cocsa,dryhumping,guilt,disgust ,rumination

Hello , I am 21(M) .
When I was around 11/12 I found out about dry humping pillows and I used to do it a lot to the point of taking one to the bathroom. There is a 4 year age difference between my younger brother and I. About a year later my family had to move house into a shared house, we all slept in a double bed (mum,older brother,younger brother and me). I used to hump pillows still at this point and I remember me and my brother went to another room ( it feels coercive, he didn’t say no but I think I asked him to) I remember asking him if we could play a game I had felt this weird urge beforehand and I remember putting a pillow on top of him whilst he was on all fours and I sat on him like riding a horse( we had our clothes on)and I remember moving up and down / rubbing myself on the pillow and I liked the sensation. On another occasion me and my brother were alone in bedroom and I remember wrestling with him for the sensation and I think I climaxed, he would struggle and move around a but he had any idea what was going on (I don’t know the exact age I was then but it had to have been 12/13 making him 8 or 9. We had our clothes on. Another time we were both asleep in the bed alone for some reason side by side and he had his back turned and I was facing him , I think he was asleep but I humping a pillow and I put it in between us and I climaxed but when I looked under the covers I saw a stain on his clothes . I remember crying so hard after this falling asleep . I didn’t remember any of this until years later but I think I always had this sense of guilt, I would think about it occasionally and feel really bad and this passed year I think about it more and more and I feel so disgusting and empty. At this year one point I told my Mum and she was/is very understanding and but recently I keep confessing to her about all of it and I can’t get the images out of my head. I always searched things up relating to the topic and coming across Cocsa stories and feeling distraught. I have a good relationship with my brother now , he’s 17 now and although I have never talked about it to him he doesn’t seem to have any memories of the events ( my mum has talked to him but not directly about the events , he’s doing really well in school and is applying for university. Every time I see him now I get tearful and told myself I would never tell him but after seeing other stories I don’t know if I should apologise , I fear it will make things even worse .

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I personally think what you describe is not unusual for adolescents. At those ages, our sense of morality hasn't caught up to our new hormones. At least, that's how I see it. It seems to be pretty universal that many of us have done sexual things especially as younger teens, that we'd certainly not consider once we're older. My personal attitude is that most of what happens in adolescence, stays there.

As for your story, I mean sure, if I caught my adolescent child doing some of these things, we'd have a little talk about the appropriateness of some of it, but for my part, it would be guidance not something to be horrified over. Because I remember being that age, and I know how me and some of my peers acted with each other.

I think you're being far too hard on yourself. No one seems to have been harmed by this, except for the way you're so harsh on yourself. I think it's admirable when a person has enough self-awareness to understand 'hey I did some dodgy stuff as a kid' but especially when no one seems to have been affected, after a certain point, a person crosses from having healthy introspective remorse, and just beats themselves up, to no good end. It's not as if you're going to do that kind of stuff any more- you're not that kid any longer. At least to me it doesn't seem you are anywhere close to being that kid. I'm not the kid I was, either.

My advice is that if you've a good relationship with your brother, and things are cool, and he's cool, then just leave this be. It's the past, it's some of those weird teenagery things many of us find ourselves guilty of, and no one seems to be any the worse for it. Try and let this go, and forgive yourself and just be a better person for the remorse. If you can't use this to improve, then this remorse is wasted, in my opinion- and part of being a better person is forgiving yourself so that you focus on being a better person, and not punishing yourself over and over for the same things. At least, that's how I see it.