relapsed into brief same sex encounter. feel terrible

TW: has sexual details
was doing sexual stuff with cousin when we were kids. was very sexual.
in early 20s, would visit cruising places. crowded trains where u make eye contact with someone n if the other person is ok with it (read body language, slight nod), then u walk toward him n the mutually groped each other's crotch in the crowded train.

i even tried stuff with cab drivers a few times. did as much as groping their crotch. n fondling it.

after every incident i'd feel terrible. more unworthy. yuck filthy. i never enjoyed it. but it felt like this is what i'm supposed to do. it was like a mindless drug addict.

in 2016 things went very far with me leading a guy to a hut n then he smooched me. we blowed each other.

was suicidal after that.

then i think there was 1 more train event of handjob but from 2018 till yesterday i was clean. didnt do anything in train.

i would download gay dating app but never meet anyone.

yesterday i did something i hate myself for. i just want to clean my soul somehow.

i met a guy on dating app. we searched for place to hook up. then i took him to my room. he was saying forget it.
but i insisted.

n at entrance of house, i feigned call from roommate n told guy roommate is coming. lets forget it.

then he told me lets do at least something in dark corner. the moment he touched my penis. i got charged up.

took him to room. along corridor i was hoping someone to see us so i'd stop

but i took him to room. licked his nipples. sucked his nipple. hugging.
he stroked my crotch, i stroked his.

didnt cum.

but then i asked him to leave. he was showing me his ass. i said go now the roommate could come.

i was feeling filthy the whole time. i am talking with a girl for dating purpose.

we havent met though.

but i feel filthy for the relapse. i didnt even enjoy it.

one reason i did it is i wanted a closure. a decent ending to all earlier gay encounters. now this made it worse

though i'm glad there was no bj or anal or smooch.

he didnt kiss my body so that was good.

but i feel yuck. like my soul is stained. i want to purge myself somehow. i just feel #######5 for the relapse.

i have locked the phone between so i dont download dating app again.
i just feel pathetic for cheating on the girl who i'm considering to see.

like wtf... i'm 34
i'm not in my 20s that i can use age as an excuse for relapses

-- Sun Jun 02, 2024 2:19 pm --

its one thing to do such stuff in ur childhood when u dont know stuff.
but at 34..
wtf... at 34 ur supposed to know whats better for your MIND.

wtf... ###$.. what did i do..

-- Sun Jun 02, 2024 6:13 pm --

I want to clean my soul. plz tell me. how do I purge burn away this stain

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I think you would benefit greatly from seeking therapy and trying to get to the bottom of all these feelings.
Personally, I think there’s no shame in same-sex experiences or desires, and I think most people would agree with me. Life is too short to not be yourself, as long as you’re not harming anyone.

thanks for reply...

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I think you would benefit greatly from seeking therapy and trying to get to the bottom of all these feelings.

i went through therapy. she said we're trying to stop relapses but we dont know how to get to the root of the issue

Personally, I think there’s no shame in same-sex experiences or desires, and I think most people would agree with me. Life is too short to not be yourself, as long as you’re not harming anyone.

Warning may trigger
i dont like it. it feels like yuck. disgusting.
i thought i'd like it. but each time i engaged in it, it felt like yuck.
i always wish i wasnt abused as a kid...

jaus tail wrote:i dont like it. it feels like yuck. disgusting.
i thought i'd like it. but each time i engaged in it, it felt like yuck.

I understand and sympathise. I think it comes down to making a peace treaty with oneself. I will not be too hard on myself the things that I used to feel self-disgusted by. Doesn't mean I like it, but I'm not going to beat myself up, either.

as i recall the details, it feels yuck... like wtf was i thinking... it just feels disgusting and yuck...