Huge guilt and remorse from sexual childhood

I am brand new here thanks for listening. I am dying inside due to guilt from my childhood. I was about 10-12 years old and my younger brother was 7-10. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age and I got pretty curious. I ended up experimenting with sexual acts with my younger brother and I feel absolutely terrible. The guilt is consuming me. This went on for 2 years and included oral sex. I know that me being older that means I am at fault though I never forced anything I know that I molested my younger brother. Fast forward to now and we have an okay relationship. I am married with two children and he is currently living with us after a breakup. I think him being around brought back memories and I also found his anxiety and depression medication. It has now been about 16 years since these events and I periodically get hit with guilt remembering the stuff I did. I am sick. I always knew he was affected because he just acted a little off. The other day my guilt got to me and I profusely apologized to him for everything. We both cried together and he told me that he has been depressed for 9 years since he was 16. And it’s all my fault I’m sure. Now I am drowning in guilt and wish so bad I could take it all back though I know I can’t. I can only hope my apology can help his healing. I don’t ever plan on telling my wife because I am not that person I was when I was a kid and I never acted that way again. Later the day of me apologizing my brother texted me saying “don’t let this weigh on your mind. This happens to a lot of people”. I still cannot get the guilt and regret out of my mind and off my heart. Therapy really isn’t an option cuz my wife will suspect something. Sorry for the rant but I don’t know what to do.

-- Tue Apr 30, 2019 9:22 am --

Has anyone else gone through anything like this? We’re you able to build a better relationship with your sibling? I feel like dying

Hello and welcome.

I'm sorry that this is such a large source of remorse for you. I personally think that the most of the time, when kids do things, no one is really badly affected, but I know it depends on the person, their mindset, and the situation around it, if there was inordinate pressure, etc.

This is one of those posts, that I could be maybe be convinced that you might have a reason to feel bad about it, but I'm not, yet. Even so, it sounds as if you've had some good communication. And, I really don't know what more you could do, than what you have. I mean, you were kids, and while you were older, not much, and at that age I wouldn't expect a kid to know better. I didn't. Granted, I was generally the one things were done to, but still, to me it was exciting, even so. Because kids do dumb things.

But it's in the past, and beating yourself up over it, isn't going to change anything. Mind you, this is coming from someone who regularly beats themselves up... but that doesn't mean I know it's not going to change anything. I'd say you are, and will be, there for your brother. I mean, you took him in, right? you're looking out for him, I'd say.

The way to make up for it, is to be a better person because of it, and it sounds as if you are.

Thank you for your response. I’m doing what I can to mend the relationship. What did you mean by you can maybe see a reason to feel bad about it? Versus other posts you’ve seen?

Well, I'm only getting your side of it, but it sounds as if you're hinting that he's hinting he was affected by it. Most of the posters in here, if they've mentioned it to the other person, the other person replies it didn't effect them, if they even remembered it.

Occasionally, yeah there's an issue with it, but a lot of the time, I think folks who post about childhood experimentation/fooling around, are the only ones who have a problem with what they done.

Having said that, that's not going to hold true for everyone. So IF he was affected by it, well, it sounds as if you're doing what you can, to help make up for past hurts. And like the others who really are the only ones worried over it, it's still not... I mean, we want to beat ourselves up. I'm here on PF, originally, because of self-harm caused by remorse and anxiety. I have literally beat myself. As lately as last week, in fact. So I know what it feels like to feel you've done something horrible. But I'm not sure what we're supposed to do, you know? I mean, you can't go back in time to change it. But you can be a good brother in the Now. And it sounds as if you are.

I understand what you mean. Thanks again for taking the time to reply