OCD from sexual experiences I regret

Hi y'all, I hope you're doing well. I'm new here and I've seen a few of your posts. I've found that there is so much compassion and understanding here, so I wanted to share my story. A little bit of context, I have been diagnosed for Pure O-OCD, and I have had disturbing intrusive thoughts for most of my life. I am currently in my early 20's, I have graduated from college. I'm not from the US or any English-speaking country. I'm a gay male that is sort of closeted. I came out to my parents at the age of 17, but they didn't take it well (they took it horribly actually). They ignored it and kept acting as if I would eventually change or marry a woman, so I was kind of put back in the closet.

Because I've kept most of my life, including friendships and relationships, a secret to my parents, I have lived many years without guidance, and I feel like I have had to learn many things the rough way. I think I've made many terrible mistakes. Almost daily I get really bad anxiety thinking about these situations, because they make me doubt if I'm a bad person or a psycopath. I never wanted to intentionally hurt anyone, but I think my OCD is driving me to seek answers from strangers. I know it's not healthy, but I can't tell my own parents about my anxiety because I am closeted. Anyway, this is what happened, also I might have to get explicit with some of these stories, so please forgive me for that:

The first situation goes like this: So, I had a school trip when I was 17, and we had to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Coincidentally, the guy that I had a huge crush on stayed in the same room as me, and he walked around in underwear all the time. Basically, I took a photo of him while he was unaware. I don't know how long after that I deleted the picture but it was pretty soon after the trip ended. At the time, I think I disengaged morally and thought it couldn't have been too bad because the picture was only for myself, and I knew I was going to delete it. I think I repressed that memory for a while but now looking bad I feel horrible for even thinking I could do that. I feel like, if I was a creep then, how am I sure that I won't be in the future? Would I be unable to stop myself from harassing someone?

The second situation is this: when I was a senior I went out with a sophomore who is 2 and a half years younger than me. We met when he was 15 and I was 17, it was my first experience dating a guy, because I had never been close with a non-straight male ever before that. We connected through music, because we both played in the same band, and we had many cool conversations and shared experiences. I think I had never connected with anyone like that at the time. However, by the time we "officially" started dating, I had a month of already being turned 18. A lot of adults knew, in fact, some of them even complimented our relationship. My therapist at the time knew, and they didn't say that it could be wrong in any way or anything. For more context, where I am from (not the US), age gaps weren't a common conversation culturally, until recently, and that's how I started feeling ashamed. I didn't have intercourse with him, but we did kiss and touch each other. Even though it was never my intention to take advantage of him 'cause I had genuine feelings for him, years later I started feeling horrible that I might have permanently altered his life in a terrible way. I even started questioning why I thought it was okay for me to even have feelings for him. We stopped dating a few months before I graduated high school and left for college. We are still friends to this day, but I fear that he might look back one day and think that I wanted to abuse him. I feel like a monster. I also feel horrible that no adult warned me or said anything to me at the time. In case you're wondering, in my state what we did wasn't illegal, but it still doesn't feel right to me.

The last situation was this: fast forward to college, after a repressed childhood and adolescence socially, romantically, and sexually, I had a promiscuous phase in college, which is never a good idea in my opinion, but I know that now. One night, one of the guys that I dated and met regularly with to watch movies and make out texted me around 10 PM and asked me if we wanted to meet. I said yes, unsure if it was for sexual purposes. On the way to my apartment he told me he had a few drinks but wasn't drunk. I was a little worried but I trusted him and he was already on his way. When he got to my apartment he was indeed not drunk, but I was feeling guilty that I could still be somehow taking advantage of him if something of a sexual nature happened. I welcomed him, and we just talked for like an hour or two. I had asked him if he wanted to meet to do sexual things and he said yes. I told him I was uncomfortable. After a while, he kept insisting that there was no issue and got on top of me and started to kiss me, but I let him. We didn't have sex, but I'm afraid that I may have done a bad thing. He stayed the night, and we had recurrent communication afterward, but like with the last situation, I'm afraid that he might look back someday and feel like he was abused.

That's pretty much it. There are days where I get really bad anxiety and I can't even function. I question if I should even be allowed out in society or if I could still have a family and kids. Am I exaggerating? Is it my OCD playing games on me? I have only ever talked about this with my girl best friend who has known me for years. She says that she knows me, and that I'm not evil, or a bad person, and that she loves me. However, I'm afraid that people who don't know me like that would judge me and hate me for it. It feels like a burden that I will deal with for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading all the way through this, and I hope I didn't have too many run-on sentences.

I have to admit I was expecting much much worse. If anything the last 'situation' just shows how good of a person you are for considering that when most people wouldn't. This is a very Pure-O thing to be concerned about and you're definitely not a bad person.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and for you feeling like you don't have acceptance or guidance from your family. Hopefully you're able to find that in friends or other mentors.

