Zoophilic OCD and guilt.

Hello, I'm here because I need to get some things off my chest that have been haunting me for the past few years.

Content warning for all kinda terrible stuff, you can probably guess what from the title

First of all, background here is really important. I think most of this stuff can be traced back to my childhood. I got exposed to fairly graphic pornography as a young child, around 9 to 10 years old. Most of the stuff i consumed back then furry porn, i don't know why I was/am fixated to it, but i guess there was something familiar and comforting about them being cartoons. Nonetheless, this quickly led me to watching all kinds of graphic material, everything from tentacles to drawings of feral dogs and rape, things that definitely didn't give me a healthy perception of sexuality. At this time I also started watching furry porn of young characters, I was attracted to them since i was young myself, and didn't really know any better. This habit persisted well into my teenage years, and I've only managed to stop watching that stuff about a year ago, naturally this has been an endless source of guilt and POCD thoughts for me.
A bit later, when i was around twelve or thirteen, I had several sexual interactions with my dog, letting her lick my groin area. I'm not sure why I did those things, I think it was something I had gotten from online, but i remember feeling extremely guilty every time I did it. In conjunction with this, I unfortunately masturbated to actual real zoophilic material in this point in my life.

At 13 I also sent into therapy for OCD, I had really bad violent intrusive thoughts which thankfully were mostly resolved during the next few years of therapy. It was a whole ordeal of itself, but that's not what i want to talk about here. During these few years in therapy, when I was 15, I also met my first boyfriend online. He was also into very graphic furry stuff, and definitely wasn't a good influence on me. We would RP online, send eachother dicpicks and things like that. It's goddamn astounding how I didn't notice all the red flags going off around this guy. He would prompt me to take part in some really strange sexual behaviours. One time he insisted I masturbate into my underwear and wear them to school the next day. I went along with it and felt horrible the whole way through. Of course I couldn't tell that to him and instead pretended I liked it. Jesus christ, I feel repulsed even thinking of that. One other extremely creepy instance was when we were watching a movie, and he commented on the child actors' "cute bulges". That bothered me a lot, but i once again didn't confront him about it.
Finally, towards the end of our relationship, he told me that he was a zoophile. He told me how he would masturbate to bestiality porn, and when I opened up about my own experiences, he insisted that it was all okay. At this point in my life I was at a very vulnarable point, I didn't really have anyone in my life to talk about my feelings and fears other than this guy. I trusted in him way too much, he was pretty much the only person in my life that knew my deepest secrets. For some reason I told him things I wouldn't even tell my psychologist! So naturally, when he told me there's nothing wrong with being a zoophile, and when he told me he was one himself, I took it for gospel. This threw me completely off mentally, I had still been feeling extremely guilty about watching bestiality porn when I was younger, and now the guy who I trusted probably the most in life said that I shouldn't! After this I decided "to embrace my feelings", I reasoned to myself that the best way for me to not feel guilty about those things anymore, was just to embrace the title of a zoophile, since there was nothing wrong with it. At this time I masturbated to zoophilic content again for the last time in my life, and talked about the subject sexually with him. This all lasted for about a week, until I had a complete mental breakdown. I realized how goddamn wrong all of it was, and I blocked any and all contact with my boyfriend.

I am 17 now, and there's been about 1,5 years since this whole ordeal. During this time my OCD has resurfaced, I keep having intrusive thoughts about dogs and zoophilia in general, and I am constantly afraid of being a zoophile. I keep ruminating over these events again and again, trying to reason to myself than I am not infact, a zoophile. I don't think I am actually attracted to animals, but all those things I've done in the past seem like they contradict that, even though I hated myself through pretty much every second of them. The fact that I can't find a cohesive explanation for why I did those things other than me being a zoophile is slowly driving me insane! Who masturbates to bestiality porn if they're not attracted to it!? It's horrible. I have terrible self-worth because of all this, whenever someone treats me well, I ask myself if they would still treat me that way if they knew all the stuff I've done. Whenever I catch myself feeling happy I start thinking of these things and ask myself if I really deserve it. I love my family from the bottom of my heart, but I'm afraid they wouldn't love me if they knew how I really was. On good days I can tell myself that I masturbated to that stuff because of the thrill of it being something taboo and unique, not because I am specificly attracted to animals. My porn addiction had made me pretty numb to vanilla stuff in the first place, and I was constantly searching for something "kinkier" to get me off. On bad days I can't really bring myself to believe that, and I just lay in my bed out of anxiety.

All of it has been getting worse now that the summer holidays have started and I'm all alone with my thoughts. I feel like I should talk to a psychiatrist, but I am afraid of worrying my parents, since they think I'm doing well with my OCD. I'm also really scared of being appointent my old psychiatrist, and having tell her I lied to her all that time about being well because I was still visiting her at the time of that relationship.

I just wanted to get these things out of my head, tell about them to someone, even if it's some anonymous people online, since I don't have anyone to tell them about in real life. Any advice is of course more than welcome, I really need to talk about this.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading

I think it is important to remember that while you have had some horrible images put into your head (and put some there yourself as a consequence of this) you have not directly abused another person. While such imagery is illegal for good reason, it also does not sound as though you economically contributed to the continuation of such abusive practices. While your behaviour with your dog was deeply inappropriate, it also seems unlikely to have been traumatic for them. My main concern is over the age of your online boyfriend when you were 15. Obviously having sexual interactions with someone of your age online is illegal, especially since there seems to have been deliberate corruption of a minor. At 17 you are still technically a child and I wonder if at 18 you will be able to draw a line in the sand between "child you" and "adult you". I genuinely believe you deserve to do so.

In response Sprock, it seems that in my frantinc writing I left a really important detail out whic was my boyfriend's age. He was a year older than me at the time (16), and I had his identity and age verified to the tee. Thankfully no catfishing, or exploitation of a minor by an adult took place.

I partly wrote the intial post in a half-panicked mindset, so a good portion of the descriptions of my mental state seem a bit hyperbolic in hindisght. I'm glad to say I'm doing much better now than I described in the intial post, and that I'm no longer in full "crisis mode". Nonetheless it's assuring to have been able to tell about my situation here, and to be able to hear someone else's assesment on the situation.

Thank you kindly for your reply!

I know this is a couple of months late but holy crap we have lived very similar lives. I guess I just wanted to say that you aren't alone and I hope that you have talked to a psychologist about this. I am like three years older than you but our generation has had access to so much from a very young age and we are the ones who have spent a majority of our youth online 24/7.

Unfortunately, adults didn't realize that there were dangers associated with the internet outside of creepy dudes on chat websites. I hope that for the younger generation's sake there is more regulation around porn and its accessibility. We were kind of the guinea pigs of the internet and I honestly think a lot more people will come out with similar experiences. I hope that you have managed to receive the therapy you need. Please take care of yourself.