Regret of shifting pornographic interest in the past

Hi all,

I'm currently in a hard time. I've had this feeling about 3 years ago as well, it was part of a deep depression. The covid situation in the world doesn't seem to help to put things in perspective. Good to know, I do suffer from obsessive OCD and this probably works towards increasing the feeling of guilt and maybe making things bigger than they are.

To start off, I've watched a lot of porn, mostly daily with the exception of being on holidays. I also noticed I started to move from softcore to more hardcore stuff. When I was 25 I started to live in Amsterdam (I'm 33 now). I went partying a lot and also used drugs occasionally. You must now, that's not really a weird thing to do when living in Amsterdam. We are talking about cocaine, speed and XTC. It was not really out of control and I have not used it the past 5 years.

After a party and still under the influence of the drugs I tended to be more aroused and looking for more "edgy" stuff. Anything new would be more interesting to the stuff that I had seen before. I'm not blaming the drugs, but I do feel it contributed to looking for more "exciting" taboo material.

Long story short, I started looking at younger and younger teens. It was no porn, it were "posing" images of girls aged 10 and up. Not naked, but clearly inappropriate. I masturbated once (or max. 2 times) to it. I even went on the dark web to look for CP, but I'm really honest that I did not find it and really happy now that I did not. The mere thought that I would have masturbated to that kind of stuff would have made it worse.

You must know, I really am (** mod edit, 'not')) sexually interested in children and feel solely attracted to girls my own age (and sure a bit younger but nothing extreme/illegal). I can't deny that I do feel physically interested in girls 16 and up, but I don't have any mental interest in them. I actually think that's natural and nothing to worry about.

Still, now years later, I'm really disappointed in myself. A disappointment that's now again slowly drifting to a depression and a guilt that makes me feel like a monster. I feel like a bad person and everything you read online or see on TV only makes me feel worse. People looking at CP should die or are monsters. Well I was close at actually finding it and I'm happy I didn't, but I did actually look for it out of excitement/novelty.

As said, I don't believe I'm a pedophile, I've had POCD but even with OCD I can assure myself that I'm not attracted to children. But I still feel like a monster sometimes*. Please also note: I no longer have any interest in looking for these kind of imagery.

I feel bad, but I want to be a good human. I care about people (and also children ofcourse). Now that my friends are also getting children I feel extra bad for these things I looked for..


* I do want to say that if you are an actual pedophile (interested in prepubescent children) and are reading this, I don't think you are a monster. I believe it's just the way you are born. It's a sexual orientation that needs attention to prevent bad things from happening, but you are not a bad person for being born this way. It's a shame the Paraphilias Forum is closed, not being able to discuss these kind of subjects makes things only worse.

Hello and welcome!

lamosa wrote:You must know, I really am sexually interested in children and feel solely attracted to girls my own age (and sure a bit younger but nothing extreme/illegal). I can't deny that I do feel physically interested in girls 16 and up, but I don't have any mental interest in them. I actually think that's natural and nothing to worry about.

I don't put words in peoples' mouths via moderator editing, but for clarification I'm pretty sure you meant to put a 'not' in there, from the rest of the context, yes? I wanted to make special note of that for anyone reading this thread.

I think you summed it up in the word 'taboo'. There's a draw to the taboo that many folks have- I'm no exception. Add to that, mind-altering substances, and there you go. I'm glad, by the way, you didn't find any, either. Even accidentally finding dodgy material can really mess with your mind.

lamosa wrote:I can't deny that I do feel physically interested in girls 16 and up, but I don't have any mental interest in them. I actually think that's natural and nothing to worry about.

I agree, I think we're wired to glom onto youth, within reason- youth equals fertility, and most species do tend to be programmed to perpetuate themselves. What sets us apart from beasts is that we can moderate that wiring with Reason- we can find a teenager cute simply because we're not blind; or dead. It does not follow we have any more than an appreciation from afar and know anything more than that is being a pervy old fart. I find the half-your-age plus seven rule to be pretty handy, once you've cleared 21 or 22 years old, yourself.

I think you really need to just forgive yourself for flirting with this particular taboo, and move on- in the end you weren't a consumer of CP, and you aren't a pedo, and you haven't actually harmed anyone. You know to stay out of murky waters.

lamosa wrote:But I still feel like a monster sometimes*. Please also note: I no longer have any interest in looking for these kind of imagery.

Pretty sure you're not a monster- yet it's also a sign of encouragement that you're driven to feel guilty, even though I think it's time to put that guilt behind you. Sometimes the burned hand learns best- it stings your conscience to a degree that you don't sound as if you want to play near that rabbit-hole ever again.

lamosa wrote:but you are not a bad person for being born this way. It's a shame the Paraphilias Forum is closed, not being able to discuss these kind of subjects makes things only worse.

Agreed it doesn't mean someone's automatically a bad person- but there's a reason we can't have nice things here and it's not because of good persons.

Hi Snaga,

Thanks for your reply and indeed, I meant that I really am not sexually interested in children. Can you edit that for me please? I can't seem to edit my post.

I think it's mostly my OCD making me feel worse than the actual acts in the past themselves. I even wanted to reassure myself by looking at similar pictures again and trying to understand what and if I felt something and how I could had any interest in it. Well.. lesson learned, that only makes it worse because you can create another guilt for doing so

No checking, ever! Checking is bad; it never resolves anything from what I can see. I understand the theory behind exposure as in ERP- I approve of that. Someone with bad POCD feels triggered looking at images of children or being around them- suck it up and do it anyway, sure.

But this intentional checking while being on hyper-vigil for sexual stimulation that people do with regards to HOCD or POCD seems ill-advised. Especially when they check by trying to get off on the stuff. Look, a person can fap enough times to photos of giraffes until they think they're a Artiodactylaphile, out of sheer repetition- still doesn't make you one, but Pavlov's dog (or Sheldon's Penny), for crying out loud...

Please try not to 'check'.