Disgusted by my past actions.

I apologize for the erratic grammar and format, I'm just speaking my mind on it all and it's hitting me all at once. Thank you for reading my message.

I no longer feel like living, every day just seems to be a capsule of numb. I pray to the above to end my life as I sleep. It's getting to the point where I'm really feeling crazy, all I think about is dying, I'm just ready to go. I wake up disappointed to see my wish unfulfilled. My mother is worried about me, she's been informing my grandmother of my recent mood. It hurts me to worry my family but I can't get out of this mood. My OCD has been working overdrive, all I think about is this situation. I don't why it's getting to me after all these years?

I was touched as a child and its messed my head up (no one knows) Here's pretty much why I'm upset:

My cousin and I used to do sexual things, he's younger than me, I don't remember how it started... It just makes me sick to my stomach that we did it, I was a child and he was too but... I don't know. I'm angry at myself. He's still a minor and I don't know if I should bring it up to him, as no one knows but us.

I molested my best friend around the age of 10, (if I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure he was around the same age as me) - he came over one night and I showed him some movies with sex scenes and I remember saying something like, "I'd do that to you but you'd snitch" He said he wouldn't and we did some sexual things, he told his mother the next day and the CPS get involved. I was scared to get into trouble and my mother mentioned something about losing us and I didn't want that to happen, so I lied and said I didn't do it. He and his family moved soon after and it's hurting my conscience, I think I found their address online and I want to contact them and apologize, I just don't want to blow anything out of proportion. I didn't understand what my actions could do and the damage I could do to someone's mind. I just wish I knew.

^ With both of these situations it was mostly just oral and grinding, I didn't know about erections or orgasms.

Lastly, in 7th grade, where I was severely bullied for being gay I only had one friend and I wrote a series very graphic sex stories about her and boyfriend and I had a part where I and another student were in it. She seemed to enjoy them at first, however, she backstabbed me and told the entire school about them. She had even written a couple stories about me but she kept all hers, meaning she had all the documents against me. It was an embarrassment, my mother was called to the school, she cried and I've never felt that low (until recently), I just feel like my reputation in this town and in the world is ruined.

I just feel ruined, I dreamed to be a director/screenwriter during my high school years but my dreams are ruined due to my past. I don't have any social media as I'm scared to be exposed for what I've done, I just want to end it all. I wanted magazines and articles dedicated to those that are deemed "ugly" by society, similar to myself- I wanted everyone to look and feel special regardless of class, background etc but it'll never happen. I've got some forms of therapy but this is my first time exposing all that needs to be said and ask the world for advice...

I don't want to be here for my 19th birthday in a couple days, I don't want to be happy. I'm thinking of doing something drastic... I can't do this any longer... The only therapy I have is talking to myself on my phone through video. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I miss myself, I feel weird looking at myself in the mirror. I would never do anything to a child, I just don't know why I would do that in the past.

-- Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:02 pm --

Bumping the post

Doing something drastic would just deeply wound the people who care about you - it would be escaping your hurt by transferring it onto others when you know that it would be far greater and stronger to commit yourself to being the careful, boundary-respecting, compassionate adult that you didn't always manage to live up to as a teen. It seems as though you have been as much victim as victimiser and it clearly wouldn't be fair to hold the behaviour of a 10-year-old over the head of an adult for their entire life. I'm sure you'd agree if it was anyone other than yourself

When I was little I did something sexual to someone. I know its hard. Till this day I still think about it but I am slowly realizing I was just a child.

Thank you both for responding, but I don't think I can live with this any longer. I just want this all to be over, all I think about is this situation.

O dearrr, do nottt do anyything silly. All sistem is messes up, ypu were just a curious child, and it is all normal and part of growing up that seems taboo, but just because in school they do not teach us any of this.

You will feel better, a s soon as you start to realize that these acts were, acts of a child.you have so much to give to this world. Soooo many people do this things, I should say sooo many children and preteens or teens. This is all normal, trust me. The society is blowing all this up, because anything sexual is regarded as something that is supposed to be known but it is kept silent.

You should really not spin your life over that, it will hurt noe, but as the times go, it will get better ))

Trust me my dear!

Just remeber and tell yourself, that it was an act ofa child not a person who you are now. It is not fair to judge yourself from this perspective from something sooo long ago.

But as I said, do not dooo, anything silly cuz only that would hurt everyone around you, be brave, meditate to calm down the thoughts, gain some experience that all this is normal and it was, but gain the perspective that society is also not sooo good and that it puts sooo much pressure.

And remember, sometimes there will be good and bad days, but all this healing us marathon, not a sprint. And so is life that you have to discover piece by piece.

Goodluck