torn up inside after unforgivable mistake

I'm a 22 year old guy, and I'm struggling with something I did when I was 19.

i have a wonderful family but I failed myself as a teenager, and was very depressed and lonely as a result. a year after i finished highschool i had few friends and the ones i did were busy; all the girls i pursued rejected me, I was still a virgin. i was incredibly sad and desperate and joined a facebook group of teenagers, hoping to find a sexting partner for some quick release.

i messaged a few girls from there, and started talking to one. I was already masturbating and we exchanged ages; I was 19, and she said she was 12. I had not expected her to be that age nor was looking for someone that young, but in that moment I told myself that i didnt care, I was desperate and depressed and crazed, so I sent her a dick pic, said some disgusting things, kept on masturbating. she was disconcerted by this and stopped, but I had done the unforgivable already, and with so little difficulty. I would never do it again, but its too late.

I cant get over this awful thing i've done, which to me is so evil and irredeemable. i have never had interest in young girls, which makes it so hard to understand, and I never thought id be capable of something like it, but I still made a horrible decision that is haunting me all the time. I want to tell my psychologist but I'm afraid that he'll tell the police even though Im not a risk to anyone.

everyday i cant stop feeling sick with guilt, and everything I come across seems just so small and irrelevant compared to the fact that I'm keeping a monstrous secret to myself. i cant stop thinking what my parents would think of me if they knew.

I know I have my whole life ahead of me, I cant commit suicide and destroy my family's lives (even though I want to), how do I forgive myself and move on?

Wow, this is a heavy one.

First of all, please do not kill yourself. Whatever wrongs you have committed, doing so would not only deprive you of your life but would also prevent you from doing good deeds to offset the not so good ones.

I would definitely seek counsel from your psychologist. It is clear that this is weighing on you very heavily, and moving on from this without professional help may be extremely hard. You are right, however, depending on your jurisdiction, the psychologist may be required to report what happened, if they deem that you are possibly still a risk to minors. Due to the genuine remorse you have expressed, and the fact that you have not repeated your actions since, I tend to believe you when you say that you aren't -- but a trained professional (which I am not) might not see things the same way. If they do report you, you will need to accept the fact that you will likely be investigated by the law, and for good reason: In just about every jurisdiction, it is unlawful and frowned upon for an adult, even a young one at 19 years of age, to have sexual contact, even online, with a child -- and that is what a 12 year old is, a child. I hope that you will accept that your case is very different than, say, an 18 year old or a 19 year old sexting a 16 year old. I hope you can empathize with the 12 year old that may have been negatively impacted by this experience.

This being said, do I think you are an evil person, or an irredeemable person? No, absolutely not. I think you are a good person who made a very bad judgement call for your age. I believe you have learned a major lesson here and trust that you will never repeat your actions. You have your entire life still ahead of you to make up for what has occurred. I think moral redemption is very possible for you, and I don't think this is something that you will have to have on your conscious for eternity, once you get help to come to terms with the past -- just know that getting the help you need to move on may result in legal action against you, and that that is a fact that you will need to own up to and accept, as the law would not be in the wrong to intervene.

While I don't disagree with the fact that what you did was wrong, I do not think it is useful or accurate to label it as unforgivable - not least b/c that decision can only ever sit with the victim ultimately. I think it is unlikely to have permanently traumatised the 12-year-old in question, but it certainly could have been an unpleasant, uncomfortable or distressing experience for her. At the very least it has made the internet less of a safe space for her and that alone is sad.

However, I think the most important thing to do is not to hurt yourself (which you do not deserve and would accomplish nothing) but to talk to your therapist about this. I think it is unlikely to result in you being turned in, but Manwë is write to say that this is a possibility. Ultimately I think facing up will be more liberating for you in the long-run.

That said, there are the needs of the girl to consider and she is still a minor. This may not be something she wishes to be dragged into. As such, you might wish to address the issue with your therapist in broad, vague terms, saying that a few years ago you did something online that was wrong and that you want to talk about your feelings surrounding it.

Otherwise, maybe you could write a letter to yourself about this? Try to be emotionally honest with yourself - and that means being compassionate as well as condemnatory

I've not found it easy sitting honestly with my worst actions, but over time it helps you look yourself in the eye in the mirror to some extent again.

Take it slow and try to be gentle with yourself.

Kind regards,
Sprock