I molested my little sister. How do I stop being abusive

I am a 20 year old male. I am desperate. I cannot live with myself, not with this rot in my soul. Life is literally meaningless like this.

I am an scumbag. I used to hit my younger sister from the moment she was born because she cried. a baby. cried. i was 9 then. I continued to be callous to her, bullying, making her cry. When she was about 5 and i was 14 I have molested her. For several days i used to show her my genitals and at the end I attempted to rape her. Parents came home in time to prevent this. Short pep talk, no punishment. My sister turned more reserved, she used to be more joyful. So after that it's tickling, verbal bullying, sometimes i hit her too. I tickled her against her will, I did it for my arousal. All the way up to now, when i'm 20 and she's 11. Recenly touched, massaged her back, became strongly aroused and I realized how sick I was. I realize i haven't changed for $#%^! I posted here when i was 17, but i suppose i used to pity myself too much to do anything meaningful. I am still an asshole, and just one step away from rape.

I noticed my sister had self harm marks on her forearms a month ago. "Cat scratches". When i went into her room two days later and talked to her, like if something bad happened to her, she said "it's all good". I told her me massaging her was weird and i did a bad thing, she said it was her fault. She's online all the time via her phone. She must be suffering.

I started regularly watching csam, featuring teenagers when I hit 16 and i continue. This horrible extortion and control some creeps do to girls online attracts me. Don't wanna become one of them.

I am a coward, I drive myself into isolation, I cannot live with myself. I was and still am afraid of opening up to people but I want it. I think my human feelings are underdeveloped: compassion, love... so I don't engage with nobody, not even relatives, i don't love them enough and I am afraid. Because I can't engage with others, I get frustrated and abuse. Sexually, because my sex drive is strong.

The question is then: can i redeem myself? Raskolnikov of the novel "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoevsky found his love, Sonya, and began to change slowly, and he was a callous man. I do fall in love, it's just that I feel i don't deserve it, and i fear it, and I can't understand joyful people. Not with this weight on my conscience.

My sister. How should I help her? Like, find her a psychotherapist? Or should i leave her alone because of risk? Damn! I don't want to molest her again.

Do rapists like me ever stop being rapists or it's not happening? What kind of people change? Any real people you know of? How do i take responsibility for my crime? Look for therapy? Try to love, to understand human suffering? Or go to prison and be someone's punk?

What must I do? I can't understand on my own, hell it's been six years and i am still pity myself, hesitate. There are calm and collected people out there. Please voice your opinion.

Hello and welcome back!

I think I recall you from your previous time here.

ItsHardToBeHuman wrote:Do rapists like me ever stop being rapists

You don't yet appear to be one. 'One step away' isn't the same thing as being one.

ItsHardToBeHuman wrote:My sister. How should I help her? Like, find her a psychotherapist?

I think maybe one good way to help her, would be to help yourself first. Have you seen a professional? I seem to recall you hadn't, because you were worried if a therapist might report you. I really don't know how that could happen for things you did as a minor, and I didn't see anything you'd done as an adult, as far as sister's concerned.

The CSAM. I don't know what a therapist is required to report. I don't know, and you ought not to say here, the detail to which you mean CSAM, as in actual CP, or not- but you know you really need to stay away from anything that even hints of CP. That kind of stuff could get you in real trouble, real fast. Would a therapist report? I suppose it depends on the therapist, and where you live, so far as I can tell. If a therapist believes that makes you a danger to your sister, or not. If the jurisdiction you live in requires reporting, by law, then I suppose they'll have to, no matter what.

Only you know how serious this is- so many people that post to Remorse have what appears from the outside to be an inflated sense of the heinousness of their actions. And a lot of the posters to Remorse overlap to some extent with the sort of things we see in OCD forum, because a lot of posters to Remorse exhibit an OCD-like obsession/fear in regards to what they're feeling remorse over. OCD & OCD-like thought patterns generally greatly overestimate the seriousness of things.

