I lied to a girl online and I am very guilty about it.

I am an Indian girl who is gay, lost my mom to Cancer at 21 and I was alone cause my mom was my everything and then was in an arranged marriage at 22 as per the hindu custom that said it would do some good to my mom, I didn't receive the emotional support from my ex-husband, and I couldn't sleep with him. I got divorced after a lot of struggle, moved to USA, and found a girl friend after being on a dating app for 2 days.

My family back home found out I was gay and disowned me, stopped talking to me for 3 years. I had to promise them that I am not gay just to have them back in my life ( I know most of you would think that's not right, but I still love my family and I didn't know anything apart from that, I did what I did). and then broke up with my girl friend ( not because of my family), because she we weren't emotionally compatible.

Then I ventured into online chatting ( wasn't looking for dating, just to make friends) and realized that the website I was on had a lot of scammers and many people weren't ready to speak to Asians for some reason. So, I used a fake name and just spoke to girls. This made me happy. I wasn't talking anything sexual. All I wanted was to talk to people whom I could relate with, cause I didn't know anyone in USA except my ex and I couldn't really talk about all this with anyone in my life. I was scared to come out to anyone. I never shared anything that went on in my life with anyone. I tried it with my ex, but she wasn't that supportive and it shut me out more.

Then, I met a girl, and started talking to her, she was very nice, it was fresh and nice talking to her. She was Asian too but from a different country. After a few weeks, I realized that I was falling for her. And she was flirting, caring, nice and the best. But , the problem was, I was using a fake name, told her a fake story ( I told her, my mum was still alive, and my parents were separated, and then I so badly wanted to mention my real mom, so I made her my step-mom in my story) and I told her all this in the first few days ( For the love of god, I don't why, I am going through therapy to understand all this). And then.. when my feelings got stronger, I was so scared to open up to her. And then, she slowly stopped flirting after the first 3 months, we slowly reduced talking a lot, and then it was mostly me hanging on to that relationship. When I try to back off, she talked a bit more ( Or not sure if this is all inside my head) and pulled me back into it. ( For example, there was a time where she didn't text me for 5 days straight, and so I stopped texting too, and then she texts so enthusiastically with a big hiiiii... and how are you) I saw her lying to me (Not that we were in a relationship, but she said she was busy with her family when she was talking on the app),. We never shared any deep personal or family details like last names and she never mentioned any social media details or asked me for mine. It was just chat, we exchanged phone numbers is all. We shared some small family stories and that's about it. she wasn't really talking to me anything deep or emotional and detailed.

I was so in love and I think am still in love and addicted to her that even though it hurt me, I still wanted her. I sent her birthday flowers, and for all 365x3 days - I wished her good morning and good night, checked on her if she had her meals all the time, spoke to her when she was down, and made sure she got home safe everyday and things like that - every single day for 3 years now. she did reply to my texts for the most part, but barely initiated any text. So, times, I don't get answers for my questions I had to pull my hair to find a topic to talk to her, cause she didn't initiate any conversation too often except for sharing some funny videos now n then. Shared some books and links for her to read n entertain. and she didn't even ask when my birthday was, but I didn't care cause in my head I loved her and I still do.

But, the guilt inside me kept building up that I was lying to this person whom I sincerely loved. Then, I didn't know how to confess, and then I made the worse mistake ever. I told her my mum was sick, and then after a few weeks, told her my mum passed away. but, that was my aunt who passed away in real. Even though they were lies I told her, I suffered so much for those weeks I lied. I went through all the emotions again when my mom passed. I loved my aunt too. but I should have told her the truth.

She wasn't really checking up on me, I was the one reaching out even during those times, but she did say prayer for my mum.

