15 years later

Hello all,

Since it's 15 years since I perpetrated the act/s for which I feel remorse I thought I would provide an update for those of you who are feeling remorse for something you have done more recently.

While I still think about what I did almost every day, it certainly is not every hour anymore. I also feel more able to integrate my actions into my sense of self. While I have never again committed the same illegal act/s, I have since behaved in ways I feel shame about in consequent relationships - in short, I would say that just dwelling and dwelling and beating myself up did not make me a better or self-reflective person; however, become less self-defensive, meditation and reading have all helped to some degree.

Under no circumstances convince yourself that dwelling and rumination are good or moral actions per se.

I'm also generally mentally healthier when I keep busy with projects, volunteering and work.

Overall I would say things have gotten easier - ultimately the harder you resist and the harder you wish you could just undo the past, the less able you will be able to get on with changing yourself and your life. Plus, make sure you get enough sleep!

I've also grown a bit more cynical about humans as I've gotten older. At the very least, if you are posting here you have a degree of self-awareness and self-reflectivity. Try not to internalise the judgements of those who are lacking in both - just focus on becoming a better person and helping those you care about. Thank you for reading and reflecting and keep on going. The journey isn't over until it's over

Thank you very much for the update, Sprock! I hope the posters to this forum really take what you say to heart, because I believe in everything you wrote.

Very well said.
It also took me a long time to realize that hating myself for my past mistakes didn't make me a better person, whereas giving myself some measure of forgiveness did.
And also took me a long time to realize that you can't think clearly about a problem while you're still inside the problem. You need to give yourself time and distance to then look back and reflect on something clearly. We tend to be hard on ourselves while we're still reeling from the emotions of it, or have a hard time seeing it for what it actually is.

Bit late but thought I'd hop in to add that I'm also recovering from what felt like constant, inescapable remorse, and while I still have my moments now and then, it's nothing like it was when I first started posting here.

What helped me was a mix of things, a lot of time just accepting and internalising my mistakes so I wasn't hiding from them, and then a lot of time recognising that there was an element of OCD to my guilt that was warping and catastrophising things too. It might seem like a contradiction, but once I really owned them, I could see them shrink and become more digestable, not as rationalisation, but finally as reality. Things started to improve once I realised that I was so far removed from the events I was circling around, all that rumination was just intrusive thoughts now. Bit by bit, I was able to manage them better.

If you're currently here because you're caught on the memory of something you did years ago, and it feels enormous and inescapable, I'd just like to say that you aren't the worst thing you've done. Even if you're reading this and thinking "yeah, but you don't know what I've done." I felt exactly the same, like I'd been plucked outside human society and I was staring in watching all the normal people who would never know what it was like to feel so guilty. I've been there, as have other people in this place, and I can promise you, it's possible to get back from where you are.