How much to disclose towards friends and partners?

I went to a horrible break up last year. My long time partner fell in love with some one else, but he said he wanted to stay with me. Both he and the other woman emotionally abused me while they had a relationship behind my back. My partner gaslighted me for months until he finally left me. I was severely affected by this, since I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent. After months of him telling me what a terrible person I was, I ended up depressed with no self esteem left. When we were „still trying“, my partner and I took drugs together a couple of times. After he had left me, I went to a psych ward, because we lived together and it felt impossible to stay, but there was nowhere to go. It was horrible, so I went back home. In absolute despair, I got drunk, took drugs and begged him to hold me. I then verbally molested him. This had not been my intention on taking drugs, I apologized and went back to the ward, then into a therapy clinic. He kept meeting me and gaslighting me all throughout this, I was always on my knees begging for another chance. I never wanted to cross the line of threatening suicide. I made plans to move and give up all hobbies, friends etc., he said I should stay, how could I just leave everything behind. I said I really didn’t want to leave either, but I felt I was not able to survive here. He wouldn’t understand. I eventually crossed the line and said the only way for me not to take my own life was for him to give me another chance. I felt like $#%^ having said that, after a few days, I told him it was wrong for me to say this and accepted the break up.

In the end he revealed he’d been with her all along and they’d been living in our apartment which I’d still been paying rent for why I was in therapy. My therapy was over though just then, I had to go and live with my toxic parents and look for a job. It was too much at that point. A mutual acquaintance made an untactful remark about the matter and something in me snapped. I never thought my life could ever end in such a mess, I never expected myself to do the things I’ve done. I tried to go on, but the pain – not just about being left by my long term partner, but also about being abused for so long – was so intense I just couldn't bear it anymore and attempted suicide. Dismissed from the hospital, I went no contact with most people and got my $#%^ together. I found a job, moved, made new friends. It was hard, but I got through it.

I’ve really worked on myself, I’ve processed what has happened, I understand how I got there and I’m sure I won’t ever let something like this happen again. I don’t drink or do drugs, I feel stable, have people I can reach out to, I take good care of myself and respect both other people’s boundaries and my own. Dating is not something I’m currently planning to do, but I worry about the possibility of getting into a new relationship at some point in time.

As a matter of fact, I am an abuser. I feel horrible about this. I’ve done things that are no-gos for other people, no matter what the circumstances were. They might cut me off if I told them.

What am I going to say if I meet some one new? Do my current friends and family have to know? I don’t feel like sharing my past, but not all those who are or will ever be close to me deserve to know, so they can make informed decisions?

From my standpoint, lying to someone is already abuse. I’d never kept on pursuing our relationship if my now ex-partner had told me about his feeling for this other woman. Now, not telling something is not the same as lying, but I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding something so significant it could turn someone away from me. My friends tell me to open up about it once I’ve been with a new partner for a while, a year or so. Their reasoning is, if they know me well enough, they’ll understand. But don’t want to „trick“ some one into a relationship by concealing what I have done. Openly stating early on that I have a cross to bear, which includes having done things I regret, but that I probably won’t ever talk about it, feels like the only way to go for me. I they feel the need to ask about matters that are intolerable to them, I’ll answer truthfully. But is that enough?

Hi Victora,

So sorry you went through all that, but very proud of you for digging yourself out of that hole. That alone says more about you than anything else from your past.

As for your question, I don’t think people have to share every terrible thing they’ve done with their partners/friends/family. I think if asked directly about it you shouldn’t lie, but you aren’t obligated to share your story, or your entire story. If it were me, I would share some of it with my life partner without going into every detail, and I think after a year is reasonable as your friends suggested. You should be yourself, but no one talks about all their flaws on a first date. This isn't lying. Literally no one does that so it’s not expected. Give people a chance to get to know who you are now. And if you’ve just met someone you don’t know how serious it will be or how long it will last, so sharing something painful every time you meet someone doesn’t make sense.
My partner and I both have heavy stuff from our past that we shared with each other, but not until about a year or so into the relationship. And it didn’t change how we felt or meant that we tricked each other. We were both ourselves, but waited until we were ready to share something painful from our past.

Finally, overall I think all of this seems much bigger to you than it will to others. I can’t see this changing anyone’s opinion on if they want you in their life or not. And if it does change their opinion, then I question how much they care about you in the first place. It’s who you are now that matters and what you did before is totally forgivable.

Hi, and good morning. I want to congratulate you on your healing journey, as that's not an easy task to complete. I know, as I've been there and still currently here. I've been through some of the same things you've been through. It's great you've weeded out the toxicity in your life and replaced it with healthy things. When you meet someone, you'll know when the times right to disclose things. For now, have a guard up until you're that comfortable letting someone inside your heart, whether friends or romantic wise. Your friend was right about waiting for a period of time before opening-up to people. You never want to give yourself away entirely, when you first meet someone. Get to know them, earn their trust and respect, and see how they treat you over time. If they show you a consistent pattern over time, that's a great thing, but if it's topsy-turvy, it's a warning sight. Even after healing a period of time, the trust issues take serious time to heal. But, when you're around the right people, it slowly heals itself. I'm wishing you all the best! We all deserve happiness!