Four years ago I did something disgustingly horrible.

Hi, I'm currently 27 years old, male. I'll be talking about disgusting things I did in my past and I expect to receive a lot of hate, I wouldn't want to ruin your day so please keep that in mind while reading. All I'll say I take full responsibility for, these were my actions and no matter what happened before I made those decisions.

In short, I became addicted to pornography and the lockdown exacerbated it, and with my impulses out of control I did things that are taking me to an early grave(well deserved). I'll be rambling a bit.
When I was a kid a friend came to play, I think we were less than 10, he may have been a year older I don't remember as he never came back after this day. Our moms were talking and we went to check out my dad's tiny motorhome, the ones that get pulled by the car. When we were inside he made up a game of us undressing and that we would do something fun. I was innocent so I followed his lead. After that he made me lay on my belly in the RV's couch and then, fully naked, he laid on top of me and started frotting. I remember that he smell horrible. I didn't understand the game but he was happy so I just laughed nervously. Then our moms came so we got up and dressed quickly. I remember crying that night and telling my mom. Then I never saw that friend again, I guess my mom decided it was for the best or whatever. This is how I lost my innocence.

I had access to a TV that showed late night pornography and I would watch that in the same room my siblings slept. Maybe at 11 years old. I got a phone, and found my way into incestual pornography, then incestual doujin pornography. I touched my little sister, she's 5 years younger than me, when we were kids. I think this was a few days. She would come to my bed and we would play tickling and massaging, I would go to hers and the same. One time I touched a bit roughly and she said stop. I stopped and I realized what I had been doing. I stopped because I started feeling guilty and I wanted to die. I'm supposed to be the big brother and at first I thought it would make her happy as the drawings looked happy but I started reading online and people were hurting by these acts. We made up when we grew up, and the guilt was lifted. I still found it hard to forgive myself but if my sister was fine, and we were kids, maybe it could be alright.

Throughout my whole adolescence I became a pervert. I guess this is normal for teens, with all the raging hormones and stuff. But mine had a dark undertone. I already was a sex offender by description. I did nothing but fall deep down the pornography hole. Mostly incestual fantasy. But constantly, every day. I still felt something for my sister that I shouldn't feel and it is to this day that I feel this sexual attraction as disgusting as it sounds. I can control my thoughts and actions now, but it's a reminder of what I've become.

The pandemic hit and I was 23 years old. My sister was renting her own place and living a good life, she was really happy and it made me really happy. This person I tortured was so strong that she could part her way through the world even with everything that was done to her. And still she loves me, she loves me so much it hurts. It hurts knowing I did that to such a important person in my life. I was at my peak addiction in lockdown and machine learning models became a thing. There was one to nudify pictures and create deepfakes. I use a picture of my sister's public instagram and made her nude. Thankfully it didn't look much like her as it was early in the technology and the site said the images would be deleted after a few hours, it also gave the option to delete them manually. I did so and didn't think much of it. My mind was clouded and I didn't realize what a horrible disgusting thing I had just done. The memory was hidden until a few years later, now, where everything floods out and I come to realize what a disgusting piece of $#%^ I am, the bottom barrel filth of humanity. Law cracked against these sites thankfully, and to this day I hope that image will never reach her. If it does, I could only take my life out of shame.

After that, we went travelling, I was obsessed with her still. We rented a place with family, she took a bath and I saw that I could look into the bath through a hole. I wanted to look and I felt this rush in adrenaline pushing me to look as if I would die if I didn't. I couldn't see much but I had bought a new phone, with a good camera, so I recorded her showering for a bit. I was almost caught and stopped recording. I used this recording to pleasure myself and when it was done, I couldn't believe what I had done. I deleted it and swore to take it to my grave. Again, I had done something horribly inhuman to this person that meant so much to me, the memory was compartmentalized on the spot. That night I cried a bit and I woke up without thinking much of it.

