I raped my girlfriend *trigger warning*

When I was 22 I was in a relationship with a girl in my class for two or three years. It was mostly really great for both of us, but towards the end I became absolutely horrendous with her. Multiple times we had sex when she didn't want to. I wasn't threatening or physically forcing, and I would stop if said no to something, but the bottom line is that I knew she didn't enjoy it. I know that I knew, because it turned me on. This is what makes me the most sick. Afterwards, I would feel really bad and ask her - are you okay? Sorry. And she would smile and pretend everything was okay, but it can't have been.

This went on for maybe six months, on three or four occasions I can think of. There was one occasion where, over texting, I was emotionally blackmailing her into doing sexual favors for me. Nothing that she was doing right then, more making her promise things later. The power turned me on, and I masturbated. After I came, I felt horrible and immediately told her to forget it - please forget it, I shouldn't have asked you those things.

The relationship kind of imploded over this and other things, and we broke up. During a conversation shortly afterwards, I copped to my behavior with her and apologized. I wish I had just had the courage to say "I raped you and I am so ######6 sorry", but the farthest I could get was referencing the time I'd tried to blackmail her and say "that was practically an attempted rape", apologizing again. She seemed to forgive me. But I understand that this is very common among rape survivors. I remember her being friendly to me a few times when we hung out, either alone or with other people, afterwards. We stopped talking after a few weeks or so, just drifted apart.

I felt horrible for months. All I could think about was what people would think if they knew - not fear of being found out, just horror at the thought that I didn't deserve any of the love or kindness I was receiving. Anytime anyone even smiled at me, I felt fake and guilty. All of this is deserved, obviously. I sincerely wish that I could just take all of the pain I caused her and feel it for her instead, if it would erase what I did.

I don't think I've intentionally hurt anyone else in my entire life. I can't believe I was capable of this. I feel that what I did is much worse than any other story I've read on this forum. I was not abused as a child, I was not a child myself, and I didn't "think" she consented. I knew I was hurting her.

Eventually I managed to move on, not that I never thought about it but I was able to be happy and live a normal life for about ten years. Last week, for some reason I started thinking about this again. I've been thinking a lot about how deeply horrible it was, and how all of the love that I receive from my friends and my mom is basically conditional on them not knowing the worst thing I ever did.

I have no idea how to get out of this. I can't kill myself because it would destroy my mom. I don't even really want to tell her or turn myself in for the same reason. I'm going to talk to a therapist about this in a few days.

I am so sorry that this post is so self-pitying. I'm not looking for anyone to minimize what I did. I'm so ######6 sorry. Right now, all I really want is for someone to know what I did, and still think of me as a person.

Hello, and welcome!

Well, I believe I've read similar stories that center around having pressured, bullied, etc for sex.

Well.

Not sure what the legal definition of rape is and it probably varies from place to place. I'll be generous and say you were an absolute ass, but I'm going to stop short of accusing you of the R-word. You're hardly the first to be a manipulative jerk.

I think telling your mom would be a bad idea and actually a bit selfish. Sometimes you hide things from your loved ones to protect them, you know, and you man up and bear that burden yourself.

I do think that you might be surprised about friends and your mom- especially mom, I know few mothers that would so easily lose their love for a child as what you've described. I've had friends that surprised me with the meanness I didn't know they were capable of, but that didn't mean that I automatically turned my back on them.

I'm glad she seems to have forgiven you, but I know for you that's not enough. But I'm afraid it'll have to do.

Yeah, killing yourself is something I don't think you want to do- I mean, I've gone through periods of suicide ideation but unless someone has an actual mood disorder I see most folks that speak of it here as more of a desire to just run away from themselves- and since you can't run away from yourself, I think the desire gets manifested as thinking of killing oneself. Also it's rude, and mean, and selfish, and would destroy your mom as you said, and God knows who else- even perhaps hurt your ex, depending on how she feels about you- you don't get out of this so easy! Escape doesn't equal penance.

I'm glad you're thinking about talking to a therapist. It might be interesting to see what they come up with. Do you still find these sorts of actions to be a turn-on?

Hi Snaga, thank you very much for letting the post stand. I am sort of resigned at this point to living life with the knowledge that everyone I love would hate me if they knew. Maybe that's the true hell of having done something horrendous. I know this is a selfish desire but right now I really need one person in my life who can know what I did but still believe good can exist in me - even if it's a therapist, or someone on the internet. Even if I have to work to earn it. I really hope that a therapist will be willing to speak to me.

Do you still find these sorts of actions to be a turn-on?

