I’m sick to my stomach… I remembered something I have done i

NSFW…
TRIGGER WARNING
Mentions of potential animal abuse / weird topics / homicide victim etc. / potential beastiality


So I was walking downstairs 2 days ago for a snack at night and a very very horrible memory came in to my mind… I can’t believe I have lived all of these years without ever remembering…

Around a decade ago when I was 14-15 I was masturbating in my room, and my dog was in there.
I had a very intense curiosity of what a blowjob would feel like, and sadly I had an intrusive thought. I turned over to my dog… and she sniffed my parts, and I don’t remember if it turned into a lick or just a sniff. Regardless which it’s absolutely disgusting… I think it was just a sniff and it luckily was completely uninterested ….


I’m so glad she was uninterested… I didn’t actually went fully with it …

I got up immediately and I started crying. I begged for forgiveness right then and there…
I snapped out of it quick… this all happened in the matter of seconds… I don’t know how to even explain how absolutely sorry I am.

this has NEVER EVER happened again and I’m not attracted to animals whatsoever… I thought I was a good person … and now I’m here shaking crying for the past 3 days. I can’t go on anymore. I have done something like this …
I’m truly not into this … I don’t have an explanation other than being very sexually confused…
I’m not sure if I can just blame this on teenage curiosity or is this something beyond that…
My family was going through a very bad time with potential divorce, a homicide in the family, and other really bad events.. this does NOT excuse anything but I did want to mention I probably was not all there in the head…

I now know especially animals cannot consent whatsoever and this is still a topic of innocence. I don’t know how redeemable I am if I didn’t truly go along with it. It was really an intrusive thought that ALMOST went into something unspeakably horrifying, but does that make it any better? I don’t know.

My poor poor dog … she still lives with me. I care for her every day… but I can’t look at her right now. I don’t know what to do... I’m a horrible disgusting person. What did I do?
I can barely eat or sleep since I remembered this…
I guess when I was a teen I didn’t feel AS guilty or rather I could forget about it … but somehow me remembering it right now, I can’t do anything except search for similar stories (and also not an excuse but I haven’t found a proper similar one but rather ones with peanut butter and full on actions… not saying mine is much better but i do think it is different … well maybe I’m grasping at straws here to save my consciousness)
Did I really commit a horrible crime? Or did I stop myself from really going there ? Am I redeemable?
If I were to go to a therapist how would I even bring this up? Couldn’t I get in trouble ? (Then again maybe I should for what i have done. I don’t know anymore)
I was thinking of talking about it to my family but I don’t think that’s the best idea either…
If you have to bash me I’ll gladly take it. I don’t condone anything even if I did (or almost did) something.

Gadjokane wrote:I’m not sure if I can just blame this on teenage curiosity

I can.

I've had a dog sniff at me and take a lick when I was a young man. Show me a teenage boy who hasn't done that, or at least thought of doing that, and I'm going to frankly assume they're simply too embarrassed to tell the truth. I mean, I don't know about you, but I was a horndog. Teenage boys gonna teenage. You're seriously not a bad person, not even close. And I rather imagine if you brought that up to a therapist, they're going to tell you that you were just doing teenagery things. I can't imagine it's something that's not common as dirt. Kids are going to satisfy their curiosity in all sorts of ways that will make them either laugh at themselves, or cringe, a few years down the road. This doesn't prove anything except that you're Human.

Try to be a little easy on yourself. Seriously. Trust me, you are far, far so far from alone in doing something like that, it was very 14 of you to do so, and this is something you need to just let go.

A lot of teenagers have weird hormone driven events in their past that they're not proud of. This does not make them bad people.
I am concerned by how hard on yourself you were over this incident and that you were even considering that you're 'not redeemable' because of it. I think how hard you were on yourself should be your sole concern here, and you should dig into why that is.
I know someone who did the whole peanut butter thing with their dog when they were a teenager, and I know they regretted it, but they are totally redeemable and are one of the best people I know. People are people and you can't have no threshold for forgiveness, including toward yourself. Especially in an event like this where it sounds like it was a split second thing you did as a kid that also amounted to nothing, and also isn't that uncommon. I would guess that the vast majority of people in this world have done something far worse in their life.