Now, four years later, I've grown a lot. I'm known as a goody two shoes. People look at me like some kind of moral paragon. And it's all a mask. Deep, deep in me my soul is stained. I am a freak, an offender, I would do the world a favor if I cleaned myself off it. But I can't, I can't because my sister loves me, she knows what I did as a kid but not as an adult. She doesn't know that the brother she looks up to, the one that has helped her and everyone around here so many times is such a vile human being. ###$ me, I don't even deserve to cry, death would be too good for me. A final rest, I'm so tired. I know I deserve it, I know. Living with the mind and body of such monster is so incredibly tiring. I want to be good, I wanted to be good my whole life. I wanted to be a ######6 hero, what a ######6 joke. All this undeserved self pity and for what. All that rests in my life is keep pretending, pretending I'm alright. I'll rot with guilt until I die naturally or in an accident, so my sister doesn't have to cry for a freak but for her treasured big brother.

I fixed myself, I'm not addicted to pornography anymore, I contribute to society. And if the thoughts come about my attraction to her, I control them, I know how. I'm not impulsive anymore. But I'm so tired. I hurt her so much and she doesn't know. And I couldn't tell her, I wish I could come clean but it would only be self serving. The big back that looked after her, the big back that saved that lady's life in front of her, it was a lie. I try to think I'm a complex being, both made of good and bad. But the bad is so overwhelmingly more that I can't live.

I don't know what I was expecting writing here, maybe the hate I deserve. I just want to know if it's okay for someone like me to keep living. I didn't date in my teens because of what I did as a kid, I felt undeserving of love and care, I felt undeserving of beauty and a pariah to society. I never felt like I belonged, I never felt human. Then she lifted that guilt off my shoulders and I started living, I went on a date and was so happy. Pandemic hit and I'm back on track, back to remember what an animal I am. To remember what's hidden deep in me.

Now, I'm still a virgin and I've accepted I'll die alone. I wished to have a big family with a loving wife, and I would give anything to her. I'm so cold and lonely, and it's all fair, I can't complain. You reap what you sow. I closed myself off society, I live, work and exercise in my house. A sinner like me doesn't deserve happiness. I closed myself off love and care, the only warmth I get are my sister's hugs. My dogs need me, my mom, sister, brother, father and grandma need me but I'll only last so long. They want me to date, "You are such a great person!" "You would be taken advantage off". I can't tell them that the image they have of me is incomplete, that I'm a sick person beneath all of the supposed good I've done. And I haven't done it in search of redemption, I know I'm far too gone for that. I've done good where I could because I think that's what someone has to do. I helped my mom with her mental and financial, and my sister, grandma and brother too because that's what I believe a big brother is supposed to do. I don't expect to ever be forgiven, I expect hell or whatever punishment is given to people like me, awaits at the end. I just want to be good and I'll die trying. But I'll die alone and that hurts. It hurts incredibly so, I cry myself to sleep every night. There's no woman in this world that would want a freak like me and I understand that. I don't deserve love nor company, I don't deserve warmth. I can't relate to anyone, there's a bunch of incels crying at how they aren't given what they deserve and I can't relate to that. I'm voluntarily cutting myself of the dating pool because it's what I deserve. I wish I could go back and change my past, I really do. I would give my life for it. I would give my life to ease the hurt of anyone I love. I would gladly die for my sister. I wish I could just disappear from everyone's memories so they wouldn't have to hurt my leave.

Please bear with me as this will be incredibly childish, I bought a plushie as soon as it launched of an anime I really like, it's called Frieren. It's of the main character, an elf that fights true evil. When it got here I kind of put it to my chest and I felt something fill. Hugging it takes some pain away for some reason. I'm a big man, 6'4 and with mass to boot, and this tiny speck of beauty in my chest makes me so incredibly happy. I'm hugging the plushie that represents a being that would kill someone like me on sight. I'm evil incarnate. And it's hard for me to even have this plushie near me, I feel I don't even deserve this kind of beauty in my life.

There's a dragon called Paarthurnax in Skyrim that says something like:
What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?
And that speaks to me. I don't know what was wrong with me when I was younger, but I have overcome that. I'm not that person anymore. Yet the damage is already done, both to my soul and my sister. And everyday I hope that those sites fell and the image is truly gone. In 4 years nothing has resurfaced so I'm believing it's gone and that gives me some relief, at least she won't be truly hurt. Now all that rests is to die with this disgusting secret.