As for the second situation, my Dad starting dating my Mom when he was 18 and she was 15. They've been married for over 40 years and no one ever saw any issues with it. I see no moral issues with a 17 year old dating a 15 year old. I see what you mean that it starts to get a bit weird when you're 18 and they're 15, but truly there is nothing to hang on to here and definitely no reason to think yourself a bad person over it.

The first situation it sounds like you did a weird horny teenager thing, that horny teenagers tend to do. Most people in the world have some weird horny teenager thing they've done that they aren't particulary proud of, but that doesn't mean everyone in the world is a terrible person or psychopath. You deleted the photo and regretted it. This is nothing more than something you regret and then move on from.

You're so far from a bad person. Be kind to yourself. You are just someone who is suffering from OCD and it's gotten hold of this and spun it out into this giant thing, convincing you of terrible things about yourself. OCD is horrible and insidious. You absolutely HAVE to put measures in place to recognize it and break the OCD feedback loops. Sadly I think it's likely that your OCD will just find something else when you move on from this. You have to view this as an OCD issue now. It's not about whether you're a good person or not, or whatever the next OCD fixation will be - it's an OCD issue only.
The good thing is OCD can be managed and things can get wayyy better. It just takes time and work to get there.

I hope you find peace with this and are able to start recognizing your OCD for what it is.

Hi, thank you so much for your response. You have no idea how much your words mean to me, and you're right that it might just be a Pure-O thing. I think these days it's mostly driven by the fact that I work in media and I'm scared to be "exposed" or "canceled".

Before I leave, I wanted to share three more short events, and I would like to know your opinion, if that's possible. Lately, these situations (as well as the ones we discussed) have crept back into my mind, and they're triggering my obsession/anxiety. Some of these happened throughout my promiscuous phase, from 20 to 22. I hooked up with a lot of strangers, and I regret it. Specially because in two of these situations I was lied to. The timelines are a bit convoluted, so I hope it makes sense.

1. Not too long ago, when I was 22, I was at the club. I was dancing, already a little bit drunk, and a girl insisted that I kiss her friend. I asked what age he was and they told me he was 19, and I guess drunk me thought a kiss wasn't a bad thing, and we kissed. It didn't get touchy at all, it was just a kiss that lasted a few seconds. Later that night a friend of his told me he was actually 18 and still in high school, so I was apparently lied to. I felt disgusting, and irresponsible. I'm afraid that he could hold this against me, because on the internet I see a lot of people saying that much of an age difference is sick and disgusting. I didn't want to hurt anyone or expose them to irresponsible behavior, I just thought he was at least already in college and had more experience.

2. A few years before that, when I was 20, I hooked up with a guy I met on Grindr, which is supposed to be an 18+ app. We became friends and hung out about 4 times. Although we never had intercourse of any sort, we did kiss while watching movies. This year, I found out through a mutual friend of ours that he had lied to me about pretty much all of his identity, including his age. He had told me we were the same age when we were seeing each other, but he was 17. I called him on the phone and confronted him about it, he told me he didn't understand why I was so anxious about it (obviously it was my OCD being triggered), and he said it wasn't a big deal. Needless to say, my OCD kicks me in the ass about this almost daily. I feel like I have made so many mistakes because being promiscuous can be very irresponsible, and I was so immature not to see the possible consequences of meeting people that can put you in danger. Was I in the wrong for not finding out more about his background? Am I a predator?

3. Last but not least, I just remembered a time when I was 18, still in high school. I was staring at a guy's bulge in class, and he caught me.

I just feel like at this point I've remembered too many times where I have been irresponsible or where I can be framed like an evil person. I am scared that people would think it's been too many coincidences or too many mistakes on my end. I haven't had any sexual encounter in months, almost a year, and I stopped using Grindr. I don't want to expose myself to more situations that could aggravate my remorse or OCD.

Has your opinion of me changed after reading these stories as well?

I'm glad you found my post helpful. I imagine everything I said you already knew on some level, but sometimes it can be hard to give yourself permission to move on.

And no, my opinion hasn't changed, nor will it if you think of a few more inconsequential incidents like these. Though it does scream OCD that you're thinking through every possible thing in your life that could possibly mean you're a bad person. With OCD, you will tend to find relief in reassurance on your doubts, only for another doubt to pop in - 'what if this?' or 'what about this?' and 'does that mean my whole answer before isn't true because of ___?'
I was tempted here to not even respond to the new doubts about past experiences you posted because of this.

It is VERY dangerous to be reinforce that cycle of doubt and reassuring yourself. If you're not able to stop ruminating on it, it will just continue to make the anxiety/ruminating stronger every time you have a doubt. You have to start letting doubts go and not changing your behaviour because of them. It's the most difficult thing at first, but then after a bit it becomes surprisingly easy, until the odd time when it's surprisingly hard. Everyone's different, but it's the only thing that worked for me.

You're a good person that these events have even had an impact on you. But you need to stop looking for evidence that you're a bad person now, and work on managing your OCD instead. I truly hope you're able to let this all go and that this is the catalyst for you to start being kind to yourself and shutting down your OCD tendencies.