I posted here 6 years ago, and I am feeling worse still.

I posted my story here when I was 20 or so. I am 26 now. I was feeling intense guilt about childhood experimentation when I was like 11 or 12 that I feel went too far. I had gotten in trouble for doing something sexual with a younger neighbor when I was 11 or 12, things that I had learned from someone else. Anyways, I keep having the crazy intense feelings that my life is ruined, because maybe I ruined someone else's life. I see stories online of like "I was abused by someone 40 years ago and I still can't get over it" and it kills me. It seems to be the one thing that time does not heal. And it was something that I potentially did.

I am in a state of panic. I am moving back to my hometown, and do not want to run into this person. I have considered suicide numerous times recently. I revealed to my 2 closest friends that I believe I have OCD over something sexual that I did when I was a kid. They told me that I need to get therapy and they want the best for me.

I am wondering, can I tell pretty much any therapist this? I keep feeling like I am actually just a bad person and am telling myself it's OCD. I was considering seeing an OCD specialist when I get home. The reason why people have told me it is OCD is because I replay the event millions of times in my head, every single day, looking for clues that will help me remember the specific age I was to relieve some guilt or remember anything else specific. I am wondering if most therapists will want to help me, or instead view me with disgust? I am very scared to talk to a therapist about my predicament.

I also am worried that I must remain single for the rest of my life. I have been single for 6 years and I worry that I should not be allowed to date anyone. Even if I did, I feel that they would have to know about my childhood or else I will be a bad person for not telling them all about my issues that I worry about. No woman is going to want to be with a dude with this type of baggage.

I have began to drink heavily in the past couple of years. I literally can not handle the hell that is my mind. I am scared to die as well. I am worried that any attempt of suicide would result in me becoming a vegetable, and I would also feel bad for ruining my parents' lives.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I unfortunately have a similar past and I've been going through the same kind of rumination as you.

Ultimately we're just humans. And so is anyone who thinks they can judge you. I can promise you that anyone who thinks they earned any kind of moral high ground is clueless. You think those people couldn't have gotten confused when they were teens if their circumstances had been different? Of course they could've. Nobody has any business thinking they can judge someone else. Jesus taught this for a reason (and it applies even if you're not religious, because it is simply a fact).

I know in my case, if someone else, someone who thinks they are inherently better than me, were abused and gaslighted the way I was, they probably would've made the same mistakes as me.

On a related note, more advanced nations only imprison people to protect society from further wrongdoing and to rehabilitate the person being imprisoned. There's no lifelong registry, there's no charging clueless kids with crimes, etc.

My point here is simple. We have to adopt a less emotional and more rational view. Humans make mistakes even if they have good or neutral intentions.

I know this is not a solution for you. I don't know if you can tell therapists about it but I think so, and I think it'll remain confidential except if the therapist thinks there is a current risk of new offences.

> I see stories online of like "I was abused by someone 40 years ago and I still can't get over it" and it kills me

I don't mean to diminish this kind of experience, but these people are also capable of the same things that hurt them, because they are human and there isn't a human alive who never transgressed against anyone else. This is why we have to forgive people who are honestly sorry.

I don't mean at all that they are not suffering, or that you don't owe them a debt. But they'd also have to be cold hearted not to be able to forgive someone who is genuinely sorry and willing to make it up in any way.

therapy can help. you neednt tell the therapist about it right away. it took me 6 months to convince myself that yes i can confess everything to this therapist. therapist gives right perspective.