Again, I don't know what to expect except hate. Bear in mind, none of you can hate me the way I can, I'm 24/7 in this filth, and I'll continue to be. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. If I had no people that loved me, I would gladly be gone. It's cowardly and selfish, but the pain is unbearable. I'll never be loved by a woman, and I wouldn't want to put her through knowing this about my past. I'll keep doing good where I can and I know redemption is far gone for me. I just want to be good. I took happiness out of my life and almost took it out of my sister's life. I won't go into religion because it seems to be a cop out to me, I can't be forgiven, not a single god can.

Do you think it's okay for me to be alive?

-- Wed Dec 25, 2024 9:32 am --

Thanks Snaga for moving the post here, I realized that I posted in the wrong forum later.

I wanted to clarify I'm not attracted to kids, as I read that it could happen with such early development. All in all I'm a healthy man, attracted to women a bit younger and much older than me. I had some 18 yo girls approach me at 26 and I found that gap weird so I rejected them. As hypocritical as it sounds, young people look and act immature. I think a 5 year gap, concerning adults, is a lot of time already, but as one grows old I've come to realize that maturity slowly comes to a halt.

I'm really lost to be honest. I appreciate that a place like this exists, even for a monster like me.

Merry Christmas.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I am one of the moderators here.

By your own description, you no longer let pornography control you, and you have come to keep your desires towards your sister under control. This seems more about what you've done, than anything you are doing, so I've moved this into the Remorse forum. As far as the attraction itself, we do have a ban on paraphilias, but at moderator discretion I'm going to say that even though your porn habits display an incest fetish, since you're actually writing about being attracted to your sister, then if that attraction is something you need to continue to talk about, the forum you originally placed this in would be the place to start a new topic about that one thing, minus the things you've done in the past. Those, we'll address here in Remorse.

My own personal opinion:

What you did as a kid, I discount. You said it best:

TryingForLife321 wrote:Throughout my whole adolescence I became a pervert. I guess this is normal for teens

You darn right it is. I know I was. Show me a guy that says he wasn't a little pervy horndog as a teenager, and I'm going to probably think he's a liar. Not that that gives a teenager carte blanche to do anything they wish, because in my opinion especially after the age of about 14 the higher brain functions actually start to kick in and a person starts to know 'okay I shouldn't do this'. But still, raging hormones is raging hormones and it's something a person has to learn how to handle, we don't come out of the womb with impulse control. And it's too easy for children to see porn these days. In my day, pilfered girlie magazines were the best you could manage. Later into GenX, I suppose late night cable TV. Now it's 'I started looking at porn online at age (fill in the blank, all far too young). I really don't know how a kid is supposed to deal with that without messing up a few times along the way. Again, not making excuses, but I really don't know how a kid is supposed to control impulses until they get some maturity under their belt, and even then it has to be a lot harder than it used to be.

As for the rest of it- well, you were old enough to know better. But you've stopped. You can't keep kicking yourself forever. Don't misunderstand me- you need to feel bad for things like the shower peephole. But you're hardly the first person to get the hots for your sister. You're not quite the monster you feel you are. Up to a certain point, your remorse and self-disgust are useful tools to be a better person, but after a certain amount, self-hate just becomes something unto itself. You haven't harmed her, you have a good relationship with her, you haven't actually pulled her into an incestuous relationship, you haven't attacked her. I think you first off, need to see into therapy, and also cut yourself a little slack. You have made mistakes, you were fortunate and there were no lasting consequences for you or your sister, and you need to try and forgive yourself a little.

There's a lot that maybe could be said about the possibility of a future relationship, whether or not in includes incest fantasy (you know, some women might be up for that sort of role play). Either way, I think some therapy would do you a lot of good. You don't have to live a life alone....

TryingForLife321 wrote:I wanted to clarify I'm not attracted to kids

I don't think anyone reading your post would think you were.

TryingForLife321 wrote: I had some 18 yo girls approach me at 26 and I found that gap weird so I rejected them. As hypocritical as it sounds, young people look and act immature. I think a 5 year gap, concerning adults, is a lot of time already, but as one grows old I've come to realize that maturity slowly comes to a halt.

The rule of thumb I have heard all my life, and subscribe to, would be half your age plus seven. It allows for the sliding scale of relative maturity and life experience. You'll notice that for you that would be 26/2+7=20. Under the half your age plus seven rule, the older you get, the greater the allowable age gap becomes, but that increasing age gap means less and less. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I personally think it's a good rule.

