I screwed up... so ashamed.

My daughter has been having tantrums lately... she has ADHD, and she's on a prescription. When she's on it, she's like a total angel. Straight As, pleasant as can be. But as soon as it wears off, she becomes extremely defiant and refuses to do pretty much anything, including her homework.

Lately, the past week, she's had a total melt-down... it results in her basically screaming and crying (she's 10...) for up to an hour. It basically all stems from her just not wanting to do her homework. Her homework was literally her needing nothing more than reading a paragraph, and answering the questions.

Anyway, she had a particularly bad meltdown today, just totally lost it. I tried to get her to stop, she just got louder. I didn't spank her because I knew it wasn't going to get anywhere. I was at my breaking point, so I had to start walking away. She just got louder and louder.

I said... "I hate you..." I knew the second I said it, I had screwed up badly. Of course I don't mean it, but I was so incredibly angry... just beside myself with rage, and that came out. My daughter was devastated. Eventually my wife calmed her down, and spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince her I didn't really mean it.

I cooled off enough that I went downstairs and told her that I most certainly didn't mean it, and that she was the most important thing in my life, and that I'd give my life for her. Etc. I've repeated this about 4-5 times. She says... "it's OK daddy."

She's much calmer now, and we've "made up," and she's acting like nothing was ever said and that it's no big deal. But I'm devastated... and I can't believe I said it. I've told her repeatedly that it was absurd for me to say it, and I apologize profusely... but I worry that damage has been done.

This is one of those things that a child never forgets. And... not once in my life have my parents ever said this to me. It was a true moment of failure on my part as a parent.

I hope you guys don't mind, I probably won't respond back, but I will be reading all the replies. I'm very ashamed... and looking for any thoughts and reflections. Thank you. I put this in "abuse," because clearly that's what this was.

Well firstly, please be easy on yourself.

Raising a child is no easy task. As a father and person you have a lot of obligations: work, bills, your children, wife/girlfriend/significant other etc.

I would say she's too young to understand what you had said, and you recognize that you didn't mean it, it was a heat of the moment type things.

I would suggest maybe doing things one on one with her? Spend time together doing something simple and fun? You only get this time once.

To put this into perspective, I came from a very rough/abusive household and never understood it. I thought that was how families operate. "I hate you" is nothing in comparison to being told you should have been aborted, or when your sister has a gun to her head your father tells her to do it.

So, please be easy on yourself. Life isn't easy, and you're not a BAD man.

Since you love her and care, show her. Actions, especially repeated ones, are more important and meaningful than words. One bad statement doesn't mess up years of being a good man and father in my eyes, just my opinion.

I guess the other thing is, don't do it again if you feel awful. Learn and move on

I wish you the best, love and peace and be easy on yourself.