Need help I feel horrible.

So I’m turning 30 this year. Basically when I was around 10 I was at a friends house and he always had porn around the house and the parents were never their and the youngest kid they always had running around with no clothes on. I remember one time me and the friend who would of been 2 years younger than me said he used to do oral to a cousin and he told me if I wanted to try it from the video we watched. It lasted not long but I do remember him putting his mouth on my private part but it was only once and didn’t last long. There was also a couple times where we touched each other’s privates and we touched the younger brothers. I remember coming upstairs and seeing him do things to his brother but I can’t remember really. It just really eats at me. There was no forcing anything. I hope I was just curious and hope it’s not something I need to ruin my life over. We also touched the dogs private parts also. I don’t know what else to say besides I feel like a disgusting perv.

I love my life as it is for the most part... I wish I could erase those thoughts but I guess I made my own bed even tho I don’t feel like I had any control over it. I first remembered this when I was 16-17 and tried hanging myself. Please someone help me. I feel horrible.

You were ten. Kids do stuff. Please try to let this go.

Snaga wrote:You were ten. Kids do stuff. Please try to let this go.

It’s not right tho. I wish I could go back and fix it. The environment I was in wasn’t right for a child but that doesn’t excuse what I did. I feel like a predator. I know that the other kids are fine and it’s been soo long.... I just can’t seem to shake it anymore. I have really bad dreams about it and sometimes don’t even know if what I remember is actually real or a nightmare. I love kids and would never want to hurt anyone.

I hope I can find the help I need here. It’s been so long and sometimes I completely forget about it until my anxiety or depression brings us up again. I just need to know that I’m normal and not a sicko.

I can just remember a blurred image in my head of what happened and I’m sure it was just the once cause I don’t remember anything else.

I’m grateful for a place to share something like this. Thanks for your help.

-- Thu May 02, 2019 7:23 am --

Sorry for double posting.. I’m obviously having a hard time with this. I’m starting to think that I’m a narcissist and that maybe I’m a horrible person. My memories put me there but I don’t remember what I looked like at 10 so my images are more graphic as I am older now. I feel so much guilt and remorse that I remembered this and don’t know exactly how to deal with it. I feel like a good person and would never do anything of that nature but like why do I have to remember it. Is it really that bad? Am I overthinking all of it?

Again I’m so grateful for any help I can get. I promise I’m a good guy.

guilty1989 wrote:I know that the other kids are fine and it’s been soo long

And there you go. Kids get curious. They sometimes do things. They imitate things they've seen or heard of. If everyone is fine, then let it go. You're not a monster, I'm sure lots of kids have done things like this. As you said, there was no forcing.

Snaga wrote:

guilty1989 wrote:I know that the other kids are fine and it’s been soo long

And there you go. Kids get curious. They sometimes do things. They imitate things they've seen or heard of. If everyone is fine, then let it go. You're not a monster, I'm sure lots of kids have done things like this. As you said, there was no forcing.

I can’t remember really but I’m sure there was no forcing I just remember stuff happening I don’t know what was said cause it was so long ago. What do you mean by forcing? I’m sorry I’m just so depressed and upset about this. I’m not a bad person I don’t even feel like that was part of me. I feel like it was a differentiations life. It sucks. Really appreciate the help.

I remember I had a friend who was older also who did lots of odd things and would tell me about them I just don’t think I was in a good position as a child. I hope I’m forgiven and can move on with my life.

-- Fri May 03, 2019 7:30 am --

I’m feeling suicidal and don’t know what to do. Is this something worth taking my life for? I can’t cope any help will be great.

guilty1989 wrote:I’m feeling suicidal and don’t know what to do. Is this something worth taking my life for? I can’t cope any help will be great.

... this is absolutely not anything you should be considering suicide over. you're obviously depressed and that's affecting your thinking. if you're serious about this, you need to seek professional help. just google suicide and you'll get a load of websites offering advice on prevention. or, failing that, go to your local A&E or ER and seek help there.

Hugs , if you want some , Guilty1989 ,

guilty1989 wrote:I’m feeling suicidal and don’t know what to do. Is this something worth taking my life for? I can’t cope any help will be great.

Please reach out to someone in real life if you are feeling overwhelmed by this . It is not something to take your life over . The journey to healing can be long and painful but there is always hope as long as we are alive to search for it . You can make it through this .

Snaga is right - kids experiment and I know so many people today that experienced stuff like this when they were around that age . In most cases , it's nothing more than a mutual exploration of our own growing bodies and the feelings that they're capable of . If these memories are causing you distress , I urge you to speak to a therapist about them . Please stay safe . You are not a bad person and you are not alone .

I’m going to therapy tomorrow. God bless you all. I hope
I can overcome this.

Let us know how the therapy goes! I agree that this is absolutely not worth feeling suicidal.

If you're like me, you ideate suicide a lot, when distressed. I do it so much it's just so much chatter in my head. I think it's just really wanting to run away, not a genuine desire to be dead. No diagnosing here, but the kind of posts here in remorse, like this, show similarities to OCD thinking- obsessed with this feeling you must be a monster. Which you are not. But people in that forum express thoughts of suicide but really I think it's just because we get so distressed that seems to be the only relief. Which isn't true. And we don't really want to die.

I'm so glad to hear that .