Hi Snaga, first of all thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to reply here. I really appreciate it. Just posting this made me feel a bit lighter and reading that another person might see past my wrongs helped immensely.

Snaga wrote:This seems more about what you've done, than anything you are doing, so I've moved this into the Remorse forum. As far as the attraction itself, we do have a ban on paraphilias, but at moderator discretion I'm going to say that even though your porn habits display an incest fetish, since you're actually writing about being attracted to your sister, then if that attraction is something you need to continue to talk about, the forum you originally placed this in would be the place to start a new topic about that one thing, minus the things you've done in the past. Those, we'll address here in Remorse.

On this note, I do not intend to talk about this paraphilia as it's just a remnant of my past addiction, I wish I didn't have it but alas. It's growing dormant with time, but it's always there and I don't intend on feeding it.

Snaga wrote: Again, not making excuses, but I really don't know how a kid is supposed to control impulses until they get some maturity under their belt, and even then it has to be a lot harder than it used to be.

Yeah, I don't have the best relationship with pornography of any kind but I believe it's very damaging to the mind, and even more to little kids with no frame of reference for life.

Snaga wrote: As for the rest of it- well, you were old enough to know better.

I know, I wish I could go back, I really do. I would give anything to go back and beat some sense into myself.

Snaga wrote: But you've stopped. You can't keep kicking yourself forever. Don't misunderstand me- you need to feel bad for things like the shower peephole. But you're hardly the first person to get the hots for your sister. You're not quite the monster you feel you are. Up to a certain point, your remorse and self-disgust are useful tools to be a better person, but after a certain amount, self-hate just becomes something unto itself. You haven't harmed her, you have a good relationship with her, you haven't actually pulled her into an incestuous relationship, you haven't attacked her.

I know I have stopped, and I know I'll never do anything of the like again, I would sooner end myself right there. But if I don't punish myself I feel like there's no justice in the world. A sick creep like me gets to walk freely into society. Being loved by those who are none the wiser to his stain.

To be honest, I behaved like a good person in my past too, it's silly but I always had the dream of being a hero so I modeled my life on that thought. Even riddled with guilt I tried to do my best. Still, I didn't realize how poor control I had over my impulses, like if my mind was clouded. And after I dealt with my addiction everything came crashing down, like if a dam opened and presented all my inhuman acts in vivid detail.

Snaga wrote: I think you first off, need to see into therapy, and also cut yourself a little slack. You have made mistakes, you were fortunate and there were no lasting consequences for you or your sister, and you need to try and forgive yourself a little.

I am very fortunate that nothing has come to pass to my sister and I'll keep doing everything in my power to help her through life. I don't do this out of guilt but out of duty and love. I really just want her to be her best self, you know? And she's so incredibly strong. As for me, my mind feels a bit broken.

On therapy, I've thought about it. But I'm talking sexual crimes here and it honestly scares me, both the fact of being incarcerated and the stain on my family. I've thought about turning myself in but the fear of being put behind bars for sexual crimes and the fear of inflicting even more pain on my family and sister keeps me at bay. So I wouldn't know how to speak of these things with a therapist, I haven't looked at the way they handle professional secrets here. I think it's the choice of the therapist, so I can't really risk it.

Snaga wrote: There's a lot that maybe could be said about the possibility of a future relationship, whether or not in includes incest fantasy (you know, some women might be up for that sort of role play). Either way, I think some therapy would do you a lot of good.

I wouldn't want to include incest fantasy into my relationships. It really just reminds me of something painful. But if I were lucky enough to be with someone, and this person needed that I would be willing to compromise. And I do agree, just being talked to like if I'm a person in these posts helps, so therapy with a person in front of me might do wonders.

Snaga wrote: You don't have to live a life alone....

I don't know about this. It wouldn't sit right in my mind to make a woman endure what you've read here coming from the mouth of her partner. The person she trusts most in the whole world saying such disgusting things.

I realize I'm inexperienced and naive regarding relationships, and people usually come with their own traumas, but there's being hurt by the world and there's doing damage to the world. One I can take, the other I can't believe I could deal.

