Shameful Cousin

This is my first time coming out about what I did. I have felt guilty and remorseful since it happened, and reading on the forums made me realize I should get help.

When I was around 13-15 years old (I think 14, can't remember exactly) I sexually abused my female younger cousin. She is 7 years younger than I am. We were about to go somewhere and an older family member asked me to make sure she used the restroom. I went in with her and watched her pee, and then touched her genital area with my hands pretending to clean her while my pants were down and my genital area was exposed. I also orally touched her breasts.

On a seperate occasion within a week of the first, I was playing a game with her where she closed her eyes and would guess which item I wrapped in a cloth and handed her. Well one of the items I handed her was my "item". She laughed it off, called me gross, and went on with her day.

After that week, I never did anything like that to anyone in my life.
It has been 5-6 years since then, I'm turning 20 in a couple days and she is turning 13 later this month, and I can't help but feel like I've ruined my life and my cousin's life. There hasn't been a day in the past 5-6 years that I haven't thought about and felt remorse, shame, and guilt for what I did. Our families are really close and my aunt and uncle are almost like a mom and dad to me. Her older brother is like a brother to me. And my younger sister is like a sister to her. In fact, my cousin is like a little sister to me, and I can't believe what I did. We have been together on many family occasions and see saw each other at least 2 times a month during the year, and alot more during the summer. I have never even thought of doing anything to her, but I always remember what I did and I want to beat myself to a pulp. I don't even know if she remembers what I did to her. I torture myself everyday by reminding myself what I did, and what the consequences could be for my cousin.

I've read all about the Psychological, emotional, physical, and social effects of child abuse, including depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, poor self-esteem, dissociative and anxiety disorders; general psychological distress and disorders such as somatization, neurosis, chronic pain, sexualized behavior, school/learning problems; and behavior problems including substance abuse, self-destructive behaviour, animal cruelty, crime in adulthood and suicide.

I'm afraid that my cousin may have these problems in her life, and I know it will be my fault. I once caught her playing naked with my younger sister. It was my cousin's idea to take their clothes off, but I can't remember if this was before or after what I did. I'm assuming it was after because what I did caused her to do this, I don't know if its normal behavior in little girls.

While my cousin is almost a teenager now, I don't know if she has any problems due to my transgression. She is pretty social in school and has friends. She texts her friends constantly and loves Justin Beiber like other girls her age. But she has become increasingly rude and talks back to her mother. She also is starting to act a little more provocative and dress like girls on TV and in Movies. I don't know if this new attitude has to do with the fact that she's a teen and going through a rebellious stage or because of what I did.

I was going through puberty and touching myself a lot in those days, and I can't really say why I did what I did. I know it is unforgiveable, but I don't know how to go on with my life. Should I turn myself in to the police? Should I ever talk to my cousin about what I did? How can I ever lead a normal life and have a wife and kids one day?

You cannot blame yourself for every wrong aspect in her life. If you wish to, talk to her about it. As to her behavior and dress, that is the media's hold on her and influence. Not you. You have to forgive yourself, seek forgiveness perhaps for her if you feel she has been affected currently.

It is wonderful your heart has been opened up to acknowledge this about yourself and seek to do the right thing. You are worthy of being happy if you find the help and closure you need. I am sorry no one has responded to this post and I hope you read this. With love.

-Nanashi-

Dear shameful

Well done for being honest. Have you spoken to anyone professional about this as it might help you clear your mind as to what is the best course of action.

Cracked

Thank you so much for the kind words Nanashi. It means more to me than you'll ever know.
And crackedgirl, I have not seeked professional help. I don't feel like I necessarily have a problem, just committed one act with a lack of judgement in my youth that I cannot move past. I also don't have a lot of money to seek professional help since I'm a college student. Being only 20 years old, having a job, and being a full time student makes it difficult to find time for other things, but its something I think about a lot. I'm too embarassed and ashamed to talk about it with my parents, and I don't think I could ever tell my uncle or aunt. And I don't really WANT to talk to my cousin in the off chance that she doesn't remember it...but I think it would be a hard thing to forget...

Time is a healer. Wait for the right moments and opportunities will come to you. It is best not to leap ahead of your time. I hope you find healing by being here.

-Nanashi-

This is very inspiring to me.. I am like you. I was the same age as you were when I did what I did and up until very very recently I have lived every day feeling like a freak of nature. I have thought about killing myself so many times.. every day is filled with shame and guilt. I spend at least 10+ of my waking hours each day dwelling on what I had done. it was repressed for awhile but recently came back worse than ever, now that I am older (the same age as you) I truly understand what I have done and I can never forgive myself. Maybe I will tell my story sometime soon, but I want to thank you so much for coming forward.

Let go of self and forgive what you did. Clear your heart so that you will be able to move on to seek forgiveness or help others who want to change their ways. Death can never bring the peace you seek. The struggle is part of making your way to healing, no matter how much it may hurt or cripple you. You are loved, despite what you did. You are able to face it, and like I said to Shameful Cousin, that is so amazing to me. Find strength to make what amends you feel you need to. With love.

-Nanashi-

How do you move on. If I could, I would go back and stop myself from doing what I did. But I can only go forward, but what I did is like a impenetrable wall or block. It prevents me from mentally allowing myself to be successfull, and it prevents me from being happy. Evertime something good happens in my life I remember this, and it haunts me and I can never stay happy for a long time. I'm not depressed, I would say that I'm quite normal as far as temperment, but I just wish that I could take back what I did so that I can let go of te regret. How can I let go of my sins, and fix my mistakes?

I don't know if you have a faith but if so this is maybe something you could discuss with a faith leader. If you are Christian there is a book called "Totally forgiving ourselves" by RT Kendall. Apologies if this post is not relevent.

Cracked

Hi,

I have read this post carefully and need help from all of you guyz. I am unmarried male 30 yrs and committed a sin towards my cousin who is 22 yrs old. She was living with me from past few days and everything was going normal. Our families are very close to each other. One night we both were watching movie and there were some horny scene, i got restless and anyhow we completed the movie and tried to sleep which i couldn't. While she was sleeping I touch her private parts (breast only) few times and suddenly she was awaken.She again slept and i didn't do anything further. Next day she left without informing me, i was feeling guilty for my behavior and tried to talk to her. I apologized for my behavior many times as I was feeling deep guilt inside me. Now the situation is she has told everything to her parents and i am worried for our family relations which can be ruined just because of me, I can't revert the time except cursing myself for the that mistake. Please suggest me how to face hers and my family members.What should I do to keep our family relation intact?

I am really ashamed on my act.

Please help me guyz..