But only you can know for sure if you really find yourself prone to really be drawn to your sister in an abusive or sexual manner, or if you are so obsessed over this that you are hyper-aware and over-think everything. I can only go on how it appears to me here, and while you could be in an obsessive thought loop, I just can't tell that based on the one post. Not that I'm the last word on that- I'm not a therapist.

I am very concerned about looking at CSAM, and you're going to have to find a way to stop that.

I think a therapist might help you with this- help you figure out what motivates you towards some of these actions. Like did the CSAM start out by 'checking' or 'testing' yourself in response to fears you wanted to molest your sister? That kind of thing can get out of hand real fast, once a person gets acclimated to it.

ItsHardToBeHuman wrote:I am a coward, I drive myself into isolation, I cannot live with myself. I was and still am afraid of opening up to people but I want it. I think my human feelings are underdeveloped: compassion, love... so I don't engage with nobody, not even relatives, i don't love them enough and I am afraid. Because I can't engage with others, I get frustrated and abuse. Sexually, because my sex drive is strong.

This could be a symptom of some sort of disorder that is above and beyond the issue you write about. And you will have a much easier time of figuring that out, if you see a therapist or other professional. I really think you need to take a chance on that, even with the risks you worry about.

Hello Snaga, and thank you for your reply.
I tried several therapists in the past. It was for nothing, because I was not completely honest to them or me. I never told any one of them about the severity of my abusive tendencies at the moment, just that I abused and molested my sister and watched csam in the past.

Thing is, I get urges to beat people up, even my sister, daily. To do sexual things to her, too. These are the same urges that I had when I molested and attempted to rape her. All i want to know is whether people with such abusive urges can ever get rid of them. Someone must know this. Is it possible to rehabilitate child molesters?

ItsHardToBeHuman wrote:Is it possible to rehabilitate child molesters?

I don't know. I know when we used to have a paraphilias forum, that some pedo/hebe/ephebophiles did have a conscience, and worked hard to curb their sexual tendencies.

But, I've yet to be convinced you are one of those things.

What did therapy say about what you did admit to, the past actions with your sister? Did they say it was lack of impulse control, put it down to you being a kid yourself, what?

ItsHardToBeHuman wrote:I get urges to beat people up, even my sister, daily. To do sexual things to her, too. These are the same urges that I had when I molested and attempted to rape her.

ARE they the same urges? It's hard to tell sometimes over words on a screen, just what someone means. I'm OCD. I get intrusive thoughts. I have harm-related OCD intrusive thoughts, which are thoughts of doing bad things to loved ones. I could interpret those as 'urges', if I let them upset me enough- but I know what they are (OCD intrusive thoughts) and they're not urges in the proper sense of the word- they're thoughts that I'm going to do something, and the thought of that causes me distress. As a matter of fact, ordinary people have dark thoughts of harming others physically or otherwise, all the time. That's what I have read. And normal people do not pay those thoughts any attention- for them, they're just random thoughts that make no sense (why would I do that?).

For people like me with OCD, we take such thoughts seriously and get upset over them, conflating having a thought about physically or sexually abusing a child for example, with a real desire to do it. When nothing could be further from the real truth.

So, when you say you get urges, are these thoughts 'I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. I want to do this, I want to do that. I'm afraid I'll do this, I'm afraid I'll do that'?

I find myself thinking dark things, and wishing bad things on people, but also realise that sometimes it's my mind finding ways to express frustrations, and that I really don't want those things to happen. It's just the brain finds ways of expressing frustration at things we can't change. Such as- if I had a little sister and I had some deep-seated resentment- maybe my parents favor her, or she can do no wrong but everything associated with me is always my fault; things like that. Gonna think mean thoughts, that's pretty Human. But that's not the same as bona fide urges to cause harm.

Or are they impulses that you have to actually restrain yourself from acting on?

You seem to feel remorse, are these things you feel driven to do, regardless of feeling bad for them?

I think your time spent with therapists hasn't yet ended. Not if you're serious about getting to the bottom of this.