I Sexually Assaulted my Sister and Want to Make Amends

About a year ago, old memories of me molesting or coercing my younger sister to do sexual actions resurfaced. They had always been at the back of my mind, but I had not recognized their severity until recently.

This started happening when I was possibly eight and continued until I was almost 10 years old, and when she was 4-6. I don't know exactly what started this, or why, but I remember that I used to get her to take off her pants and let me touch her genitals in exchange for me playing with her. I would touch her repeatedly until she got highly uncomfortable or wanted to continue playing with me. While it never escalated past this, I did have the urge to have sex with her multiple times but knew that it was wrong, and also knew that what I was doing and the way I was touching her was also wrong. although we would play normally most of the time, anytime we were alone I would do this. She always looked uncomfortable, and sometimes even angry, sometimes I believe close to crying.

At about a year into this, I had slipped my hands in her pants when my mother was watching. She reprimanded me, and started yelling, but no other punishment. After this, I had barely touched her except for a few occasions that following year. One day, I decided to touch her again and the following week my mother confronted me about it, saying that my sister had told her that I had touched her. Both my mother and father were outraged and started screaming louder than I Have ever heard them. However, there was no punishment for my actions, although I did feel extremely guilty, which they were aware of.

Currently, I do not think she remembers my actions, and neither do my parents. I have been clinically depressed (and also have ADHD) since I was at least 7 or 8 years old, and currently my depression is at an all-time high since remembering (although my mental health was rapidly declining beforehand any way's). I think about it often and get sick at how much my parents still care for me, and how much my sister does as well. Recently I have also fallen to child pornography, and while I have not looked at it for a while, the thoughts and urge are still there, even though my anxiety peaks and my self loathing makes me feel nauseous afterward.

I am now trying to become a better person and trying to take life seriously in a hope that it may make me a better person and help my depression. I think that my first step should be apologizing and telling her the truth of what I had done and attempting to make amens for it. Sadly, I am a coward and cannot find the courage within myself to talk to her about it, and don't even know what I should say. Essentially, I am asking what I should do. What I should say and things to make this as right as possible, as I know it won't ever be something I can make up to her, but would still like to try.

Thank you for reading

Hello and welcome to the forums.

Whether you get this off your chest to your sister is something only you can know for sure if that's a good thing to do or not. Sure, we can be cowards and not do an apology but that's only a part of the whole picture I think, and we're not there to know if that's a good idea or not, whether you think it will heal things, or whether it would actually be more harmful to bring that up with your sister. It may not be she even thinks much about it. Some kids grow up to not put much stock in things that happened as a kid. But then, some do, in spades.

I'm glad you're remorseful, but try to remember that as a kid, your mind wasn't fully developed and I can remember times that I know something was either 'off' or outright wrong, and did it anyway because the capacity for not acting on impulses is not yet wired in. So many kids act out with other kids sexually, then go on to quickly grow out of it because I guess the wiring to control inappropriate behaviour finally catches up with new hormones and/or new titillating discoveries.

There can be being too hard on yourself. Remorse is a useful tool, unless all someone does with it is beat themselves up over the head over and over. I'm glad you're determined to be a better person, but after a while you'll have to let this angst go and not eat you up. Guilt is something we have to carry with us for the rest of our lives but temper that with being a better person, and try to have a sense of proportion to the objective severity of what you did. I have to remind myself that things I have remorse over require me having a sense of proportion and try to moderate my self-loathing accordingly. Also, self-loathing doesn't make you a better person. That's not the same as being humbled.

MMryz wrote:Recently I have also fallen to child pornography,

Now what you want to do that for? Did this happen after you remembered what you did? You know that's not a good thing to be doing. I'd be a lot more worried over that, than being touchy with my sister as a child. This isn't a good thing to find yourself doing. Please don't do that anymore.

Snaga wrote:Now what you want to do that for?

The memories and me browsing child pornography are unrelated, and I found it accidently, but returned multiple times. it's been 2 months since I last looked. I'm not even truly sure why I kept going back, but I did and was fully aware that it was wrong. Thank you for responding as well, as I hadn't thought of it doing much more harm than good, although I probably would have waited for her to show any signs of remembering

MMryz wrote:The memories and me browsing child pornography are unrelated, and I found it accidently, but returned multiple times. it's been 2 months since I last looked

Well I'm sure you know that was not wise. I asked because I wanted to differentiate between a taboo subject for the sake of it; or a compulsion to prove/disprove obsessive fears. Either way, that needs to stay past tense.

MMryz wrote:Thank you for responding as well, as I hadn't thought of it doing much more harm than good, although I probably would have waited for her to show any signs of remembering

I tend to think the idea she doesn't remember is perhaps wishful thinking, certainly I would think your parents remember but likely cataloged it as being an errant child, and you're no longer a child. If your sister likes you, and things are stable, then it comes down to how you think she'd take an apology. I understand the urge to do so. But I'm not sure anyone can say if it's the best choice or not. It's like this- if by her actions she loves and accepts you, and isn't distant emotionally, then who is the apology really for? Is it worth breaking a good thing to ease your conscience? If she really has forgotten it, then why give her something that could make her unhappy? It seems to me the risk of making her miserable, just so you can do penance, isn't very charitable. If it's an urge for self-punishment, then perhaps the better self-punishment in that sort of case, would be to keep it to yourself, lest you compound things by wounding her heart.