Reformed rapist does a drug, reoffends

i raped my girlfriend when i was 23. i was in almost a psychotic state when i did it. it was horrific. im posting this here because ive tried searching all over the internet for "what to do if you rape someone" or "how to change if you are an abuser" and i cant find ######6 anything. its weird that theres literally nothing on the internet for the perpetrators of abuse to change themselves. i cant afford therapy at all. basically i was really pushy with women as a teenager because i was told by both men and women that was how you got laid. you had to kind of be aggressive with them. i was not an aggressive person and so i didnt get laid until i was. i spent years travelling around the country having sex in consensual normal ways because what i did was attractive. after what i did when i was 23 i spent years changing myself and making sure to never even initiate with women, that led to me being very closed off and alone for a very long time.

ive been traveling the world for about 5 years now. i met a woman on the train in the UK about a year ago and she fell in love with me. she had the same name as a woman who always defended me who actually died of a heroin overdose 3 or 4 years ago. it felt like i was being given a chance by God to redeem myself.

we had sex maybe 10 times and it was really good, it was real lovemaking and extremely spiritual and beautiful. it was real. like the most amazing real beautiful thing ive ever experienced.

but i was worried that i wasnt satisfying her or something. maybe just because eventually she would have to go home and her presence was so amazing to me i was like "oh its ending now ive done something wrong"

i took viagra even though im like 29 and i dont really have an issue until the 3rd or 4th time with staying hard, whatever. i had a feeling multiple times like God was telling me "hey dont take this, your life will get as bad as it could possibly get if you take this, hey dont take this" like multiple times. but i ignored that feeling.

i did some bondage $#%^ with her for like an hour and a half, she really enjoyed it. i have a heart condition and pretty severe ptsd but basically, like i took this pill right before i saw her. after like an hour and a half i dont stop. and shes telling me hey can we chill and im just completely overwhelmed and almost like on an amphetamine or something. ive chilled out so much as ive gotten older and like i said, spent years reforming who i was so that i would never treat a woman badly again if i got the opportunity to fall in love. i really spent years changing who i was and researching how to love sincerely. i didnt stop. the whole night.

i woke up the next day and tried to hold her and basically like, her soul looked completely void. she told me not to touch her and that she didnt want to have sex with me anymore. i started freaking out like whats going on because i almost didnt realize what i was doing. like in the middle of the night i asked her "did you have a good time tonight?" and she literally forced herself to smile and nod at me.

i didnt know what i was doing.

so now my life is a horror show.

every moment is a nightmare and i cant really escape it.

i dont know how i could have done this and i dont know what to do now. i want to be dead all the time and i can feel, yeah that was my soulmate and instead im just a monster and a creator of more trauma for her.

her last boyfriend sexually assaulted her too.

i took so much love from the world with this and i dont see any meaning in anything.

i dont see any way of reforming myself now either. theres no real way to make peace with any of this or justify anything, and i always could justify or at least accept myself in the past because i knew deep down i was good, and aspired to be religious and a godly person. if there are any resources you could direct me to so i dont become any worse, just for the sake of public safety, i would appreciate it.

i cant handle this at all. the idea that im the bad guy. and the idea that ive done lifelong damage to a completely innocent person is sickening horrific and i can see her expression in maybe like 1/6th of people i see now. i can see her soul in other peoples eyes and stuff. i could always deal with the people who sexually assaulted me, and the people who wronged me, and the things that happened to me, but i cant deal with the idea that ive been this person. that im the bad guy. and that God gave me everything and that i could do this with it.

Have you considered therapy? Or meeting in a sexual addiction group?

I would also just suggest finding a partner into the more extreme stuff but BDSM does require consent to submit and also finesse on the part of the Dominant to know how far to push a scene, and no further, and the ability to respect the Safe Word. Not sure from this post, if that's a place you're at or not.

I would though consider therapy and see if there's some way to dig deeper and find out what's going on with sex, and what you can do to dial things down a bit. Also this reference to a psychotic state worries me- if you're not getting help for a genuine psychotic state, I'd think about it, if I were in your place. Life doesn't have to be this way.

i dont really have an interest in violent sex. she kept wanting me to hurt her during sex and something in me just grew over time almost like a demonic thing.
i cant get therapy because therapists want 50 euros for 30 minutes and i cant get that.
i really appreciate you responding though, thank you.
take care

Well I understand the affordability thing, if it's not under insurance.

As for the thing growing, well, we can't get into a discussion that crosses the line into anything that is covered in the old Paraphilias forum, but one gets a taste for things. Or as the old saw says, it's only kinky the first time?

I'm sorry things get out of hand. It's all about keeping a level of control, it seems.

You HAVE to make peace with yourself. It can't be undone, but my opinion is that a person has to make peace with themselves and move on and be a better person going forward. If you didn't want to be better, you wouldn't have posted here. So you do, so you can do this. I think that's also sometimes the only way we can make up for something to the person wronged. Is to try to be better.