In fantasies, sort of - I've been looking at that type of porn (drawings, comics, stories) since I was probably about 13. I feel like it's more out of habit at a certain point than being genuinely turned on by it, it's just what I know to fantasize about to get off. It feels kind of hollow and I find I tend to go towards those fantasies more when I'm depressed or anxious. Masturbation is very joyless for me usually, I just need something to get hard to and I tend to go for taboo things. I've had girlfriends since want to me to play out dominance fantasies with them and I find I don't really like it - it makes me feel lonely, I would rather just have sex with them normally. What I always told myself is that fantasies or porn don't hurt anyone, which I still believe and think there are people who can have these fantasies in a healthy way, but I realized more recently is that it's hurting me. One day last week I went through my hard drive and deleted any porn that had non-consensual aspects to it. I still think there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but I want to try to rebuild my sexuality somewhat. I really think extreme porn became a kind of crutch, and I would like to learn how to just be turned on by just thinking about someone touching me, again.

I truly believe that I would be incapable of doing this ever again, even if there were only two people left on earth. I know this will sound fake and trite with all of the horrible $#%^ I documented above, but please please believe me when I say I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life other than my ex, who I hurt absolutely monstrously and callously and meanly and I cannot understand how I could have done that when I thought I was a good person. I really hope a therapist can help me understand how I could have done it. The woman I've booked a meeting with listed a specialization in psychocriminology on her website and I really hope she will be willing to see me.

I always thought of myself as an extremely asocial person, don't need anyone, prefer to be on my own. But I realized that that's not true. It's true that I don't like living with people and do prefer to be on my own, but it is actually so so important to me to have someone to give love and support to and to receive love back, and I can't believe I violated that contract with humanity so unspeakably ten years ago. I have broken down crying so many times this past week at the thought that I don't deserve the love of my mom or my best friend. My only consolation is the thought that their love for me is a kind of mirror for the love I've shown them throughout our relationship. Maybe it is possible for me to just quietly atone and one day feel that I at least somewhat deserve to be loved. I'm sorry this is so self-pitying, I am just begging for anyone out there to know what I did and yet some day still think of me as on some level a good person.

First of all, it's a good thing that you're holding yourself accountable - you don't come up with excuses and seek sympathy to mitigate the discomfort you're feeling. Being self-aware is a first step to understanding the reason behind the actions you committed in the past. And the next step - finding an ideal solution on how you can manage your behavior, so you won't hurt anyone else again.

karyte wrote:In fantasies, sort of - I've been looking at that type of porn (drawings, comics, stories) since I was probably about 13. I feel like it's more out of habit at a certain point than being genuinely turned on by it, it's just what I know to fantasize about to get off. It feels kind of hollow and I find I tend to go towards those fantasies more when I'm depressed or anxious. Masturbation is very joyless for me usually, I just need something to get hard to and I tend to go for taboo things.

As of "habit" you named, I'm thinking that this habit seemed to have manifested to an unhealthy addiction? If I'm wrong, correct me, I'll get the picture when it's more detailed.

karyte wrote:What I always told myself is that fantasies or porn don't hurt anyone, which I still believe and think there are people who can have these fantasies in a healthy way, but I realized more recently is that it's hurting me. One day last week I went through my hard drive and deleted any porn that had non-consensual aspects to it. I still think there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but I want to try to rebuild my sexuality somewhat.

Let's hope that you'll actually stop watching/downloading pornography for good as you know the risks. If you don't have behavioral issues, then it's less likely for you to act out on those sexual urges. Distract yourself from thinking about re-downloading pornography.

karyte wrote:The woman I've booked a meeting with listed a specialization in psychocriminology on her website and I really hope she will be willing to see me.

I've never heard of "psychocriminology". I shall get myself to some educating about that...

My final words are that we're glad that you're acknowledging your past errors and dedicating yourself that you'll never repeat your mistakes again, whether big or small, change is always a way to a better life. I wish you the best of luck with therapy that can help you understand yourself better. Best wishes!

I think what you did was pretty shabby, but I also at the same time don't think you're quite the monster you appear to yourself. I seriously don't think everyone would hate you if they knew. Some might, sure, but not everyone.

I was curious as to if this still had a draw for you. Alas, we no longer have a Paraphilias forum, as that also contained Fetish, and for our purposes here, BDSM. I was at the least going to suggest consensual ways to channel any inherent desire to inflict control or anything like that, even though exploring it is verboten in PF. However, it also appears that you don't care for it even when it's presented itself.

I agree as to fantasy/porn not always being an indicator of what someone'd really do. I have an internal sliding scale of what I am willing to live with, and what I'm not, when it comes to sexual fantasy- and only rarely do I fantasize being the perpetrator in taboo subjects- while intellectually I don't think it has to mean anything, having a history of OCD with harm-related intrusive thoughts makes me especially wary of allowing myself to be too outré most especially if I fantasize myself as a 'perpetrator' of anything that the real-world me has a great antipathy to. While I don't stress my mind occasionally straying there, at the same time I don't allow myself to stray there for long. It's not 'me', and it's not about to become 'me'.

I think taboo porn of various kinds is sort of the kind of thing anyone strongly addicted to porn would eventually gravitate to, if for no other reason than to maintain that dopamine 'high'. A pitfall I've never quite fallen into, but once you get used to using something in particular to get off to, you're going to find yourself using it a lot.

I'm glad you've booked a meeting with someone, I'm hoping they can help you get past this.