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Trapped in shame.

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Trapped in shame.

Postby s0s12 » Wed Sep 15, 2021 1:32 pm

//TW, sexual abuse, incest

Hi everyone, hope you’re well.

I don’t even know how to start this, even writing this out is a challenge, accepting the reality.

I’m 22 now, but when I was around 10-12 (the time frames in my head are completely destroyed around this period in time), I think I sexually molested my cousins younger than me. I hate myself so much for this, there’s so much shame, remorse, guilt, fear… I’m terrified I destroyed someone else’s life, inflicting the type of pain I feel right now on them. I hate myself for doing it so much. I’ve contemplated suicide, gotten heavy into marijuana usage. I feel so sad that it feels like I threw away my life so early, it feels like I’ve been perpetually trapped in the moment I made the mistake. I can’t get it out of my head that I feel like I destroyed someone else’s childhood and life, stealing their innocence. I think of the two cousins I did it to a lot. One of them I’m still pretty in touch with, and I’m so happy that it seems like she’s grown into a well adjusted adult with a strong social circle. When she sees me she always wears a smile but I think she feels uncomfortable even though she never acts it, I feel so sorry for doing that to her, giving her a burden she never needed to carry. She was probably around 9 at the time it happened, we’d watch a movie and I’d have her put her hand on me while we watched it, or played hide and seek and did the same. I feel disgusted even typing this out, it just feels so wrong. The other cousin is the one that really breaks my heart, and to this day I haven’t been able to get over this at all. She was much younger than me, if I was 12 she must’ve been like 7-8 so 4/5 years younger than me. It started off with everyone just hanging out in the bed and we cuddled then eventually I asked her to kiss and put my… in her mouth. I’m not sure how much of it is present me painting over my past memories, but I think I remember feeling how bad what I was doing was in the moment and still did it, sparking off a decade of self-hatred. I don’t know why I did it. I’m not attracted to kids or a pedophile at all, I just don’t know why. She told my mum at the time and I lied and said I didn’t because I was scared, but this guilt ate me alive until last year when I confessed to her. She told me it was childhood sexual experimentation and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it, and just to use it to inform all my future decisions, which I definitely have been, I despise anyone who breaks another persons boundaries sexual or not, and make sure to use that respect in all the relationships I’ve had (though I’ve felt it’s not fair to get into a relationship with another person, why be with someone who touched their cousins when you can be with someone who hasn’t?) I asked her if she could set up a way for me to apologise to her, but she said it’s better that I don’t because I don’t even know if or how she remembers it, on top of her saying it can cause more harm than good. I don’t know what to do here but I do think it’s pretty selfish of me to only think of myself in trying to make this apology. I’ve resolved to be there for any of them in the future, and to be a support system for my friends, especially of the opposite sex.

Growing up my childhood was pretty good, well off family, good school, all that stuff. My home life wasn’t the greatest, my father cheated on my mum quite a bit so it was constant turmoil, resulting in him moving away when I was 10, 11, or 12, I don’t really remember. We eventually moved to where he was too, stayed with him for a couple months then he ultimately had to kick us out to our own place because of my parents relationship situation and stuff, neither here nor there on the details.

So basically throughout my childhood there was underlying turmoil, and when I was around 8 the boys in my school started getting into porn. I remember seeing other boys in my class performing extremely suggestive acts on some of the girls in my class, even some of them showing off their erections in class. Sometimes I’d call some friends after class to play games and they’d say “give me a minute, we’re watching porn together right now.” It’s sad how normal it was. It made me see it as normal. I remember going to a restaurant with my parents and my uncle and my uncle showing me a porn video under the table away from my parents eyes then him showing my parents and them getting kinda annoyed, but this was so long ago I barely remember. Some time after that someone from my class sent me a link to a porn site, and it’s been stuck with me ever since. It was like a rush I had never felt before, and more importantly my head went quiet. At first it was normal stuff, then I started getting into hentai since I was into anime and cartoons at the time, and with that came all the insanity of hentai. I think by 10 I was completely addicted, finding out new fetishes(? if you can even call them that) through hentai. Then I started seeing that there was hentai with people around my age at the time and started viewing that. I think it was around that time when the incidents started happening.

