Please help, really not sure what to do

I abused my spouse physically few times (almost 10 years back, do not recall exactly). I feel bad and I am able to stop it for last 6 years or so.

But the emotional wounds caused by me, has made my spouse abuse me by words almost every few days about me and my family for long time. Our Children (19 and 16) were also having issues (one with BPD and another yet to be diagnosed). I am unable to walk out of the relationship due to kids but we do have very strong arguments in front of them. In spite of me telling that we should not be fighting in front of kids, oral arguments / fights happen. I have told my spouse for us to stay together without any interaction till younger one move out. We did speak about divorce and my spouse says physical abuse should be mentioned in divorce papers.

I feel very bad for what I did. I feel worthless and really do not know how to come out of this mess. Any thoughts / suggestions / comments will be of great help.