did something terrible when I was 15 years old.

This is a new user since I lost my old credentials, sorry Sprock.

Any way, I just wanted to share this since I feel terrible. This happened about 20 years ago.
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When I was a child, as far as I can remember I had kind of a sense of sexual things, I mean I knew what sex was and all that stuff than most kid doesn't understand very well, I didn't understand it maybe, but I knew what sex was, any way. When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I had a sexual encounter with my best friend, we both are males, I was sleeping at his house and we planed to stay awake so we could had sex when everyone was sleeping, and we did it.

Around the same age there was this girl about one or two years older than me, we used to hide and make out, it was a bit strange to me, but I think I liked it and it was fun, but now that I think about it, her behavior seems a bit strange, but maybe she was just experimenting and I was around.

Other similar things happened when I was around 8 or 9 years old with other boys, we didn't have sex, but we did sexual and inappropriate stuff for kids our age.

Anyway, I don't want to detail what I have done so I just write it as it is.... when I was a bit older I started to dry humping my cousin, she is about 8 years younger than me, but later when I was 15 years old there was genital contact. I know there was no pain, or violence, I didn't threat her or even planed it like that. I am telling this just to put some context, and not trying to minimize what I did.

I felt terrible and never happened again. but the guilt, shame and regret remains. I feel like there is no value in myself. I live mostly a normal life, but I am not happy, all things seems a bit dark, I can't concentrate 100% on the things I like or my work, I can't even dance, I feel I don't deserve nothing good, and when I get something good it feels a little wrong.

I decided to apologize and started therapy to make it in the best way possible but it feels like it isn't helping. Still not sure if it is right to make an apology. I still feel worthless, and the worst part is it may hurt the people that loves me when they found about it. I mean I am aware that I can lose them and I am kind of ok with that, I get it, but I don't want them to suffer or change their way they see the world. it is impossible I know.

Sorry, this is very confusing and lacks a lot of context and situations, but I don't want to make details.

I did a lot of other wrong stuff later in life (nothing like what I did to my cousin), because I was already lost or tainted, but for the most part I am trying to be a better person, but it feels very empty when I say it, it feels like I don't have the right to make things right. but I still try to do the right things, even if it is hypocritical.

Sorry again, not sure what I am trying to do with this.... thank you for reading. just gong to end this post now, not sure how to finish it.

My feelings are the same and those I gave before - I think it's important to hold the fact that what you did was wrong, but also the fact that you were a child. You shouldn't be any harder on yourself than you would be to any other 15-year-old kid guilty of the same. That's not to say that regret is inappropriate, but that it would be wrong to tell any 15-year-old that they were forever tainted or cut-off from life due to something they did

Thank you for the reply Sprock.

I am currently struggling with the fact that I must bring this to light, my therapist say it is important to let my wife know about this, but I think it won't fix anything or maybe it will make things more difficult for everyone. But I am open to do it if there is some real gain for the people around me.

Thank you again for your reply.

Though your guilty feelings are apparent and genuine, there is still hope to cleanse your heart of your past actions. With real repentance of what you did, you can start the purifying process slowly; do good acts to make up for the things you did.

Thank you Healthfreak, I am working on that, Therapist said I should forgive myself but it is the hardest part, I want to do it, I just don't know how.

regret1793 wrote:Thank you Healthfreak, I am working on that, Therapist said I should forgive myself but it is the hardest part, I want to do it, I just don't know how.

Perhaps you see the bad and good stuff you've done in life as a scale of sorts. In your mind, the things you've done when you were 15 are still vastly heavier than all the good stuff you've done.

Because of this, you might feel you "owe" the world many, many good things in order to even the scales and be "forgiven" by the world.

Maybe this is what troubles you in your daily life, you feel a pressure to pay back your mistakes and consume yourself 24/7 trying to find ways to do it.

Perhaps the best way to go around this is to accept that what happened, happened. As hard as it may be for you, perhaps you should consider that what you did wasn't so "heavy" so as to weigh down your whole life.

regret1793 wrote:Therapist said I should forgive myself but it is the hardest part, I want to do it, I just don't know how.

Well first decide what you actually want. For example, perhaps you feel like if there was any bad will etc... from your cousin that perhaps you want to see her feel as good as she possibly can given the circumstances. And perhaps you want to try to minimize hurting others in a similar way. No one is perfect but most of us can improve if we focus on doing so.

Lets assume that is your objective (being better and helping your cousin) ask yourself if the amount of blame and self punishment is helping you achieve that goal? If feeling terrible is making your cousin feel better and also the only thing that keeps you from hurting others then maybe non-forgiveness is the right answer.

On the other hand maybe you can achieve more good by understanding what happened and letting go of the guilt etc... not because everything is suddenly ok but more because you will probably be most effective at making the world a better place from this point forward without the heavy weight on yourself. All those self deprecating hours could be replaced with planning to do some good in the world.

So the selfish thing is to keep blaming yourself wallow in pity. Now that you have grown up you probably need to accept forgiving yourself so you can be the best person for yourself and others you can be. In the end you will be a good person who did lots of good things and some bad things but mostly good things over his lifetime and there is quote a lot to be proud of in that.

Thank you all for the replies.

It feels good to read that kind of things, I've felt more at ease the weeks and with a bit more clarity on things. Not sure if I am starting to forgive myself or what but at least I feel less like a piece of $#%^.

There is still a lot of issues, like not being sure to discuss this with my wife or not, but for the most part it feels like things are going in the right direction.

Thank you all. if you have any more advice or anything else to say, I am still reading this forum from time to time.

Nice people do crappy things. Crappy people do nice things. It really isn't an either / or.

Looking at it another way you were a piece of $#%^ when you did that but aside from that situation you have been better, done some good stuff and aim to not be a $#%^ in the future.

That is pretty much all one can do in life. Don't waste time beating yourself up when that time could be used to make yourself a better person. Everyone will benefit from the efforts to make yourself better. And we all need to be better anyways so your definitely not alone in the should make yourself a better person club.

I think the idea of "forgiving yourself" is an inherently difficult concept because, at the end of the day, you'll think and feel what you'll think and feel. There is no "you" and "yourself" as separate people, there's just you, thinking what you think. That might not seem so helpful at first, but remember, you today are not you of the past, feeling remorse is good and a sign that you have grown and bettered as a person, but moving past the related feelings of depression and low self worth is a slow process of learning to accept that your past cannot be changed, but that it does not dictate who you are today, or what your future should be.

I too have chronic guilt and remorse that shapes how I see myself, and the best advice I can give you is to accept that you will always have these feelings in some way, if you didn't, you probably wouldn't really be remorseful, and to work with them as a motivating force to be better.