Need help , more like a confession to make

I do not know if this relates to you or not. But I have heard that sometimes, survivors of abuse read a lot of stories with abuse in them, because their subconscious is looking for what is familiar (abusive situations), because they are not fully aware it is abusive (the habit of the past situations turned the situations into a twisted form of normal) or because they are looking for closure (a story in which the victim finally escapes and gets justice). This can come hand in hand with a fear of becoming an abuser. If it is the case for you, maybe looking into support for survivors might help? I do not know, just my two cents.

Hi, thank you for the update. I've been checking every so often to see if you're OK.
It's really good to know you're being kinder to yourself and feeling more positive.
You definitely aren't alone, just many either don't yet recognise what they're reading as harmful or they're too ashamed or nervous to ask for help.
I'm glad you have a therapist you're working with.
I don't know if it's against the rules on this forum but if you need a friend I'm on *mod edit*

Take care

I have been reading a book called The power of now , it said something along the lines of you can’t solve the problems of mind on the level of mind , it’s supposed to be spiritual but also on the level of normal day to day life , it seems true , I can’t solve something if I am thinking of it , cause we are both on the same level ,so I can’t solve it unless I separate myself from it . It helps a little , it also said something along the lines of how our mind loves to keep our pain alive by adding more pain to it , which it also called insane like why did I want more pain after pain , cause the subconscious pain and guilt in me , didn’t want to die or perhaps I didn’t try to do anything to do resolve it . I should have communicated before , asked for help earlier then things would have been different, but past is past , I can’t do anything about it. But i have to stop those things from ruling myself anymore , I don’t know what woke me up , but it did and it feels light . Right now i am in a overthinking mode but i am pretty sure , there will be one moment in time , i’ll look at all of it in different way . It’s a work in progress , I am not saying I am feeling a lot better now or my mind is in a peaceful state , but if bad things can take up so much of my mind , I am sure good things will end up taking much more space . Currently that’s what I am working with , my sleep cycle has improved and I am also trying to learn guitar. I just wanted to share it . Thank you for everything, if you guys don’t mind I would like to post my progress from time to time.

That book sounds interesting I'll definitely have a look at it.
You have a lot of kindness, I can tell. Just remember to keep being kind to yourself. Life is more than our past.

Always feel free to PM me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Yeah it’s a nice book , you should definitely take a look at it . I am sorry I still don’t the pms features , so I can’t really pm you there . I have recently told my mom about the things that happened to me when I was young , she was pretty shocked and I think she kind of doesn’t want to believe it , that it really happened in my life . I don’t really blame her , she has always tried her best raise us . Even now the guilt keeps gnawing at me , it would be like , didn’t you see the characters looked small , so why did you open it , did you want it to happen to you or what if it happened in real life . Sometimes I am not sure , I am usually a happy go lucky girl , believing in good things and trusting in justice and always wanting to speak up against bad things , and then I would wonder about the times when I didn’t read those things and be happy about them , then once I look at myself and think , reading those stories has made me feel such disgust towards my ownself. But this guilt train probably won’t help me , I read somewhere that guilt leads to further guilt ,and guilt is not the way to overcome it . I am trying now , but sometimes in my mind everything would appear and makes me feel guilty. I am on medication currently to improve my mood , it doesn’t make me cry but I can’t shake off these thoughts, whether sleeping or waking up , these are the first thoughts, I wish I could go back to the time when I never read them , I just wish but it’s not gonna happen . I wonder when this torment will end .

That's very strange! Maybe an admin can help you with the PM issue?
You should be able to see a (# new messages) link on the top left in between User Control Panel and View your posts.

I'm glad you told someone you're close to. Psychology is so complex and if it was as simple as well, you read shota/loli/incest so you must be into that in real life, then those people who enjoy murder documentaries, horror films and violent games must also be into that in real life. I'm learning that I continued to read things that I now am grossed out by because my mind was still seeing and processing it as a teenager... possibly because of trauma as well as potential ADHD or Autism (waiting for an assessment but 2 therapists believe I am ND). Now I recognise and have processed what that content was I feel all the shame, guilt and remorse like yourself. However it took my brain a lot longer to process it than recognising it. If that makes sense?
So I recognised shota as what it was, but sometimes still read it because I was interested in size differences and how things worked, how characters would react etc... it's like my brain just focused on my need for wanting to know how, what etc and didn't think about it being shota and unhealthy to read. It's like that part was just wiped out of my brain. Apparently that's a ND thing but can also link with trauma.
Maybe say it to your Mom that your brain hadn't fully processed the content and it's very easy to see things unclearly. It's very easy to become desensitised and not be fully aware. The fact that you and I feel bad about viewing that content proves we had no ill intentions, our brains didn't fully click it because of complex matters and experts in psychology and those who grew up with manga and anime say there is nothing to be ashamed of by us not realising sooner.

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