I feel so deeply remorseful and just bad about this. I don’t know how to live with myself, there’s a voice in my head constantly telling me I’m a pedo or a selfish piece of $#%^ person, and sometimes I find myself agreeing with the second part, but I know I’m not attracted to kids or even view that $#%^ anymore. To this day I still watch porn, but there’s no cathartic relief anymore, only remorse and guilt, and disgust. Especially when real people are performing because it feels like I can’t get off unless it’s to some very “pornified” sex. I just want to be able to feel relief; I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m a selfish ###$ because even in a situation like this where I’m the one who ###$ up I can only think of myself over the victims.

I feel like it’s past the point where I can be considered a good person and that sucks but it feels like that’s my cross to bear, sometimes I feel like I want to die but also want to live a good life. Sorry for the long read, it’s the first time I’ve ever spoken much about this stuff. Any words of help or advice are appreciated.
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Re: Trapped in shame.

Postby sprock » Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:30 pm

Honestly I think your cousin's words are good ones - you know already how much you care about others' boundaries and that bringing this up to your other cousin would very likely be crossing her's. IDK... I think I've only started feeling somewhat normal and have a healthier relationship with others since I gave up on the idea of being "saved", ironically. I don't actually believe in Hell so I don't even know what it would mean to be saved. It's just a gut feeling... which suggests it is OCD. It is tricky because we know that our obsessive rumination is rooted in something that society would //expect// us to ruminate upon. But, ultimately, once you start respecting your own boundaries, it becomes weirdly easier not to make others uncomfortable... it sounds like you've done better in that regards than me. I used to talk incessantly at people about what I'd done... and it was just continuing the inappropriate boundaries really. I think a lot of epiphany55's reflections on this topic are the wisest I've read. I resisted them at first, to my detriment.
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Re: Trapped in shame.

Postby s0s12 » Fri Sep 17, 2021 6:08 pm

sprock wrote:Honestly I think your cousin's words are good ones - you know already how much you care about others' boundaries and that bringing this up to your other cousin would very likely be crossing her's. IDK... I think I've only started feeling somewhat normal and have a healthier relationship with others since I gave up on the idea of being "saved", ironically. I don't actually believe in Hell so I don't even know what it would mean to be saved. It's just a gut feeling... which suggests it is OCD. It is tricky because we know that our obsessive rumination is rooted in something that society would //expect// us to ruminate upon. But, ultimately, once you start respecting your own boundaries, it becomes weirdly easier not to make others uncomfortable... it sounds like you've done better in that regards than me. I used to talk incessantly at people about what I'd done... and it was just continuing the inappropriate boundaries really. I think a lot of epiphany55's reflections on this topic are the wisest I've read. I resisted them at first, to my detriment.


Thanks for hearing me out.

My mum was the one who gave me those words actually, I haven’t spoken about any of this to my cousins, I feel like that would cross a boundary I don’t have a right to. I’ve been trying hard to let this go but its hard, I just take it day by day, some are hard, others not so much. I think it could be OCD, sometimes doesn’t even feel like they’re my thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why I did what I did, I just want to move past it.

Also what is epihpany55?
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Re: Trapped in shame.

Postby sprock » Sat Sep 18, 2021 8:34 am

This is his profile: https://www.psychforums.com/epiphany55-u254001/

He has a lot of really useful replies.
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Re: Trapped in shame.

Postby s0s12 » Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:39 pm

sprock wrote:This is his profile: https://www.psychforums.com/epiphany55-u254001/

He has a lot of really useful replies.


Thanks. I can’t check it out though since for some reason it says I’m not authorised to.
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Re: Trapped in shame.

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:44 pm

s0s12 wrote:
sprock wrote:This is his profile: https://www.psychforums.com/epiphany55-u254001/

He has a lot of really useful replies.


Thanks. I can’t check it out though since for some reason it says I’m not authorised to.


You're still too new a member to search other members' posts. Ironically however, you can do a Google search, taking the form of:

Code: Select all
epiphany55 site:psychforums.com


in the Google search bar.
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