sister etc etc and then leave it in her hands to approach your sister with this info and see if she then feels the need to get help or counselling or sort this through with you. Abuse affects every person in different ways so who knows if your sister is still suffering or if the abuse is now just a fleeting memory of a 'childish' moment that occured. You dont want to stir up feelings in her in the case that she doesnt have any long term affect and you then cause it by telling her of the abuse and how you feel, so it may be better to just talk to your mum about it so she can approach your sister in a sensitive way. And if you cant talk about it, then write it in a letter instead.
xOx

Hi. I just joined the forum today, actually looking for something exactly like this post. It's not easy to find people like you who are willing and brave enough to come forward with these types of experiences. I also have something similar in my past, and I completely understand how gut-wrenching it is to deal with. Knowing that you have hurt or affected someone that you love is a very difficult thing to cope with, and can take years to come to terms with and move on from. But I want you to know that it is possible and that, with time and distance, it will get easier for you. It's been more than a decade since my last incident (which involved my step-sister, five years my junior). I still think about what I did every day, and sometimes I get sucked back into the pit of self-flagellation and despair, believing that the only thing I'm worthy of is more punishment; more shame - but I have started to think lately, 'What am I doing for myself, for her, or for the world at large by continuing to live in this perpetual state of shame and guilt, constantly undercutting myself?' You are so young and have so much to offer the world that will be completely hampered by living inside of those negative emotions. Because you're right - you can't change the past, and what's done is done. But the virtue of mistakes is that we can learn from them - and it seems obvious to me that you have learned from yours. In many ways, that can actually serve you and make you an even more compassionate, loving, and understanding person than you were before. The best way you can serve your sister and improve her life is by trying to be happy yourself - being there for her now in a positive, constructive way. And I absolutely don't mean to forget what happened, act like it never happened, or anything like that. That would serve no one. But the punishment that you have inflicted and continue to inflict on yourself is equal to or worse than anything someone else could dole out. Believe me, I know. We can certainly live in air-tight prisons of our own design. Me writing this is also somewhat self-therapeutic, as I continue to deal with and try to understand my younger self's actions. There is so much, however, that I will never understand - so I'm trying to live my life to the fullest and be a compassionate person, because to honor life is, I believe, the greatest atonement we can offer. When the time does come to talk to your sister about what happened, you will be able to approach the situation with compassion and sincerity - have faith. The human capacity for love and forgiveness knows no bounds, if it is desired in earnest. I truly believe that. I am not religious myself, but I do believe in the idea of being born again. I think it's possible for everyone. This does not have to dictate the rest of your life - don't let it. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes we do terrible things that we wish desperately to take back. But please, try to live your life in a constructive, positive way. You deserve that, despite what you may be feeling right now. Then you can truly start to heal, and help your sister to heal, as well.

Are you having any professional help with this woodsprite?

Cracked

Cracked -

I have never talked to anyone (seriously - anyone) about this, which is why I'm so glad I've found this forum. As the distance between that time and this time gets further and further, maybe I'm just more able to compartmentalize the events and keep it separate from my day-to-day life. I've been to therapy and had other therapeutic treatments for other things that have happened in my past, but I've never brought this up - I've been too scared and ashamed. I'm terrified of the way that it would make me seem in other people's eyes, even though I know everything with a therapist is confidential, etc. I brought it up briefly to my sister several months back when she was staying at my apartment for the weekend and we were talking - I said that I felt so terribly and could she ever forgive me, though it was incredibly hard for me to talk about and I probably jumbled my words a little bit. We have a pretty close/open relationship, but we don't see each other much because she's in college now and we live in different cities. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Oh, god, you're the ONLY one who still thinks about that.' Because what made the final incident the final incident (thankfully) was that she involved our parents (her mom and my dad). This is actually like a whole separate post that I should make, but essentially, from the time I was eleven or twelve or so, we used to play 'honeymoon' and we would kiss. Then when I was fourteen and a freshman in high school, I decided to go live with them for a year in a different city (I had always lived with my mom until then) - nothing happened that whole year, but I had been talking to this boy on the internet that I met the summer previous, and he was kind of exciting me sexually, which was a new sensation for me involving an actual person that I could tell was attracted to me, so one morning when my sister and I had slept in the game room together, I woke up and pretended to be having a dream. I think I put her hand on my breast and said for her to lick it or something (this is really, really hard to type). Anyway, she didn't - she 'woke me up' and said she was going to tell our parents. I begged her not to and told her it was only a dream - said that I would do anything she said if she didn't tell them. Obviously, that didn't last long, and our parents became involved. But to this day, they still believe that I was dreaming. Or maybe they don't, I don't know. Anyway, sorry! I know this is someone else's post, and I should have just made my own, but in answer to your question...no. I am not currently in therapy for this, though I know I ought to be. Little by little, I've been trying to get right with myself. It's been a long struggle of being able to trust myself as a good person and for years and years it obviously made me question a lot of things about myself. Anyway, thank you if you read this, and sorry again to post it on someone else's post.

Thank you for being so honest. I really think if you could manage to talk to a therapist about this it would help relieve the burden you are feeling. I am thinking of you and I hope you can find the courage to talk to someone about this.

Cracked

Hey guys... Ive had the same thing happen...I have never talked to anyone about this and even writing it makes me feel badI am 21 and female when I was between 9-11 I made my two half brothers do sexual stuff with me like touch me inappropriately.. I have no idea why I did it and I wish I did know but I do know that around the same time my cousins had been raped by my uncle but im unsure if i knew this at the time and I have a really messed up family history of incest and rape..also I had a friend who introduced me to masturbation around the time...Im unsure if this played a part but im constantly trying to figure out why I did it and what made me even think about doing it.When I was about 10 its like I started having sexual urges from hearing my parents having sex and i knew it was wrong to do what I did but the urge was too strong until I actually freaked out thinking what if i got pregnant is when I stopped even though we weren't actually having sex at that age it is what I had believed it to be..I know that one of my brother still remembers what happened as i went to visit around 4 years ago and he called me a rapist i just quickly walked away as i got scared but im unsure if the other one knows what happened.I dont see them much but the one i think knows I have written an email saying how sorry I am for hurting him but didnt really go into depth of what had happened...the other one doesnt have an email or phone so i guess i am waiting for the right time when i see him next to apologize..I feel so guilty about what i did and feel responsible for anything bad that happens to them in their life...I have come to accept what has happened but i still think about it sometimes wondering if there is some kind of suppressed memory i have of seeing sexual abuse that made me do what i did...I dont believe that as young and innocent as I was that I just came up with the idea from nowhere..Im scared to talk to anyone about this because im scared everyone will hate me and think im disgusting and see me as that person instead of who i am..anyways i still hang out with my brothers when i visit but one more than the other but have never brought up what happened.I am now 21 and they are 16 and 19...my biggest fear is that this trauma is going to have a very bad effect on their lives and i feel hugely responsible..all i want is them to be happy and live good lives not let the trauma ruin them....i wish it never happened but it did and im glad i can relate to someone about this because the one day i did go to talk about this noone was there and since then i have had a huge urge to tell somebody about his

Hi All, I am moving this to the remorse section of the forum.

Cracked