And then, finally the guilt got too much for me, I couldn't handle it anymore. I texted her ( We only texted, barely spoke on the phone 3 times for a few minutes in all these 3 years) that I loved her so much, but I don't deserve her. And I saw her take a screenshot of it and wanted to share it with someone, but accidentally shared it with me. ( she mentioned - close friend 7 years), and then deleted it immediately, - I am not even mad at her for this. and she replied saying... she appreciates me being honest, but she doesn't have any words for me. I said... I have a lot more to confess and I told her every thing I did. Confessed to all my lies ( I was so tensed that I couldn't really type much I said - I was divorced, moved here and then the person who passed away recently was my aunt, not my mum but I loved her a lot and she treated me as her kid). She said, I played her big time, and she prayed for my mum ( this is true ) and she can't believe what is real or not anymore. And she don't know what to say or think anymore. These were her last words to me.

Then, I texted her saying sorry, and begged for forgiveness, and then I started therapy, and then sent her a long text explaining everything I went through, and also the lies I told her. I also told her that I wasn't giving my problems in life as excuses for my lies, but I wanted to be honest with her since a while now, but I couldn't cause I didn't want to lose the one best thing that gave me happiness and I was selfish. And I wished her happiness and good health. and I never got a response. I think I deserve this treatment from her.

But, every time I read something or look at something, it triggers memories and the guilt of lying to someone I love is killing me. I am not sure how to get out of all this, but I couldn't feel OK unless I confessed, but I do think I missed a girl I loved very much. I didn't write this to blame the girl. She is what she was, it was all me. She was being a decent friend to me after the initial flirting and sexting, but I think I took it too far inside my head and spoiled everything with my lies. I also confessed everything I did to my therapist and a few friends I made here and also to my boss as she was concerned with my health since 4 months now when I went through all the lies and confession. I am very sorry for this lengthy comment, I just wanted to share my story with everyone, and request people to not lie. Sun, Moon and Truth cannot be hidden forever. If you don't confess, they will be found out. I couldn't stomach my lies anymore. I did a mistake. I am unable to forgive myself and unable to get over this guilt.

I am still not sure why I lied, but it never was to play her. I sincerely loved her from the little I knew of her. Everyone around says - You confessing or not, she wasn't into you and she wasn't a good friend. I don't believe that. I am not sure how to get out this loop of feeling guilty and remoseful that I lose her cause I lied. I don't know why I lied.

But there are few things I observed, when I said I had a mom and all, I think that made me feel safe in my head, a bit happy too. I know its not right, but it sure did.

I am doing therapy but it seems to be not helping. I am trying to socialize, but the thing keeps spiraling inside my head. YOU LIED, YOU LIED, YOU LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE... HOW COULD YOU LIE.. this is all I hear

Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, but, as you have experienced, it cam make things worse. I am glad you are in therapy though I wish it was helping more than it is.

be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot.

and the brain can be a funny thing. who knows why you lied, but i suspect it's because you just didn't feel like sharing your past trauma and getting into it again. whatever the reason, you've beat yourself up enough over it and you need to forgive yourself now. moving forward just try to be as honest as you can, and sometimes that means having difficult conversations. but in my experience, it's always better to be honest even though it's scary and more difficult -and that it never goes as badly as you think when you're honest with someone, as long as you do it from the heart.

but please let this go and forgive yourself.
all the best

Hi James,

Thank you much for your reply. I am trying to be very honest with everyone now. But, the thing is - I am unable to forgive myself. I keep repeating all the things I said to her, and though they didn't harm her in anyway except breaking the trust, I feel very bad about it. I just shared a happy version which I mind enjoyed. I never flaunted wealth or riches. It was always about mum and stuff like that. but, still, I don't have any reasons to defend myself. I feel extremely guilty cause she was a decent friend to me, in a way, my only friend I shared everything with for the past 3 years. I know I lied to her, but there is so much truth and love and care I shared too.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I am trying to forgive myself, and I hope and wish I won't be lost inside my head. It scares me a lot. I donno if I am going to be every happy again. I have a big black cloud inside my head, that keeps telling me.. U lied and u lied and now she is gone

-- Thu Jun 15, 2023 11:53 am --

Otter wrote:Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, but, as you have experienced, it cam make things worse. I am glad you are in therapy though I wish it was helping more than it is.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know why I lied. But never with an intention to harm her or extract money or something. I just did cause I think it made me a bit happy and secure back then and then it snowballed. But, still.. it was a mistake.. still is... and it keeps killing me.