With all I've written it might be hard to believe but I'm a horrible liar. I don't like lies, it doesn't sit right with me, and even white lies leave a sour taste in my mouth. And I've thought about how I would breach this subject to a fictional partner, would I tell them right away or deeper into the relationship. Would I tell them before proposing or deep into the marriage. And I just don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to hide something so impactful from my partner. And you could say it isn't hiding if I just keep it to myself and if asked just answer truthfully, after all it shouldn't have any impact on the relationship. The past is the past and ignorance is bliss but I would never feel worthy of this person's time. I hardly provide value to the world as is.

There could come a time where I would be with my girlfriend/wife and the news would talk about a creep on the loose or some horrible sexual crime and I would break down. And at that moment, I would have to explain this supposed buried past of mine, this past that supposedly didn't have any impact anymore but laid dormant all that time. And I might lose her, and have my secret up for the world to see. It could get to my sister and all would break down. I don't see any other choice than taking this to my grave, ignoring these posts.

Snaga wrote: The rule of thumb I have heard all my life, and subscribe to, would be half your age plus seven. It allows for the sliding scale of relative maturity and life experience. You'll notice that for you that would be 26/2+7=20. Under the half your age plus seven rule, the older you get, the greater the allowable age gap becomes, but that increasing age gap means less and less. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I personally think it's a good rule.

Yeah! I know about this, the trusty internet age gap rule.

Anyway, thanks a lot again for writing and reading, Snaga. Around two months I fell even deeper into depression and almost made a final decision. At the time I got a call from a friend and it felt as if my mind got clearer. I have never confessed this to anyone in my life, and I'm debating whether to, but I realized then that just being seeing as a person helped.

TryingForLife321 wrote: the fear of being put behind bars for sexual crimes

The only adult thing I recall from your post is being a bit of a peeping tom. And just with your sister. And not much of that, either. Being behind bars is really a bit of a stretch, I think. I know it doesn't feel that way, but if you were reading this from outside your head, you might think it wasn't quite that dire, either.

TryingForLife321 wrote:ere could come a time where I would be with my girlfriend/wife and the news would talk about a creep on the loose or some horrible sexual crime and I would break down. And at that moment, I would have to explain this supposed buried past of mine

No, you don't. You sit there and keep your mouth SHUT. It's not hard to do. You're not obligated to share every unsavory thing you've ever done, if they are things that you have moved past and no longer do and are no longer part of your behavior.

It's all in the past, and that wouldn't be the past, it's the future. You don't do those things in the present, won't be doing them in the future, and the past is gone and nobody was hurt. I think a sense of perspective is not unwarranted here. Nobody was permanently hurt. You didn't drive drunk and kill a person. You didn't lure anyone into the back of a van. You didn't scar your sister for life. Your sister loves you, has a good relationship with you. Use the past to be a better person, and to remind yourself to remain vigilant against being that sort of person again. But not to grind yourself into the dust. That's overkill. That's not proportionate.

First of all, happy new year Snaga. You helped ease my burden a bit and I enjoyed celebrating with my family. Sorry for the late response, I had a few good days and many bad days. I'm a bit paranoid right now regarding my past actions.

I think I continue to punish myself so I don't forget. The things I did as a kid hurt me a lot emotionally. I remember crying myself to sleep because of the exploration that had happened and I remember not wanting to ever do something of the like. Yet I did something creepy and sexual after forgetting the past and I did that as an adult.

Before going on, I know this self pity leads nowhere and I should just man up, cut my loses and move forward with a clear mind knowing the man I've become is nowhere near close what I've been, but I seem to be ruminating over the actions I took until I've truly accepted them and the consequences or lack thereof.

Snaga wrote:The only adult thing I recall from your post is being a bit of a peeping tom. And just with your sister. And not much of that, either. Being behind bars is really a bit of a stretch, I think. I know it doesn't feel that way, but if you were reading this from outside your head, you might think it wasn't quite that dire, either.

There was also: Using the early AI websites to nudify instagram pictures. As of now, I realize that the peeping issue is dead with my memory of it, but that website and the pictures could be logged in a server somewhere. It's been around 3-4 years since then and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid. My IP could be logged in the websites servers, the picture could be logged in the website servers, my IP linked to that picture could be logged and my ISP must have my IP range from back then saved in their servers or my MAC address. My family wants to travel abroad and I've read you get a background check done, and I'm a bit paranoid on that front too, which is stupid but I've never traveled abroad.

All of this moaning and crying results in nothing of value of course, I understand that, it's just that currently my brain is stuck in that issue. What if those pictures are out there, what if my logs are out there. What if I'm living comfortably with my future family and I get arrested for something I did so long ago, leaving them alone.

Snaga wrote:You're not obligated to share every unsavory thing you've ever done, if they are things that you have moved past and no longer do and are no longer part of your behavior.

I know I'm not obligated, I think my lack of experience with relationships gives me a romanticized version of them. "A couple should be fully honest with each other, and your partner is the person that knows you best than anyone in the world" or something of the like and I want to do everything possible to make my partner happy. It seems I've killed the chance for that kind of deep connection, I say that without even trying to have that kind of connection of course.

Snaga wrote:I think a sense of perspective is not unwarranted here. Nobody was permanently hurt. You didn't drive drunk and kill a person. You didn't lure anyone into the back of a van. You didn't scar your sister for life. Your sister loves you, has a good relationship with you.

I know this, it's a bit of what keeps me going. And sorry for going in circles, writing this stuff helps, but I can only think of the day she feels betrayed you know? The day she finds out, whether a slip up or the logs I've written of before.

I haven't tried to harm myself for a bit now, so that's good and I'm finding joy in common things again. I don't look at the mirror and see a monster, and it's really all thanks to you Snaga. I'm trying to be better every day and do my best, this depression led me to lose a really good job and I couldn't explain to anyone that I almost fell off the Earth.

One last thing I want to write about is how I feel whenever there's a: NotAllMenAreTheSame or AllMenAreTheSame discussion. It destroys me to be honest, I'm the men they are talking about, the creepy ones that make women feel uncomfortable and in danger. I'm not now, I wasn't back then either, but this slip up puts me in that category of unsavory people. Besides the situations spoken of here I've never once made any woman feel uncomfortable or anything like that. But once stained you can't go back I think, so I feel awful whenever I hear about those groups of men and like a hypocrite if I talk rejecting them and their actions.

Anyway, hopefully you can read through this, if not, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. You don't understand how much it means to me to not be seen as a monster by someone real out there. It gives me hope.

Happy New Year, to you too!

Glad you spent some time with your family.

I'm pretty sure you're not the first one to nudify photos. You hadn't mentioned that these were specifically your sister, or the ages of the nudified- but worrying about this isn't going to change the past. Going to have to figure that if you'd done anything that would cause any repercussions, they'd have happened by now. You have to learn to let these things go. Think that you also can't restrict your future life over what-ifs that might never happen. Worry about things if they happen, when they happen, and not before.

I'm glad I did too. Here's a quote from the OP, just to clarify.

TryingForLife321 wrote: I use a picture of my sister's public instagram and made her nude. Thankfully it didn't look much like her as it was early in the technology and the site said the images would be deleted after a few hours, it also gave the option to delete them manually.

I tried remembering and I know that I did it in that same year, before we traveled, and she would've been 18 in the most recent pictures at the time. I believe those are the ones I used. She could've been 17 but I remember she cleared her posts every year and started anew and these were from a party she'd gone to before leaving home for her new apartment.

I know it changes nothing, but this is a heavy weight I carry and it tends to sink me. Deservedly so, of course. I went through some old pictures to check the dates, it really hurts to know the damage I could've caused. I really can't believe she loves me still and that I did that.

That's everything from me. My darkest thoughts and actions, bare for anyone to see. To anyone reading, if anything comes out of this self pity and whining, please control your urges, I realized too late I was too impulsive and I obsessed with people and almost destroyed the life of a person I love with my whole heart and with that my family. I almost did it again this year with taking my life, and I don't know if that would've fixed anything except for releasing me of this pain while leaving those behind with a family member dead.

I'm still scared for my future, but I'll try my best to be good with the time I'm given. I really don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I want to experience love if that's allowed for someone like me, I would like a family. Still, I don't think I'll ever be truly free until my death. You reap what you sow.

Thank you again Snaga, you helped me a lot. I don't know if this means anything to you but you've given me back what little hope I had. I really mean this.

Well you're welcome, and I'm hoping that time will dull the pain you've been feeling over this. In the end, you were fortunate that nothing worse came of any of this, save the harm you feel you've done to yourself- that's a gift that shouldn't be wasted either on being unrepentant, or placing yourself in endless purgatory. I think your path is best followed something between those two. Live and learn.